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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know about an affair?

115 replies

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 18:18

TLDR: AIBU to think we should be looking out for each other and not allowing (mostly) men to get away with such awful behaviour?

If your dh or partner was having an affair would you want to know? Almost every single affair post I read, where the OP knows of an affair and is questioning whether or not to say something, is met with a barrage of comments along the lines of...

  • not your circus...
  • stay out of it
  • none of you business

I mostly feel like I can relate to other users, but on this issue I just don't understand this response. Would they not want to know if it was them? What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated? I understand it gets complicated (no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and reporting anonymously can also be tricky), but these feel like small hurdles compared to what's at stake: her sexual health, her one life to experience repectful love, her 'd'h potentially getting his ducks in a row to leave while she has no forewarning (being left at a massive financial and emotional disadvantage), the trauma she will have from realising that not only was her dh unfaithful but that so many others turned a blind eye to her suffering.

I also know the first five comments set the tone of a post, and I'd guess it's about 3% of posters who hover and make sure they get in there fast to set the tone (I've read some get a buzz out of this!), so it might not be as popular an opinion as it appears.

However, I'm also genuinely curious how someone has come to this opinion. These are what I can think of:

  • they themselves have been told when they had accepted their dh's infidelity and felt forced to leave when they were actually rather happy
  • they couldn't leave (finances, children, etc) and felt judged for that
  • they've told a friend of an affair and lost that friendship
In which case, rather than being indifferent to another woman's suffering perhaps this view is more empathetic than it appears.

If you have this opinion, can I ask why, particularly if you yourself would want to be told?

OP posts:
jaws33 · 08/07/2025 23:12

I agree no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so if I ever told someone it would be in a completely non-judgemental way ("Here is the evidence. Do with this what you please, and I won't bring it up again with you or tell anyone else what I know").

In reality most people don't have loads of evidence though. They may have suspicions but actual concrete evidence? I don't think it's about judgement, a lot of people just don't like people knowing so much about their life, it's an exposure in a way.
I also think there is so much nuance.

MetalliCat89 · 08/07/2025 23:42

I would 100% want to know.
An old boyfriend had a work place affair for 6 months, several of his friends knew and no one told me. I was beyond humiliated (happy ending though for me as I wouldn't have met my now husband otherwise)

However "shoot the messenger" is a very real thing and no one wants to be responsible for breaking apart a marriage and potentially a family.

I'd still tell. But I can also see why some wouldn't.

jocktamsonsbairn · 08/07/2025 23:43

Yes, hated the fact I was the last one to know. That deceit was horrible.

Lavender14 · 08/07/2025 23:47

I'd tell because I absolutely would want to know for the sake of my financial security and sexual health.

There's never a good time or a good way to find out that information and passing it on is horrible especially without evidence.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 08/07/2025 23:51

Quirkswork · 08/07/2025 18:28

It really depends on the person you are telling. Shoot the messenger is an obvious risk.

I could live with that. I couldn't live with myself if I stayed quiet

ChrisJay · 09/07/2025 00:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Quirkswork · 09/07/2025 07:00

Aspanielstolemysanity · 08/07/2025 23:51

I could live with that. I couldn't live with myself if I stayed quiet

Show quote history

My experience is you can lose a friend. There's also a danger you are wrong. As I said, it depends on the friend and how reasonable a person they are as to whether they will understand that you are only telling them with the best intentions. Sometimes their reaction can't be predicted.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 09/07/2025 08:27

Quirkswork · 09/07/2025 07:00

My experience is you can lose a friend. There's also a danger you are wrong. As I said, it depends on the friend and how reasonable a person they are as to whether they will understand that you are only telling them with the best intentions. Sometimes their reaction can't be predicted.

Show quote history

But they aren't really your friend if you can keep a secret from them. It seems quite selfish to want the friendship more than you want the friend to have the truth

I'm prepared to risk a friendship to do the right thing.

I did the same and lost a few friends explaining why their MLM was such a bad idea. Most came back a year or so later quite sheepish. Those that didn't, well if they can't see I did it to be kind then that's on them

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 10:02

Goingupanddown · 08/07/2025 22:48

Can I ask why you'd be so furious at the person telling you, rather than your partner? Like I say, I think there is a right and a wrong way to tell someone. But surely someone just showing you the evidence and letting you decide what to do with it (even if you decide to completely ignore it), clearly they don't have a bad motive.

Or, conversely, if they didn't tell you and you found out much later that they knew, would that not make you furious?

Show quote history

I would be furious about being told at all. I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d be really angry that someone felt entitled to upend my life. Your insistence on deciding what’s best for me is the height of arrogance. It’s an inherently selfish act - “I couldn’t live with myself”. It’s not about you and it’s not your place to play God with other people’s lives.

MummaMummaMumma · 09/07/2025 10:09

I would want to know.
I think if it's someone close, definitely tell them. Or if there's proof.
Otherwise they're unlikely to believe you.

KimberleyClark · 09/07/2025 10:23

There seem to be different standards on MN depending on whether it’s a manor woman doing the cheating.

OP: I’ve found out my friend’s DH is cheating - do I tell her?

MN: Yes of course, she deserves to know,

On the other hand:

OP: My friend is cheating on her DH, do I tell him?

MN: No, it’s none of your business,keep out of it.

Allisgoodtoday · 09/07/2025 10:31

I would definitely want to know. I can't understand how someone would be furious to be told? Are there really people who would rather continue in blissful ignorance, possibly endangering their health, finances etc. in the process?

To my mind, no-one can make a choice without the knowledge to do so. It would be up to me what I did about it, whether I decided to continue with the marriage, or leave or whatever. That's a true choice; without full knowledge of the situation is no choice at all.

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 11:14

And that’s just it @Allisgoodtoday, you can’t understand that other people are different and feel different things. You have no idea what’s going on in other people’s lives. They might have an open marriage or they might be turning a blind eye but you go crashing in to a situation that you know nothing about and is nothing to do with you. Then having salved your conscience you just walk away from the wreckage.

halfpennypocketwatch · 09/07/2025 11:16

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 10:02

I would be furious about being told at all. I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d be really angry that someone felt entitled to upend my life. Your insistence on deciding what’s best for me is the height of arrogance. It’s an inherently selfish act - “I couldn’t live with myself”. It’s not about you and it’s not your place to play God with other people’s lives.

Edited
Show quote history

Have you ever been cheated on? I'm guessing no. The reality is very different to the theory. Life is a house of cards and when it comes tumbling down believe me it is easier if you have all the facts and are able to control the fall.

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 11:17

Your guess is wrong @halfpennypocketwatch.

halfpennypocketwatch · 09/07/2025 11:20

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 11:17

Your guess is wrong @halfpennypocketwatch.

Then I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.

youlied · 09/07/2025 11:28

When my ExH was having an affair with a colleague and I was suspicious. He gaslit me so much I thought I was going mad.
a colleague of his (now my friend) told me. I was so grateful to her. She helped me massively throughout the split and I am eternally grateful to her.

ZoggyStirdust · 09/07/2025 11:37

KimberleyClark · 09/07/2025 10:23

There seem to be different standards on MN depending on whether it’s a manor woman doing the cheating.

OP: I’ve found out my friend’s DH is cheating - do I tell her?

MN: Yes of course, she deserves to know,

On the other hand:

OP: My friend is cheating on her DH, do I tell him?

MN: No, it’s none of your business,keep out of it.

Yeah there is this but mn generally is hard on cheating. If the actual cheater posts then they are told very clearly how bad it is. If it’s someone else, yep the “you don’t know what it’s like” and “perhaps he’s horrible and deserves it” posts do come out.

Aulddeacon · 09/07/2025 18:57

Been married for 46 years just found out my wife had an affair after just 8 months of marriage.
wish someone told me at the time.
it might be 46 years ago for her but it new to me.

Fairyfae · 09/07/2025 19:17

Without hijacking thread I would want to know. and am currently suspicious of my DH 💔

Notreallyme27 · 09/07/2025 19:31

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 10:02

I would be furious about being told at all. I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d be really angry that someone felt entitled to upend my life. Your insistence on deciding what’s best for me is the height of arrogance. It’s an inherently selfish act - “I couldn’t live with myself”. It’s not about you and it’s not your place to play God with other people’s lives.

Edited
Show quote history

It would be your husband that had upended your life, not your friend.

2025ismybestyear · 09/07/2025 20:07

Fairyfae · 09/07/2025 19:17

Without hijacking thread I would want to know. and am currently suspicious of my DH 💔

I'm sorry @Fairyfae .

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 20:07

It would be being told that would upend my life. Ignorance is bliss.

Flavourful · 09/07/2025 21:19

I would want to know and I find it find it odd how friends or family can know but not say anything to the friend or family member , and talk about the couple at every meetup instead of telling them first hand.

IamMaz · 09/07/2025 21:59

Hi OP. Just a thought but in your opening post you said about treating people how you would like to be treated. Surely it’s better to treat people how THEY would like to be treated?

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