Would you want to know about an affair?

[Goingupanddown]

TLDR: AIBU to think we should be looking out for each other and not allowing (mostly) men to get away with such awful behaviour?

If your dh or partner was having an affair would you want to know? Almost every single affair post I read, where the OP knows of an affair and is questioning whether or not to say something, is met with a barrage of comments along the lines of...

• not your circus...
• stay out of it
• none of you business

I mostly feel like I can relate to other users, but on this issue I just don't understand this response. Would they not want to know if it was them? What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated? I understand it gets complicated (no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and reporting anonymously can also be tricky), but these feel like small hurdles compared to what's at stake: her sexual health, her one life to experience repectful love, her 'd'h potentially getting his ducks in a row to leave while she has no forewarning (being left at a massive financial and emotional disadvantage), the trauma she will have from realising that not only was her dh unfaithful but that so many others turned a blind eye to her suffering.

I also know the first five comments set the tone of a post, and I'd guess it's about 3% of posters who hover and make sure they get in there fast to set the tone (I've read some get a buzz out of this!), so it might not be as popular an opinion as it appears.

However, I'm also genuinely curious how someone has come to this opinion. These are what I can think of:

• they themselves have been told when they had accepted their dh's infidelity and felt forced to leave when they were actually rather happy
• they couldn't leave (finances, children, etc) and felt judged for that
• they've told a friend of an affair and lost that friendship

In which case, rather than being indifferent to another woman's suffering perhaps this view is more empathetic than it appears.

If you have this opinion, can I ask why, particularly if you yourself would want to be told?

I would want to know but if I’m being totally honest if I found out DH had an affair I’d probably snap and I can’t say I wouldn’t freak out on the affair partner as well. Which I know is objectively wrong, and I hope I wouldn’t, but I do understand why someone maybe wary to tell the wife. Mind you… I’d be wary to sleep with someone else’s husband because you never know who’s crazy.

I would definitely want to know, but my experience of a friend telling a friend- the friendship never survives. You have to decide is the moral standpoint or the friendship the most important thing to you.

Definitely I would want to know. Years ago I had been trying to save my marriage, and a friend who told me that my now ex-husband had stayed the night with someone else. Gave me the impetus I needed to finally end the marriage. Best thing I had done in years. I would always tell.

Sorry to hear this. Trust your instinct it is usually right.
Been through this it’s shit

And the friendship survived. I was very grateful.
I wish we could edit our posts, sorry about the mistake above.

I would have to 100% know. Like seen it with my own eyes. And even then I would think twice depending on who it was.

Hearing a rumour wouldn’t be enough. I’ve heard enough rumours about myself over the years which were untrue, and if my husband had believed them I’d have been single 4 or 5 times over.

Years ago a Facebook friend got in touch with me late at night. We both had newborns, not that unusual. But then she hinted at our husbands working overtime together and getting kept on at work a lot……

Except my husband was actually working, hers was not. My husband didn’t get kept on a lot. I knew hers was up to no good….but it wasn’t my place to say. I told my husband to have a word because I didn’t want to be asked again. I’ve heard on the grapevine he’s still cheating in his new work venture. The wife knows and chooses to stay so what would be the point in highlighting this again?

I told my best friend that her husband was having an affair. She never looked me in the eye or spoke to me ever again. They stayed together .

I told one of my best friends that her partner was sleeping with sex workers. She didn’t say a word, she just walked off and didn’t speak to me for 2 years. I hope I’m never put in that position again. If I was I’d tell the person cheating that they had to confess otherwise I’d tell. But depending on who it was, I’d be tempted to keep out of it.

I agree very much with your remark about people’s schadenfreude about other marriages.

It's not mostly men, 20% of men and 19% of women according to this survey

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/12404-one-five-british-adults-admit-affair

My Ex husband had an affair - I would have absolutely wanted to know as I feel like the last 6 years were stolen from me. I could have moved on a very long time ago.

No I wouldn’t want to be told by someone else. If he wanted to tell me then I’d listen. Other people shouldn’t be butting in and thinking they know what’s best for my marriage. Outing him might force him to choose and precipitate the end of a marriage that might otherwise have survived infidelity.

It’s not an easy message to deliver even for a close friend.

I find it bizarre that anyone would say ‘if my dh was having an affair and people knew I wouldn’t want them to tell me. I’d rather stay in the dark’.

to me that’s so weird

By not telling someone you would be knowingly allow them to continue being put at a health risk

i would rather lose that friend knowing I had done my best to protect her than keep my friendship whilst knowing the whole time that she was at risk