Parents who admit to extreme gender disappointment makes me shudder

[Lavenderforest]

Prepared to be told I’m awful and judgemental

& going to call this gender disappointment because that’s what the majority call it

I’m going to call this extreme gender disappointment because I believe it’s normal and acceptable to have a bit of a preference. I don’t think it’s bad to admit you would have loved a daughter but you’re happy with your 2 sons. I don’t think it’s bad to say you have a feeling you’re going to have a girl but you’d quite like a boy but either way, healthy baby is what’s important.

What I can’t stand, and gives me the ick, is when people are so devastated and “shocked” that they’re having a certain gender to the point where they cry, and say they’re heartbroken and can’t bond with their baby. They can’t see any good in having a daughter, they list 50 negatives to having a girl (all stereotypes) and admit to being seething.

I have also witnessed videos of soon to be parents crying and face like thunder that they’re having “another boy…”. Makes me cringe thinking they post that online for all to see.

And I am really sorry to say I do find it uncomfortable when you hear of couples who continuously try for another baby JUST because they want a girl. “We’ve got 5 boys but I want to try, just one more time for my daughter”. If it’s the only reason to have a baby. I do find it odd.

What are your opinions?

Completely agree, if you have an opinion/preference you're not emotionally mature enough to have a baby.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a preference, but I think that people should consider why their preference is what it is and the gender stereotypes that often go with that. Posting it online is too far though. If you know you have a strong preference, don’t find out in public and don’t post your disappointment you have about your child online.

I was the much wanted daughter and grand daughter.

The problem for me was that I wasn't the girl that had been imagined. I have spent my life being a disappointment.

Totally agree
I also can't bear over the top "gender reveals" or going absolutely wild decorating an entire room pink or blue and buying matching everything before the baby is even born.
Then being "devastated" if it turns out it was the other sex because they've really bonded with their boy or girl. Scans can be wrong!
I found out with all of mine but always on the acknowledgement that we could get a surprise on the birth!

Personally I see more women than men struggling with gender disappointment. While the sperm gives the X or Y, there's some evidence that the egg actually selects the sperm rather than being passively fertilised by the first sperm there. That said outside of PGD neither parent has active control over if it’s an X or Y sperm so it really doesn’t matter whether the it’s the sperm which provides the chromosome or the egg which selects a sperm that has that chromosome. Neither the mother or father is to ‘blame’.

I think it depends. Some people are so caught up in their self-centred little world that they don't realise how thankful they should be for what they have.

But there's also gender disappointment that's way more complicated than that and can link to mental health issues, past trauma at the hands of a specific sex, association with that person's own sex being abused therefore fearful of a baby of the same sex also being abused etc. Or as the pp described, the trauma of the desth of another baby. It's not even predictable as they issues may only rear up during pregnancy so couldn't necessarily be dealt with in advance.

Anyone who only wants a child of one sex and not the other - except for medical reasons relating to inherited conditions - isn't fit to be a parent.

I'm starting to wonder if we should go back to the days when you weren't told the sex of the baby, exceptions could be made for medical reasons (such as genetic diseases) obviously. I didn't find out with any of my 3, the first two because it wasn't standard practice then, the third I chose not to know because a surprise at the birth is actually quite nice.

I do remember however being very surprised when DD was handed to me after my C/S and they told me she was a girl, so maybe that also makes me a terrible person 😂 we didn't find out on our scans, but the whole pregnancy I was absolutely convinced in my gut she was a boy. Can't even tell you why it was just the feeling I had. We absolutely didn't have a preference but I just remember thinking "Pff funny joke, I know it's not a girl!" But then I had also had a very sudden/emergency C/S pre-term and was also in fairly complete denial that I had even given birth at all by that point because it was all so quick! I'm pg with no2 at the moment and my gut is convinced it's a girl this time, so naturally I'm assuming it's a boy because obviously my gut instinct is absolute shite

I knew someone who thought that women who had boys weren’t “real” mothers.

She only had girls, and said she wouldn’t have another baby because she couldn’t “risk” it being a boy, because then she’d have to have it adopted.

She was a strange one.

This exactly what happened to me...my mother wanted me to be a girly girl and wear the 'pretty frocks' she made and learn to dance. Instead I wore my brother's old clothes, refused to wear dresses and was very sporty. I was was a bitter disappointment...

The women who are so desperate for girls seem to make huge assumptions about what that girl will be like, and not consider she might not live up to their dream...

I don’t understand any extreme of it. A particular sex is not guaranteed; how can someone not know or have anticipated that fact beats me.

I totally agree. I saw a gender reveal video🤮 and after 4 girls it was a boy. They made such a big deal that they were finally getting a boy. It was disgusting and I did comment it wasn't nice for the girls that they had to see and to feel less than. My God I got slated for months.
I have a relative who had 3 girls and carried on to get a boy, she got one and it was awful to see how different she treated him to the girls. We no longer see them fortunately.
I don't watch them anymore they just wind me up.

How thick is she?!

I agree OP. I recently gave birth to my 2nd son and I was absolutely delighted to be having another boy. I wasn't disappointed at all to not be having a girl and I genuinely don't feel I'm missing out in anything by not having a daughter. Yet I've lost track of the amount of people who told me when I was pregnant "are you going to try for a girl for your third" or "you might get lucky next time". This was even said to me by a doctor in the hospital!

I find it so offensive. I'm not even wanting a 3rd child, there's nothing wrong with having two boys and even if I had a third (which won't be happening), it could just easily be another boy which I'd be delighted at!

This is exactly how I feel - we have 2 boys and I would have loved a girl but our 2 boys have been wonderful and are now amazing men - how could I regret that! My mum did said I would never be happy without a daughter and I was so upset with her that things cooled for a few months as a child is not meant to fill a hole in you but add to your family and joy

I agree.

I know of someone who had eight boys in there pursuit for a girl admitted in front of them that they wanted a girl moved across the country to be with another man to try for a girl (with the other children) now has granddaughters and I hope they are content because when her last one came out as a boy my ds who was quite young at the time said when is she trying for another baby then? Because it was normal to them "boy disappointment" try again

Agree. It’s weird.

Tbh I don't even understand the mindset behind mild gender disappointment. I just found out the sex of my baby yesterday and while I was excited to know, I was completely indifferent to whether it was a boy or girl.

I'm not sure what people are picturing when they say they want, for example, a girl. Having a girl doesn't guarantee that your daughter will like clothes shopping, or chatting about boys, or going dancing or whatever mother-daughter activities you're picturing.

Likewise having a boy doesn't mean that they will like sports or whatever.

I think it makes more sense to say "I want a child who will like sports like I do" than saying "I want a boy/girl".

I am so sorry for your loss. I of course was not talking about cases like yours, which are completely different and not at all like the ones mentioned in my OP.

But why try for a baby if you are going to be completely devastated to have a boy, and worry they are going to murder one day. Seems a bit odd.

I have a little boy who is not a stereotypical boy at all and neuro-diverse, so it's a good job we had no expectations of who he would be based on his gender. You get what you're given.

I knew someone who thought you couldn’t be a proper feminist unless you had a daughter to fight for. Very strange.

I agree