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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know about an affair?

115 replies

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:18

TLDR: AIBU to think we should be looking out for each other and not allowing (mostly) men to get away with such awful behaviour?

If your dh or partner was having an affair would you want to know? Almost every single affair post I read, where the OP knows of an affair and is questioning whether or not to say something, is met with a barrage of comments along the lines of...

  • not your circus...
  • stay out of it
  • none of you business

I mostly feel like I can relate to other users, but on this issue I just don't understand this response. Would they not want to know if it was them? What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated? I understand it gets complicated (no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and reporting anonymously can also be tricky), but these feel like small hurdles compared to what's at stake: her sexual health, her one life to experience repectful love, her 'd'h potentially getting his ducks in a row to leave while she has no forewarning (being left at a massive financial and emotional disadvantage), the trauma she will have from realising that not only was her dh unfaithful but that so many others turned a blind eye to her suffering.

I also know the first five comments set the tone of a post, and I'd guess it's about 3% of posters who hover and make sure they get in there fast to set the tone (I've read some get a buzz out of this!), so it might not be as popular an opinion as it appears.

However, I'm also genuinely curious how someone has come to this opinion. These are what I can think of:

  • they themselves have been told when they had accepted their dh's infidelity and felt forced to leave when they were actually rather happy
  • they couldn't leave (finances, children, etc) and felt judged for that
  • they've told a friend of an affair and lost that friendship
In which case, rather than being indifferent to another woman's suffering perhaps this view is more empathetic than it appears.

If you have this opinion, can I ask why, particularly if you yourself would want to be told?

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 08/07/2025 18:21

I would want to know, and I have told two women and one man their spouse was cheating as soon as I found out.

Cheating is abusive and if they are also intimate with their spouse they are violating that spouses consent. Morally I cannot sit by with that knowledge.

I will always, always share the knowledge and empower them. The only time I would hesitate (and not tell) is if there was known to be abuse in the marriage and the cheating spouse may be in danger.

Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:23

Thanks, glad I'm not alone! Do you also find it strange how unpopular this opinion seems to be on here?

OP posts:
Whichone2024 · 08/07/2025 18:23

i caught my sisters ex husband! I knew I had to tell but was too chicken (I was 14).
I told my mom who spoke to her.
I would want to know.
ive been cheated on before and sensed it. It was confirmed by someone else. It was good to feel I wasn’t crazy and imagining things.

Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:27

The gaslighting, of course! And not just by her unfaithful partner, but by the fact that no one else indicates anything is wrong. E.g. if she suspects he is cheating at work but knows lots of his colleagues well and none of them mention anything...

OP posts:
Quirkswork · 08/07/2025 18:28

It really depends on the person you are telling. Shoot the messenger is an obvious risk.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 08/07/2025 18:29

I would definitely want to know.

twomorecats · 08/07/2025 18:29

I would want to know. I'd definitely tell somebody if they were in my position - I was cheated on and not knowing is horrendous.

Boreded · 08/07/2025 18:30

If I knew the person and would be believed then yes. If not then no I would not tell them.

i have told someone before, but that’s because they had taken my friend as their other woman and she found out he was married…so even though I didn’t know the wife, I still told her

SantasLargerHelper · 08/07/2025 18:31

Absolutely 💯 I would want to know.

Would be devastated if people knew and didn't tell me.

It takes away all your agency.

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:32

Because you don't know other peoples relationships and a lot of the time couples with dc do stay together and then the messenger usually gets frozen out.

Even if the couple split the messenger is often avoided as people tend to not feel comfortable about others knowing about painful times & don't want to be reminded of them.

Plus people do often suspect a cheating spouse but chose to turn the other cheek and someone telling them forces an issue they don't necessarily want to confront.

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:33

I have seen it play out in real life to know the reality.

Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:35

I can also say I 100% still have trauma from a past relationship where others knew of an affair and didn't tell me (people I considered close friends)

OP posts:
jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:35

I have never told a friend but never known about someone cheating on a good friend.

I am not sure I would want someone to tell me, depends who. At the moment it would be fairly obvious if DH was up to something so I am sure I would suspect.

ginasevern · 08/07/2025 18:36

This is a tricky one. As a pp said, shoot the messenger is an obvious one. Many women are so unshakeably convinced that their "Nigel" isn't the type (there actually is no "type"). It also depends on the person you're telling. They might harm themselves or do something drastic. My DH had an affair after 26 years of marriage. I was devastated, didn't see it coming at all. Would I have listened to Sandra next door? I don't honestly know.

Mylovelygreendress · 08/07/2025 18:36

Years ago I told my friend of 20+ years that her husband was cheating . It was 100% true and he knew that I knew.
She refused to believe me and never spoke to me again .
I was so upset and would never tell anyone again .

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:37

I can also say I 100% still have trauma from a past relationship where others knew of an affair and didn't tell me (people I considered close friends)

I wouldn't discuss it with other friends and treat it like gossip though.

Notreallyme27 · 08/07/2025 18:38

I’d also 100% want to know. After being trapped in a coercive marriage I reached out to family for help to leave when I had suspicions, but none of them believed me. I lived in hell for years before I finally had proof. Many of my ‘friends’ knew what was going on, but kept it from me. One in particular knew what I was suffering at home and still kept her mouth shut. I’ll never get over that.

WaitedBlankey · 08/07/2025 18:39

Honestly? I don't think I would.

I mean, it would be the right thing to do, to know. It would end our relationship. I don't think I could get past the idea of him with someone else.

If the affair ended and life carried on, I'd be happier not knowing. After 38 years, I don't even know how we'd untangle our lives, how to move on, or anything.

I know that makes me a coward.

2025ismybestyear · 08/07/2025 18:40

My husband confessed to his affair as the OW h tracked me down and sent me a note. She'd told him what she was up to. I'd honestly rather have not known. It causes so much upset and made me so poorly years later I still carry the consequences. Having said that, I did divorce him over something else and that just showed my character and really showed his children the person he is.

trogtrogtrog · 08/07/2025 18:42

I recently found out that a guy I had been on a few dates with is still in a relationship and lives with his girlfriend.

If I were her, I'd 100% want to know. I really don't like the idea that she is spending her life with someone that is doing that to her.

I know her Instagram so I could reach out, but if I'm being totally honest, fear of repercussions is what's holding me back. Men can get vindictive. I'm worried that if I reach out to her and tell her what he's been up to, he could retaliate. And it's a risk I can't quite push myself to take for a stranger (I don't know her, never met her).

BDG007 · 08/07/2025 18:43

Why do you say "mostly men"? there's plenty of studies that actually show women are more likely to be unfaithful.

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:43

There also a big difference between telling a friend who has been on a few dates/in a new relationship with someone and a marriage of many years with dc.

2025ismybestyear · 08/07/2025 18:45

It doesn't make you a coward @WaitedBlankey , it makes you normal and probably scared. Honestly, after a relationship of 27 years I divorced him and it wasn't as scary as I would have imagined.

Toomanyweedsoutthere · 08/07/2025 18:46

I used to think you should always tell people before I was cheated on myself.

Now I think people have to consider that if you are the one to tell someone, you are throwing a grenade into the person's life and it might completely blindside them to get a message from someone they don't know very well with such awful information. So it depends who you are to that person and how you plan on telling them.

Think about it for horrible news, if your grandad died, or if you had cancer etc... someone would call you and say are you sitting down, can you come in today and bring a family member with you etc.. so if someone was considering sending a woman a load of screenshots at a random time and then blocking on facebook I would tell them absolutely not to do it. It's better for the person who has been cheated on to find out a different way even if it's further down the line.

Maybe if they were about to get married and I was a close friend I would say something, but I wouldn't message a stranger or acquaintance with information like that.

Endofyear · 08/07/2025 18:49

I would definitely tell my close friends or close family members. Outside of that, it can be tricky. Some people turn a blind eye to their spouses cheating and hope that it will fizzle out. Many will be prepared to forgive, especially when the alternative is breaking up a home with young children and a significant change of financial circumstances. I think it's best to stay out of it if you don't know the couple well.