Parents who admit to extreme gender disappointment makes me shudder

[Lavenderforest]

Prepared to be told I’m awful and judgemental

& going to call this gender disappointment because that’s what the majority call it

I’m going to call this extreme gender disappointment because I believe it’s normal and acceptable to have a bit of a preference. I don’t think it’s bad to admit you would have loved a daughter but you’re happy with your 2 sons. I don’t think it’s bad to say you have a feeling you’re going to have a girl but you’d quite like a boy but either way, healthy baby is what’s important.

What I can’t stand, and gives me the ick, is when people are so devastated and “shocked” that they’re having a certain gender to the point where they cry, and say they’re heartbroken and can’t bond with their baby. They can’t see any good in having a daughter, they list 50 negatives to having a girl (all stereotypes) and admit to being seething.

I have also witnessed videos of soon to be parents crying and face like thunder that they’re having “another boy…”. Makes me cringe thinking they post that online for all to see.

And I am really sorry to say I do find it uncomfortable when you hear of couples who continuously try for another baby JUST because they want a girl. “We’ve got 5 boys but I want to try, just one more time for my daughter”. If it’s the only reason to have a baby. I do find it odd.

What are your opinions?

I think we'd be doing much better as a society if mothers DID worry more that their boys could grow up to be violent, abusive etc instead of acting like it's an impossibility.

Yes OP, I will never understand having such a preference that it upsets someone when they do not have a baby that is the sex they wanted. I’ve seen the damage opinions like this can have. My MIL has 3 boys, and she has never hidden the fact that she only had her third child because she was desperately hoping for a girl. Her youngest grew up being told that, and even though all her sons are now in their 30’s and 40’s, she still talks about how sad she is that she never got to raise a daughter. Her youngest is an alcoholic and has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years - I’m sure there is more to it than the things his mother has said to him over the years, but I can imagine 35+ years of being told you were a disappointment to your mother from the second she saw what was between his legs has left a dreadful scar on his self esteem and mental wellbeing. It can’t have been nice either for my husband and his other brother either - that she did not feel complete as a mother with “only” boys to raise. Shocking behavior and so lacking in self awareness.

I have two of each but I can imagine how tempting it would be to 'go for one more' if they were all the same gender. However I always think of those who are unable to have any dc and for those who have had an ill child. At the end of the day it just goes to show that it's all superficial really . But I do have empathy for the Mums who long for the opposite of what they have. It is a longing that they may never fulfill.

https://www.economist.com/leaders/2025/06/05/the-stunning-decline-of-the-preference-for-having-boys

great article here about this weird phenomenon globally. Sobering about gendercide in so many countries where girls are selectively aborted it skews the population leading to increase in rape etc yet the West has developed a preference for girls.

100% agree. I have 3 boys and the number of people who have asked me over the years if I'll try again for a girl is crazy. And not just ask once, ask over and over and give 'reasons' why I'm missing out.

Agreed. It's so indulgent and immature. The gender reveal videos when they start crying and / or going mental do amuse me -it's a 50/50 chance about what gender you get. I do feel sorry for the children if they ever end up seeing them

It’s ridiculous. I have 2 boys. I have a brother and all my cousins are 1 boy and 1 girl families. None if the siblings have ever been as close as my (now adult) sons are. I see many benefits to same sex siblings. So, I don’t think the people who are telling you this can possibly understand what they might be ‘missing’ by having the family that you have. Some people are just really unintelligent.

My son was very boyish as a child but turned out to be an artist and creative professionally and loves animals especially cats.
He is a gentle soul, I can't see how a girl could have been any better than that.

I agree with you OP - I feel like it’s the sort of thing only felt by the blissfully fertile who have never struggled or lost. Having a baby - any baby - is a gift.

I don't know anyone IRL who talks like this. Best to just avoid those kinds of posters/themes. My feeds are full of things I love - arty stuff, gymnastics, cats, comedians I like, views of places I love... I never see these stupid videos so wonder what people are following to be seeing so many.

I agree OP. People can’t help how they feel but in these situations I think it’s cruel to have a child and risk a 50% chance you’ll be devastated.

I had a very slight preference for a girl. It’s what I imagined when I imagined having a baby. However I felt no disappointment at finding out he was a boy. I felt happy and excited and soon I couldn’t imagine anything other than a boy.

When people have extreme gender disappointment I think it’s 99.9% of the time that they have really significant unresolved trauma. Often it’s from childhood and they’re trying to recreate or fix or avoid a dynamic they had with their own parents.

I don’t think people should feel ashamed of extreme gender disappointment - I think it should be a massive alarm bell that they need therapy and to deal with whatever issues they are holding onto.

Obviously ideally that happens before you decide to have a child. I find it hard to imagine they had no idea they’d feel this way when choosing to get pregnant. I think often they know but just do it anyway and hope they have what they want which is a real shame.

All very well fighting for daughters but someone needs to be raising sons to be feminists or it’ll be defence forever.

Couldn’t agree more. After 5 losses I’d just be happy to bring home a baby

Ye

My sister In law told me she was 'gutted' that she was having a girl. I lost my first baby, a girl, at 41 weeks. She would be 20 this month. I posted on here at the time and was told I was being unreasonable and sister in law had every right to a preference!!

Agreed.

I know someone who was soooo obviously convinced they were having a boy both of their pregnancies and found out day of birth they were daughters. Both times you could tell they were so disappointed after 9 months of mentally preparing for a boy (and having ‘gifted’ friends say they knew it was boy). It was extra sad because it seemed to take the shine off the day their born as you could sense the sadness. If you’re that invested in the gender you need to put coping mechanisms in place!

I never really listened too hard, it was all nonsense about having someone to dress up, share girly times with etc.

I love seeing the relationship that my boys have, no regrets here.

I always think aswell, I'm not a very 'girly' girl, stereotypes are not guarantees for whatever magical connection they think a girl might bring. A child is their own person and the fun of being a parent is in watching them become them in ways you hadn't imagined.

I totally agree op. It's awful. I know 2 people who were outwardly devastated to have a boy. As the only mum of 2 boys and no girls in my friendship group I know I'm massively pitied as well which I find odd as I couldn't have cared less what I had!

I also find it interesting that for every post we see from people with extreme gender disappointment, there’s going to be roughly the same number of people out there who feel equally as strongly but DID get the sex they wanted so have no reason to post.

I fear that the thing that causes such an extreme preference will also manifest in other ways and I don’t think just ending up with the sex of baby you desire means that’s the problem solved.

She does have a right to a preference, but she is an absolute idiot for being gutted. How ridiculous!

I’m going to be honest, I think you’re missing the mark a bit

What you are saying is correct parents* not just mothers should raise their children right especially boys who are statistically more likely to commit these crimes

But I stand by my opinion it’s really bizarre for someone to try for a baby and be absolutely devastated to the point where you struggle to bond with your baby because they are the opposite gender.

I absolutely judge parents who do this and feel so sorry for these poor unborn babies who years down the line have a very good chance of finding this out .
I wish they would keep their thoughts shared between themselves only and their big mouths shut.
And be very very grateful for the perfect and hopefully healthy baby they get whatever the sex.

Agreed. I was a little disappointed when I found out I was having a boy for quite a few reasons (nearly all of them selfish). But the second I held him I couldn’t believe I ever felt that way. Surely if you can hold your baby and still feel disappointed then it’s usually more of a MH/PPD situation?

Something I’ve seen a few times recently is women posting on here who are happy to be having a little boy but their own mum is disappointed and making a big deal out of it to the point where it’s causing the OP lots of upset.

I think too much normalising and ‘validating’ gender disappointment will lead to more of this. When I see posters say they were so relieved and would have been devastated to not have a daughter, no interest in having a boy I always think of the fact a lot of those little girls will grow up and have only sons and will they have to deal with their own mum being ‘devastated’ for them 🙄

Verrrry much agree. I work in antenatal care and as much as I keep my opinions to myself and smile.... I absolutely cannot abide when people whinge about the baby being the wrong gender.
It's especially grating when you've just dealt with someone dealing with something tragic like a miscarriage or an abnormality.

Of course it's human nature to think such things. We all have a myriad of thoughts, good , bad, weird... Some of them are best off kept inside your head. A disappointment of your precious childs gender is one of them in my opinion..

I agree. I think it makes it seem like they are more interested in having a doll or a puppet to control, rather than producing a unique and beautiful new human being.
I resent deeply the sympathies or dismissive comments I’ve received as a mother of three boys. As the second of my sons was stillborn, I find it especially icky when people are anything other than over the moon at the birth of a healthy living child of either sex.
Imagine carrying your baby’s coffin and then tell me again how “heartbroken” you are that they have a pee pee instead of a fairy.