Would you want to know about an affair?

[Goingupanddown]

TLDR: AIBU to think we should be looking out for each other and not allowing (mostly) men to get away with such awful behaviour?

If your dh or partner was having an affair would you want to know? Almost every single affair post I read, where the OP knows of an affair and is questioning whether or not to say something, is met with a barrage of comments along the lines of...

• not your circus...
• stay out of it
• none of you business

I mostly feel like I can relate to other users, but on this issue I just don't understand this response. Would they not want to know if it was them? What's happened to the principle of treating others how we wish to be treated? I understand it gets complicated (no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and reporting anonymously can also be tricky), but these feel like small hurdles compared to what's at stake: her sexual health, her one life to experience repectful love, her 'd'h potentially getting his ducks in a row to leave while she has no forewarning (being left at a massive financial and emotional disadvantage), the trauma she will have from realising that not only was her dh unfaithful but that so many others turned a blind eye to her suffering.

I also know the first five comments set the tone of a post, and I'd guess it's about 3% of posters who hover and make sure they get in there fast to set the tone (I've read some get a buzz out of this!), so it might not be as popular an opinion as it appears.

However, I'm also genuinely curious how someone has come to this opinion. These are what I can think of:

• they themselves have been told when they had accepted their dh's infidelity and felt forced to leave when they were actually rather happy
• they couldn't leave (finances, children, etc) and felt judged for that
• they've told a friend of an affair and lost that friendship

In which case, rather than being indifferent to another woman's suffering perhaps this view is more empathetic than it appears.

If you have this opinion, can I ask why, particularly if you yourself would want to be told?

We've been together since we were teenagers, we have only every been together so the idea of an affair is just too awful.

As someone who figured out he was having an affair I wished someone would of told me as much as someone telling me would of been horrible and made me have to face things quicker I think honesty is for the best because lies and deceit are soul/mind destroying

I would 100% want to know and would be grateful I was told.

I wouldn't have to think twice about it, relationship would be done there and then, no coming back from it.

I would have zero time for a man who would disrespect me like that and if I couldn't trust him, he has zero value to my life. I won't be treated like that.

I would tell someone if I knew. I couldn't have it on my mind that I hadn't support someone who was being deceived and disrespected that way. What they do with the information is up to them and if they cut me out for telling them, then their loss, not mine.

My friend told me my exh was cheating on me. I was very grateful and got my dicks in a row and divorced him after being married to him for 21 years.

The friend I told always said that she would want to know but when I did tell her she never spoke to me again !

The friend I told always said that she would want to know but when I did tell her she never spoke to me again !

It's one of those things that is very easy to say but in practice quite different. It's like when people are convinced they would leave after an affair.

I hear you but I'm sure you're fine.

I'd never have guessed mine would cheat. I'd have said more likely to be me with an ex tbh but no, him.

I'm happy away from him.

Absolutely I'd want to know.

Knowledge is power.

I would absolutely want to know and if I was the one who found out I would like to say I would definitely tell the wife/husband but truly I don’t know for sure that’s true.

I found out about an affair a few years ago and told his wife who was a close friend, had complete & undeniable proof purely from being in the right place at the right time (or the wrong place), she stayed with him (her choice), was absolutely awful to me, her husband equally was horrible to me & not just to me but about me to others we knew- it was awful. Messages to me, my husband, family, friends, social media- vile. More than once I regretted saying anything while all of this was going on, I’d never have expected either of them to be so awful and had known her for years. Would I willingly put myself back in the firing line? I don’t know. If it was for a close friend or family member then yeah maybe, but for a random person? Probably not to be honest.

Equally my sister found out about an affair not so long ago, told her friend who was his partner as she was always one of those who said she’d want to know… turns out she didn’t want to know. She stayed with him, blocked my sister and told the rest of their friendship group that my sister was lying and shit stirring so she lost her friends over that. Would she do it again? I doubt it!

@Mrsttcno1 that's how it goes the majority of the time.

I’d rather be told! I’ve seen those posts saying say nothing and I also don’t understand. If you know without a doubt someone is having an affair I feel you’re being complicit in that by saying nothing. In my own experience I felt utter betrayal from both the man I was with and all those people who helped keep it secret. I felt like I was being laughed at and gossiped about and totally oblivious until I found out. Those that knew were not my friends and me now a lot older would cut every single one out my life not just the ex without hesitation. I’d assume they didn’t value my friendship

Hahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Pull the other one!

Go on, post these studies then, can’t wait to read them.

I've heard that women are just as likely to cheat depends on age group I think.

It's a myth that women don't enjoy sex, aren't visual etc imo.

I really hope this isn't a typo! 😂

Haha, I had a giggle at this too… really hoping the poster had a line of men she wanted to sleep with ready when she divorced her husband! 🤣

I would want to know. I don't understand the people that stop talking to their friends because the told them about an affair. To me they are looking out for you, and they aren't the ones that are cheating on you the DH is. I'd rather one of my friends tell me as devastating as that would be than everyone knowing about an affair and people being afraid to tell me. I would stop being someone's friend for that reason unless they had a good reason for letting me walk around looking like blissful idiot.

I would definitely want to be told , life is to short to be spending it with someone that has no respect for you

There was a thread recently about this and I was pleased to see the majority said they’d tell.

I don't understand the people that stop talking to their friends because the told them about an affair.

It's not rocket science. And some people prefer to turn a blind eye.

I would want to know. Also, in my experience men cheat and then lie and dodge the truth so telling the wife probably just confirms the suspicions she already had.

The problem comes when people think they want to know, a friend finds out and tells them, and they then realise actually they didn’t want to know or don’t care because they can’t afford to leave or don’t want to suffer financially, have young kids, maybe they have a nice life comfortable together with a nice house/holidays etc, they realise actually they’d rather have a cheating partner than no partner at all… the list goes on, they decide to stay. But a friend knows, so they’re embarrassed to be staying and playing happy families. Hence the friend gets the abuse & gets cut off because I’d be embarrassed if my friend told me my husband was cheating and then was watching us swan off on holiday and all loved up.

Tell her! She needs to know.

Do it anonymously as one of your friends

I do think it’s mostly men but women are catching up, I know of quite a few, they are more subtle with it. My mum knew of loads when she was a housewife raising kids.
I think men will always have the majority though because their dick thinks for them.

@Mrsttcno1 exactly