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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know about an affair?

115 replies

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:18

TLDR: AIBU to think we should be looking out for each other and not allowing (mostly) men to get away with such awful behaviour?

If your dh or partner was having an affair would you want to know? Almost every single affair post I read, where the OP knows of an affair and is questioning whether or not to say something, is met with a barrage of comments along the lines of...

  • not your circus...
  • stay out of it
  • none of you business

I mostly feel like I can relate to other users, but on this issue I just don't understand this response. Would they not want to know if it was them? What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated? I understand it gets complicated (no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and reporting anonymously can also be tricky), but these feel like small hurdles compared to what's at stake: her sexual health, her one life to experience repectful love, her 'd'h potentially getting his ducks in a row to leave while she has no forewarning (being left at a massive financial and emotional disadvantage), the trauma she will have from realising that not only was her dh unfaithful but that so many others turned a blind eye to her suffering.

I also know the first five comments set the tone of a post, and I'd guess it's about 3% of posters who hover and make sure they get in there fast to set the tone (I've read some get a buzz out of this!), so it might not be as popular an opinion as it appears.

However, I'm also genuinely curious how someone has come to this opinion. These are what I can think of:

  • they themselves have been told when they had accepted their dh's infidelity and felt forced to leave when they were actually rather happy
  • they couldn't leave (finances, children, etc) and felt judged for that
  • they've told a friend of an affair and lost that friendship
In which case, rather than being indifferent to another woman's suffering perhaps this view is more empathetic than it appears.

If you have this opinion, can I ask why, particularly if you yourself would want to be told?

OP posts:
trogtrogtrog · 08/07/2025 19:58

Boreded · 08/07/2025 19:52

Tell her! She needs to know.

Do it anonymously as one of your friends

Edited
Show quote history

I have thought about this but I feel like if I do it anonymously:

  1. It's less believable. I'd be suspicious of an anonymous account messaging me.
  2. No idea if I'm the first girl he's cheated with, but on the off-chance that I am, I wouldn't be that anonymous. Even if I messaged her anonymously, if she confronted him, he'd know it was me which could put me back in a risky position.
Zempy · 08/07/2025 20:14

Absolutely I would want to know.

I have told a male friend when I found out his wife was having an affair. He didn’t shoot the messenger, he was very grateful.

yakkity · 08/07/2025 20:20

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 18:32

Because you don't know other peoples relationships and a lot of the time couples with dc do stay together and then the messenger usually gets frozen out.

Even if the couple split the messenger is often avoided as people tend to not feel comfortable about others knowing about painful times & don't want to be reminded of them.

Plus people do often suspect a cheating spouse but chose to turn the other cheek and someone telling them forces an issue they don't necessarily want to confront.

So you are more concerned about yourself than the person being cheated on? And you are ok knowing that they are potentially being exposed to STDs.

CatamaranViper · 08/07/2025 20:20

I would only want someone I'm very close with to tell me. I wouldn't believe a randomer and id be suspicious if an acquaintance was telling me. Plus if I believe them, I'll probably have a very emotional reaction which I couldn't do in front of someone I don't know. Tbh I'd want my mam.

Blurrywateryeye · 08/07/2025 20:21

“What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated?” Well if a person would not want to know themselves it’s fair to say why they wouldn't want to tell another person if they knew their spouse was having an affair. It seems that you can’t really understand why someone would keep this a secret.

jaws33 · 08/07/2025 20:28

So you are more concerned about yourself than the person being cheated on?

And you are ok knowing that they are potentially being exposed to STDs.

The OP asked why people don't tell & I gave an explanation. But yes generally I put myself above other people particularly strangers, is that controversial? Not wanting to blow up someone's life doesn't mean you are ok with anything. Why would you think that?

CinnamonBuns67 · 08/07/2025 20:39

I would want to know and anybody (man or woman) should be held accountable for being unfaithful to their partner. I was cheated on by my ex when I was pregnant with a baby I miscarried a week before finding out about the affair. It was with his manager who also was in a long term relationship with 3 or 4 kids, to my knowledge to this day he doesn't know which is shit because he got held accountable for it, but she didn't and she should have been just as much as him. I couldn't tell him because I didn't know how to contact him. All our mates knew, I dropped them all as soon as I found out they knew, whilst I understand they was put in a difficult position they still chose to hide their affair whilst actively telling me how much he loved me when all along he and her was humiliating me and her partner.

3luckystars · 08/07/2025 20:49

well I think it’s a good idea to get your dicks in a row!! that made me laugh so much, thank you x

I would like to know. If I knew someone was cheating I would go to them and say ‘you have put me in this position, tell your spouse or I will tell them’ this happened me before and that worked well.

CaptainSevenofNine · 08/07/2025 20:54

I would want to know.

One of my friends was the OW once (the affair was a long distance affair while friend was working away) I had no way of knowing who the wife was…so I did the next best thing. I told my friend exactly what I thought of her knowingly being the OW and told her to end it.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/07/2025 20:58

I would never ever tell anyone about an affair. Sometimes you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I also don’t want to be part of someone’s story for the rest of time. You’ll never forget the time so and so told you your DH was shagging someone else. It may possibly be the worse news they ever receive. Why the fuck would you want to be the one delivering that? Because it would help them long term? Maybe, but like I said, life is complicated. I know three men I would genuinely be delighted to hear they were getting some happiness in life, because their wives are pretty dreadful human beings.

I also wouldn’t want anyone to tell me - I would just be mortified, I’d rather find out myself than other people knowing the ins and outs of my marriage before me.

I can’t help but think the do-gooders that inform Amy of Mike’s affair with Sophie are revelling in it a bit. I would rather bury my head in the sand and not get involved.

icantgetnosheep1 · 08/07/2025 21:05

Having been in this situation myself I would 💯% want to know, I was told everything and my H obviously minimised it all.. no question, even if the messenger got shot in the foot I’d speak up. In fact if more did these cheating tw*ts might think twice - doubt it but hey, ever the optimist!

Nina1013 · 08/07/2025 21:06

I’ve been cheated on by an ex. Truly horrific. However he was also an awful person.

Honestly, if my husband had a fling/ONS/similar, I wouldn’t want to know. I cannot imagine it in a million years, he’s the most devoted husband and father you could ever imagine. But in a hypothetical scenario - no. Because it wouldn’t undo the fact he is an amazing father, amazing husband, I couldn’t/wouldn’t leave that and destroy our child’s life for a mistake. It would just transfer a load of pain onto me which I would have to live with forever. A proper ‘affair’ I would want to know and I would leave, but I don’t think many people could be genuinely oblivious to one of these unless living almost separate lives anyway. You’d have to be turning a blind eye to some strange behaviours and that in itself is indicative of a choice to not confront it…(which is what I did with my ex).

Sjb85 · 08/07/2025 21:38

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:23

Thanks, glad I'm not alone! Do you also find it strange how unpopular this opinion seems to be on here?

I also would absolutely want to know so I can't quite believe how unpopular that opinion is!

Notreallyme27 · 08/07/2025 21:41

To those who say they wouldn’t tell a friend because they’d worry that the friend would fall out with them, I can promise you that they’re more likely to fall out with you when they discover that you knew and hid it from them.

matresense · 08/07/2025 21:54

Honestly, I would want to know. I’m quite good at picking up lack of sincerity or bad vibes in others and I tend to worry that I caused it (probably neurodiversity causing overthinking), so I would want to be put out of my misery if it were my partner.

I would usually tell someone else as I think it is the compassionate thing to do unless there are reasons to suggest there would be danger to one of the parties or I knew that a blind eye had been turned in the past or that there were exceptional circumstances (child seriously ill for example) to at least delay etc. I would not cope very well with the secrecy and deception long term so I would see being the messenger as the lesser of two evils - I don’t think I’d be able to be friendly with someone, hear about things with their partner and not say something, so it’s not a selfless act on my part to volunteer the information. I’d stress in telling them whether I had concrete proof or not and that I wouldn’t judge them whatever they decided to do with the information, but I would be prepared to lose that person as a friend because sometimes that’s how life goes. You could lose them as a friend if you don’t tell them
and they suspect later that you knew, so I think you have to accept that it just sucks to have the information tbh.

Glitchymn1 · 08/07/2025 21:55

Yes I’d want to know.

caringcarer · 08/07/2025 22:12

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 19:31

I really hope this isn't a typo! 😂

Show quote history

🤣🤣it was a typo but a very funny one.

Sulking · 08/07/2025 22:14

Yes I’d want to know. The thought of people around me or who know me knowing when I don’t and I continue to think we’re a happy normal family makes me sick to my stomach.

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2025 22:19

I absolutely wouldn’t want to know and think it’s arrogant to assume everyone would. I’d be bloody furious if someone told me.

Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 22:43

Moveoverdarlin · 08/07/2025 20:58

I would never ever tell anyone about an affair. Sometimes you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I also don’t want to be part of someone’s story for the rest of time. You’ll never forget the time so and so told you your DH was shagging someone else. It may possibly be the worse news they ever receive. Why the fuck would you want to be the one delivering that? Because it would help them long term? Maybe, but like I said, life is complicated. I know three men I would genuinely be delighted to hear they were getting some happiness in life, because their wives are pretty dreadful human beings.

I also wouldn’t want anyone to tell me - I would just be mortified, I’d rather find out myself than other people knowing the ins and outs of my marriage before me.

I can’t help but think the do-gooders that inform Amy of Mike’s affair with Sophie are revelling in it a bit. I would rather bury my head in the sand and not get involved.

I also wouldn’t want anyone to tell me - I would just be mortified, I’d rather find out myself than other people knowing the ins and outs of my marriage before me.

I think the point is that other people would already know before you, and are debating whether to tell you or not. Would you really rather they didn't?

I agree no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so if I ever told someone it would be in a completely non-judgemental way ("Here is the evidence. Do with this what you please, and I won't bring it up again with you or tell anyone else what I know").

OP posts:
MsCactus · 08/07/2025 22:45

I think it depends who the person is. A good friend - then yes, you should probably tell them.

But for example, I know a guy I work with who cheats on his partner. I don't know her and if I told her - with zero proof - I'm sure he'd say I was lying/vindictive and there's no way she'd believe me. So I'm not going to message a random woman saying I know your partner and he cheats, even if she deserves to know

Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 22:48

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2025 22:19

I absolutely wouldn’t want to know and think it’s arrogant to assume everyone would. I’d be bloody furious if someone told me.

Can I ask why you'd be so furious at the person telling you, rather than your partner? Like I say, I think there is a right and a wrong way to tell someone. But surely someone just showing you the evidence and letting you decide what to do with it (even if you decide to completely ignore it), clearly they don't have a bad motive.

Or, conversely, if they didn't tell you and you found out much later that they knew, would that not make you furious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 22:53

MsCactus · 08/07/2025 22:45

I think it depends who the person is. A good friend - then yes, you should probably tell them.

But for example, I know a guy I work with who cheats on his partner. I don't know her and if I told her - with zero proof - I'm sure he'd say I was lying/vindictive and there's no way she'd believe me. So I'm not going to message a random woman saying I know your partner and he cheats, even if she deserves to know

I agree actually. I wouldn't tell someone unless I had specific dates/times or evidence. Just sending an anonymous message, "Your partner is cheating" could make you sound vindictive and also cause a lot of pain and uncertainty.

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 08/07/2025 22:55

It would not surprise me at all if a few hover. You see the same names. They’re often nasty types too.

Id want to know, by the way.

halfpennypocketwatch · 08/07/2025 23:07

My H cheated on me. Lots of people knew and no one told me. It pretty much broke me that no one cared enough to bother. I made big life decisions which I would not have made had I known I was married to a bastard.

I think that quite a few people get a bit of a kick out of someone else's marriage imploding. It makes them feel a little bit superior, and pleased with themselves. They don't tell because that would be hard and they'd have to put themselves out a tiny bit. Much easier to not bother and them spout crap reasons defending themselves.

I would always tell because I've walked the other this and it is absolutely the right thing to do. It isn't nice and you may not receive effusive thanks but you'll be handing someone a life line. What they do with that life line is up to them, but at least they'll have it.