Parents who admit to extreme gender disappointment makes me shudder

[Lavenderforest]

Prepared to be told I’m awful and judgemental

& going to call this gender disappointment because that’s what the majority call it

I’m going to call this extreme gender disappointment because I believe it’s normal and acceptable to have a bit of a preference. I don’t think it’s bad to admit you would have loved a daughter but you’re happy with your 2 sons. I don’t think it’s bad to say you have a feeling you’re going to have a girl but you’d quite like a boy but either way, healthy baby is what’s important.

What I can’t stand, and gives me the ick, is when people are so devastated and “shocked” that they’re having a certain gender to the point where they cry, and say they’re heartbroken and can’t bond with their baby. They can’t see any good in having a daughter, they list 50 negatives to having a girl (all stereotypes) and admit to being seething.

I have also witnessed videos of soon to be parents crying and face like thunder that they’re having “another boy…”. Makes me cringe thinking they post that online for all to see.

And I am really sorry to say I do find it uncomfortable when you hear of couples who continuously try for another baby JUST because they want a girl. “We’ve got 5 boys but I want to try, just one more time for my daughter”. If it’s the only reason to have a baby. I do find it odd.

What are your opinions?

YANBU. I don’t understand why you would get pregnant at all if you feel like this, given that it’s only a 50% chance of getting the sex you want. Maybe people don’t realise they’re going to feel like that until they’re actually pregnant I guess. But yeah, it’s upsetting- especially when it’s documented and shared with the internet.

I fear that the thing that causes such an extreme preference will also manifest in other ways and I don’t think just ending up with the sex of baby you desire means that’s the problem solved.

Agree and I think it can do more damage. There is usually an expectation attached when parents are desperate for one gender. So when the daughter doesn’t want to be a mini-me or stay living nearby or doesn’t ever have her own children, or when the son has zero interest in playing football there’s even more ‘gender disappointment’.

Just to add it sadly always seems to be baby boys that are the bigger 'disappointment'.
My 2 boys were the most gorgeous babies and little boys now young men .
They were very much wanted and their births celebrated , my 3rd baby a girl was wanted too but i would have been just as happy with a 3rd boy.

This.

I am so sorry .
I completely agree with you .

I cried when I found out my second baby was going to be a boy. Not because I had any problems with boys, but because my kids were the same age gap as me and my brother and we fought like cats and dogs - physical, awful fights. I was so worried my kids would be the same. But I got over my tears right away and was completely fine. It was just the initial "shock" of thinking my kids would be a repeat of my brother and me. Luckily, they get along great and always have. And I couldn't love either of them any more than I do!

I agree. I have 3 boys (well, 2 are men), and whilst I do sometimes wonder what having a daughter might be like, i would never say I am disappointed. I have 3 amazing sons who are all completely different individuals.

If you have kids you have to expect the unexpected, they could turn out one of a million different ways (gender isn't even a fraction of it), they could be academic, sporty, religious, bookish, shy, theatrical, adventurous.. none of those things is dependent on their gender (or sexuality), and you don't get to pick and choose. Anyone who has a child with expectations on how the child turns out is being hugely selfish and probably shouldn't be a parent. If you can't cope if you don't get the gender you want, how will cope if the child develops a mental or physical disability?

Sorry for your loss xx

YANBU

You’re human and these thoughts imo are natural and normal. I just think it’s odd to have extreme reactions like being disgusted with having a boy, not wanting to bond, shocked and even angry that lasts a long time and even whilst caring for your child

I probably had what you would describe as mild gender disappointment. I didn't know what to do with a girl as I'm not typically girly. We only planned for one child and after previous two losses it was hard to get my head around. However after a week I got over it and loved saying I was having a girl. She's amazing at six and I love the bones of her. Then we felt that we wanted to be more than a three and honestly that time I couldn't have cared less what the gender was. We kept it a surprise as we were that unbothered. Turned out he was a boy but there was no euphoria over it just here's our second child sort of thing.

Same!

My mum was desperate for a girl and got me. I’m an introverted tomboy and I have absolutely nothing in common with her. I think it was very confusing for her when I was a child. She was expecting a clone of herself, or at least a child she could mold.

I honestly think if I wasn’t her child she wouldn’t like me at all as a person. She wanted to have girls holidays and shopping trips, and for me to live nearby and give her lots of grandchildren.

I was always quiet and bookish (though I’m happy with this!) and moved away from my home town forever because I wanted a completely different life. I don’t think it occurred to her that I’d be so different to her.

I’m the youngest of 3 girls. I asked my Dad once if he’d have liked a boy when I was born he said he would, but as well as me, not instead of. I loved him for that

And she should have known better than to express it to someone who had lost a full term stillborn baby girl.

My great-grandmother was hugely disappointed that my grandmother was a girl. She sadly had 3 stillborn boys before she had my grandmother and was bitterly disappointed she was a girl, and told her that all her life. She eventually had her much-wanted boy whom she treated like a little prince, whilst my grandmother was treated like a skivvy. My poor grandmother was never told she was wanted. This is, I'm sure, why she developed Borderline Personality Disorder (which is problems forming healthy attachments, poor self-esteem, and fear of rejection), which also had a knock-on effect for my poor mum.

My heart breaks for anyone who feels rejected or less wanted by a parent. There's no way that's not going to affect your mental health.

100%. Just read the room!

If I could have chosen I’d definitely have chosen a boy. That’s because I much prefer the chosen activities of the average boy than those of the average girl. Think football and cricket rather than princesses and ponies.

Of course I’d have been absolutely fine with either outcome but absolutely no problem having a preference provided it doesn’t become too extreme.

There's sooooo much more to kids than football and ponies. To boil it down to boys and girls being that two-dimentional and stereotypical is a bit dumb.

I have 3 boys, only one of them likes sports. The eldest is into music and electronics, my middle son is a reader/writer, and the youngest likes athletics (his friendship group at athletics club includes many girls btw). No a single male in my house watches football.

Hence why I said average.

I’m not sure a sample size of 3 is statistically significant.

Its not an either/or game is my point. Just as many boys are bookish and academic, as there are girls who are physical and sporty.

Sure and I am teaching my sons to be be caring, responsible men. But then the same is true for mothers to teach their daughters to be independant, strong, able young women. Whatever you get it’s your responses a parent to reach them to be a good human.

My partner's ex wife was an extreme version of this. Desperate for a daughter, barely acknowledges their sons. It makes me feel sick.

I know someone like this in real life. Were told at the scan they were having a girl. Baby arrived- it was a boy. They were devastated. Husband had a break down at work crying because his wife was so distressed it was a boy. They had decorated the nursery all pink etc and couldn't bear to go in there so friends painted it and removed the pink 'girly' things one weekend whilst they stayed with her parents.

Never mind they were blessed with a lovely and healthy baby that lots of people would long for...

Absolutely batshit.

Oh see I sort of get the shock of this, we were told at our scan a boy and although most of his clothes and what not were neutral, you do sort of plan in your head a future with that child and you name and bond with them in your belly as that person. This happens more than people think, but most people do after the initial shock then laugh about it. Scans are never 100% and I always knew that in the back of my mind

I do think a break down is a bit of an over reaction. I hope their son is cared and loved

Also op re these videos keep showing up on your feed, depending on the channel might be worth clicking the "dont recommend this channel" button..which i do alot with all the awful ai generated videos which are rife lately