Parents who admit to extreme gender disappointment makes me shudder

[Lavenderforest]

Prepared to be told I’m awful and judgemental

& going to call this gender disappointment because that’s what the majority call it

I’m going to call this extreme gender disappointment because I believe it’s normal and acceptable to have a bit of a preference. I don’t think it’s bad to admit you would have loved a daughter but you’re happy with your 2 sons. I don’t think it’s bad to say you have a feeling you’re going to have a girl but you’d quite like a boy but either way, healthy baby is what’s important.

What I can’t stand, and gives me the ick, is when people are so devastated and “shocked” that they’re having a certain gender to the point where they cry, and say they’re heartbroken and can’t bond with their baby. They can’t see any good in having a daughter, they list 50 negatives to having a girl (all stereotypes) and admit to being seething.

I have also witnessed videos of soon to be parents crying and face like thunder that they’re having “another boy…”. Makes me cringe thinking they post that online for all to see.

And I am really sorry to say I do find it uncomfortable when you hear of couples who continuously try for another baby JUST because they want a girl. “We’ve got 5 boys but I want to try, just one more time for my daughter”. If it’s the only reason to have a baby. I do find it odd.

What are your opinions?

This👆👆I have never met anyone with these ‘extreme’ reactions IRL and where are all these videos 🤔Surely you would only see them if looking for them online!

I understand that and that’s one of the main reason I didn’t choose to find out what I was having with my son. I didn’t have a gender preference but if I’d been told he was a little girl, and I’d thought of names for her, and bought gender specific things for her and used female pronouns for over half the time I’d known her, then given birth to a boy I think that would have been a shock and disappointment because as well as gaining a son, I’d have lost the daughter I though I was having. And the same the other way around, but it’s much more unusual as far as I know to be told it’s boy and have him actually be a girl. But as it was I was expecting a baby and got one.

💯. My mother told me she cried when she found out I was a girl. It sucks. It deeply affected me my entire life in terms of my relationship with her. Parents do this quite often.

My aunt, who also has three boys always says, "I wouldn't know what to do if they handed me a girl".

@Gumbo Someone else who 'gets it'. I don't like clothes shopping, I don't wear make up, my chosen mode of transport was a motorbike.

It's almost always mums being disappointed about having a boy, or dad's being disappointed about having a girl in my experience. Don't think I've ever seen it the other way around (although I'm sure it happens...). It very much feels like the mum wanting to impose girly dresses/make up/ballet/etc on their unborn child, and in the case of dads, being obsessed with having someone to train at football or "go for a drink at the pub" with when the child is older

I understand entirely.

I managed to avoid committing any violent acts, but I expressed myself firmly when pregnant at 40 with DS2 after 3 mcs that no child of mine was a disappointment and if anyone was disappointed they wouldn’t have much contact with baby.

I have PIL who both expressed a strong gender preference for a girl.

Sending best wishes- and hope that it works out well for you.

Why do people keep watching social media content that gives them the rage?
It’s a bit like the Meghan haters who claim she should go away but obsessively watch any content featuring her 😂

That's completely different, not because you're raising boys they will go on to abuse women for sure. Opposite, boys being raised nowadays should be boys taught to respect women, treat them as equal, etc. you're stereotyping boys.

Worst part is there's a decent chance her son's classmates will find that video one day and pass it around. The school bullies will be taunting him about how his mum didn't want him. And his mum won't have a leg to stand on to deny it.

There was a post a few years ago where a mum with three daughters said how she hated going out with all 3 of them, because she ‘knew she got pitying looks from people with both genders’ and she hated having to see families with mixed genders or boys out, as she’d been so desperate for a boy. (This was in the US- it seems more common that girls are favoured in the UK, when people have a preference).

I’m one of 3 girls, and it made me think- how awful it would have been if my mum had felt like that about us, how self-absorbed too really, not to mention utterly ridiculous! I know you feel how you feel- but when you have kids, you have a responsibility to do something about feelings they are going to have a detrimental impact on your own children!

Being in a house or office full of women/females is one of my worst nightmares- I can't imagine how I'd cope with a load of daughters! (I'm a woman btw)

I think when people experience severe gender disappointment, there’s often something else behind it - perhaps bereavement, a very bad relationship with a parent or sibling of that sex, or previous abuse by men, for example. And I think it’s an indication that they may need some help or therapy.

I really wanted boys - although I wouldn’t say it was severe, I would have been happy with a girl - and I think that can probably be traced back to a) a very strained relationship with my mother and b) some other difficulties in teenage years that I wouldn’t want to parent a girl through.

Separate to that, though, anyone who posts dramatic emotional reaction videos online needs therapy.

I can remember expressing that sort of thing when i was younger. I now work in an office full of women, and it's absolutely fine. We're all professionals, and it's an academic institution, it would honestly make no difference to me if we were men or women.

I know what people mean when they express dread at gossipy/cliquey women, but let me tell you, that sort of behaviour totally exists amongst men too. My son was telling me all about the team of male engineering apprentices yesterday - they sound like a group of gossipy old women! Its more to do with maturity and professionalism than it is about gender.

I mean maybe we should all just not have children then if it’s such a worry. God forbid they would be boys.
I often wonder how women with your attitude find partners to have children with.

It's not at attitude, simply stating facts.

I find it funny how we can all agree that men are responsible for the majority of women deaths, abuse, violence but God forbid we discuss where these men come from. Seeing some very typical in denial MIL responses here which is sad.

That’s not what should come to mind when people find out the sex of their child. Do you think worrying that baby boys will be murderers should be encouraged following scans?

No I just don't think people should be so surprised by gender disappointment as a huge amount of work needs to go into ensuring boys don't end up that way. Sadly I see most are in denial this work needs to be done, which explains why things are how they are.

@SordidSplendour 'I find it funny how we can all agree that men are responsible for the majority of women deaths, abuse, violence but God forbid we discuss where these men come from. Seeing some very typical in denial MIL responses here which is sad.'

You don't have a point to make, you are just on here to trash men. No-one is making 'typical MIL responses', you are just posting nonsensical man-hate.

Your posts are full of very broad generalisations and stereotypes. Maybe the men in your life are like that and if that’s the case I feel sad for you.

People who are likely the feel that way should never get pregnant. There's a 50% chance fgs.

Currently pregnant with my 3rd boy, due any day now. The amount of times I've been asked if I'll try for a girl or had a head tilt is quite shocking! We are 100% done and we're all delighted to be welcoming another baby boy. I was happy either way, probably had a slight twinge of disappointment that I'll never have a daughter but honestly, it was short lived and I wasn't 'upset' as such. My house and heart is full. I don't understand the extreme disappointment either. Feel very very grateful I got to do it even once let alone 3 full term pregnancies as many don't get the same experience. I think sometimes people drop their blessings. Also aware hormones may play a huge role in how it affects some women.

I disagree. I found out the gender of both of my (very loved) DS at my 20 week scans. I always wanted a daughter, so was disappointed when I was told my second DC would also be a boy. BUT, by the time he was born I was used to the idea and very happily welcomed our second DS into the world.

I've often thought how good it was to have had that time to adjust to the news, so there wasn't a feeling of disappointment on the day he was born.

Honestly the people experiencing this are PREGNANT - I cried when I had the scan and got told one’s having a girl, I also cried when I opened a bag of crisps believing they were salt and vinegar when actually the bastards were cheese and onion-
hormones make everything dramatic and it’s really not the deep.

the people who have experienced this will already feel crap about their reaction and this thread isn’t going to help.

Mumsnet should be about mums supporting other mums….

Its ridiculous how angry this topic makes people on Mumsnet and how they think women who experience gender disappointment should be silenced and not allowed to express their feelings. Its also funny the denial that men and women are treated differently in society, therefore making gender preference and disappointment a real and understandable phenomena.

Its also amusing the absolute hypocrisy on here. The suggestions that women want girls just to dress up and treat like dolls but they are sooooo glad they had sons because they hate girly shit.

Im into hiking and mountain biking. Have brothers. Always wanted a boy. Married a man who only has brothers. Got pregnant and was astounded when they said boy on the ultrasound that i actually got really upset and disappointed and walked out extremely upset. I cannot fully explain why but it certainly wasnt because i wanted a girly girl to dress up like a princess. As another poster said men are more likely to be the perpetrators of violent crimes, as well as getting into drugs or gangs and the weight of responsibility to ensure that doesn't happen is very real.

Yeah, makes you wonder what comes next (if the kid, further down the line, doesn't live up to what the parents' image of what their child would be like). Or if the child IS the sex they want but then isn't the stereotypical girl / boy they were imagining (if they cared that much about the sex, they must have had some very stereotyped ideas of what they sexes are like). Mothers furious that their girls don't like being dressed up / make up / dolls and pink and glitter; dads who thought they were going to take their son to the football and don't hide their disappointment when he hates all sport. Poor kids.