To ignore my over friendly neighbour?

[ggratis]

I live on a new build estate with my DP & baby. The couple opposite moved in shortly after we did, they’re a couple with a young child. We were pleasant with them, as we are with all of our neighbours and would exchange small talk if we saw them outside. We have a neighbours group chat on WhatsApp where we ask about parcels or parking etc.

When I was pregnant, our neighbour started messaging me frequently to check in which I thought was nice originally. They kept inviting us over for dinner and a ‘Mario party’ & hinting at us hosting them. We eventually accepted and went round. As nice as they seemed, I don’t think any of us had much in common & it was a bit awkward.

The husband is nice enough but the wife is quite pushy, she started messaging me about arranging a coffee date but wouldn’t take no for an answer, o was making a lot of excuses but I felt bad turning her down. DP told me to just join her for a coffee she might be lonely and it may be okay. Ended up going round at 39 weeks pregnant where she dumped a load of her clothes on me, she asked if id like some baby girls clothes then offloaded me with a bag of boys clothes aged 11-12 and tried to give me a load of her old clothes too.

Since then, she’d been messaging me everyday, triple & quadruple texting me. Asked me 7 times how I was planning to deliver the baby (c section or induction etc), whenever I would leave the house, she’d message immediately asking if I was ‘on my way to hospital’ or ‘is the baby coming’, & everyday had a message counting down the days to my due date (shouldn’t have told her I know).

As soon as the baby was born, it was “when can we meet the baby” repeatedly, and when I let them come round she overstayed her welcome to be honest. It was nearly 8pm and she started making comments about better get back as she had to cook dinner and next time they would come for dinner. Then for the next 3 months it was messages asking to meet for coffee, go to the park or for a walk. I gave in again because it was relentless, she came round for a coffee and stayed for 6 hours. In the end I offered her a glass of wine as I was pouring one, then she started asking ‘how could you drink whilst you’re breastfeeding, I would never’.

Often when I leave the house, she will message to tell me I look beautiful. She found my Facebook and added me, she then messaged me to tell me my pictures were beautiful. If I’m outside, she sees me from the window and messages to ask if I’m texting?? Often messages me to tell me her child misses me and wants to see me. Messages me good morning, what are my plans & sends me photos of her and her child etc.

Shes asked me to join her for her birthday to go to a restaurant, it will be just me and her. I’ve ignored her but she keeps messaging me. I can’t make an excuse as she will see I am home. I don’t want to make it awkward but she’s really not getting the hint, I ignore her messages probably 80% of the time. I now realise I shouldn’t have started being over friendly in the first place. I thought it may be a cultural difference as she’s not originally from the UK and thought she may be lonely. She does have a part time job and I’ve seen her with a couple of friends though.

Expecting to be flamed but what can I do?

It sounds like she fancies you

She sounds like a complete pain in the ass, and a bit unhinged socially. This is all too much. You need to pull back, start ignoring her, and stop socialising with her at all.

Sounds like she’s very lonely. I think you’ll need to be honest and say you don’t have time for another friend right now.

Honestly at this point I’d get a new number, this is crazy!

So ignoring her doesn’t work, maybe start replying to her ‘I can’t sorry, we are just having chilled family time’ ‘No sorry I have things to sort at home’

Sounds like a nightmare, good luck

I think you should be fairly honest with her OP, next time she asks you for coffee, text back and say something like 'To be honest (name) your constant invitations to do things together, are a bit too much for me. Now that I have the baby, I want to spend most of the time when I'm not busy caring for him/her, catching up on sleep. If things change I'll get in touch'. If she texts again, offering to babysit to give you free time or whatever, just text back and say 'No thanks, I'm fine, just don't want to socialise right now, I'll get in touch if anything changes'. If after that she texts again, just block her. Also, do you have a ring doorbell? If not, it might be worth getting one so that you don't have to go to the door if she comes knocking.

Where's she from originally?

I think you’re going to have to resort to being a bit rude. She’s clearly not going to take a hint. What happens if you just leave her messages on read and don’t reply? Maybe you could just mute notifications from her, or better still archive the chat with her so you don’t even see it. If she asks why you’re not responding you can be tactful and say you’re trying to minimise your use of social media, or you could be a bit more blunt about how you feel overwhelmed with all the messages. I’m always careful not to offend anyone, but there comes a point where you have to protect yourself.

She sounds incredibly intense and possibly insecure. 1 issue is, the more she begs, she has always got away with it and you given in. That needs to stop.

Even if you are at home, you are busy- no need to elaborate, its a NO. I'd change the settings on your facebook so she can no longer view photos. If she asks, say you were hacked. Ideally, I'd just block her but I know it can be tricky when she lives SO close!

I'd be inclined to tell her that she is coming across as extremely intense and you need time with her new baby. Then ignore future meet up requests.

This was my first thought too!

She sounds lonely and clearly views you as a close friend.
You’re not feeling the same so I think you need to be honest with her.

DP jokes about her fancying me but I genuinely don’t think she does!

I do just think she’s very lonely, but I barely have time to see the friends & family I do have. I do wonder if she thinks I’m lonely?

Id get a new number but as she’s just opposite I think she’d just start knocking. When I’ve told her I’m busy in the past, she’ll suggest other days and times including telling me her entire work rota for example.

I do leave the messages on read, she’ll change the subject and text, if I ignore that she’ll change the subject again :/

I think it's better to speak up, even if it feels extremely awkward and difficult. I would say something like you're feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the volume of messages and constant requests to spend time with her. Say you're busy with the new baby and any spare time is spent as a family or getting some rest. Tell her you simply don't have the time or the inclination for the intensity of her friendship. You're not being rude or nasty, just honest. Hopefully once you've made this clear, she'll leave you alone!

Never accept any invitation to hers or allow her round to you. She’ll get the message eventually or you’ll have to tel her you don’t want to be friends with your neighbours.
I can’t believe you couldn’t get her to leave sooner than 6 hours though - maybe you need some assertiveness training.

I feel for you. If her behaviour isn’t unhinged, it’s getting close. I suspect you’re going to have to go against all your instincts and be direct and possibly harsh. She obviously has zero self awareness, nor any understanding of the British way of conducting neighbourly interactions / relationships.

She’s from Poland.

@kiwianeI probably do need some assertiveness training. @AguinnesspleaseI’m such a people pleaser, just hate the thought of having to be direct!

no advice to offer but I sympathise, OP. That is OTT and an absolute nightmare to have just across from you. You’ll probably have to say at some point, in some way, that you need a lot of space and privacy. She’s hounding you and prob thinks she’s just being friendly. I’d be tempted to move actually! One thing I would say is that you cannot afford to give mixed messages to people like this. All interactions have to feature your boundaries otherwise she’ll get confused and think you’re back on BFF basis.

You can be blunt with a Pole. I work with one and she continually tells off me and my colleague for being too British, ie too polite. She says we should just say it as it is. So just tell her, politely, to back off. And turn off your phone. Her messages will stop annoying you instantly.

Update - just noticed there’s maybe a bit of a cultural factor to it (maybe not). Either way, Don’t be scared of being direct. She’s pushing herself on you and you need to push back to respect your own needs for privacy etc. See it as being clearer.

Sorry I have a few things going on in my life at the moment so can't socialise , I would really like to be left alone but thanks anyway . If she ignores this tell her straight to go away !!

She sounds lonely, needy, and lacking in self awareness unfortunately. Which sadly is very off putting when trying to make connections.

I wouldn't like this level of intensity either. It's really hard to be "rude" but sometimes it's the only way. When you think about it , her behaviour is rude ! (Judgey comments, outstaying her welcome, harassing you via multiple messages) So don't feel too bad!

Start giving blunt replies to messages and do as you're doing by ignoring a good few.

Be permanently "busy" but give broad answers. "Can't today. Have a nice day anyway !" (So never ever prefix with "sorry" or offer other days or go into detail ) If you become aloof and boring she'd be seriously pushed not to get the hint. She'll probably do this to the next person after a while.

If she doesn't get the hint or keeps up the intensity: time to get real with her. "Jessica, I'm not sociable. I just like a quiet life. Lunch dates and texting constantly just isn't my thing" the end.

It is really hard initially. But when you think of it : she's not afraid to say judgey comments? She's not afraid to keep texting when you're clearly not responding? She's not afraid to push herself on you or stay at your home for 8 hours ? So she's not being polite and people pleasing you is she ?

I'm a reforming people pleaser and I started thinking of it like that. The over politeness and keeneess to please wasn't being extended to me! And also I was attracting narcissistic or draining people. This type sniffs you right out.

Furthermore, I realise how disingenuous people pleasers can be (this is coming from a former one trust me ) and I then realise how I must be coming across. Where people don't really know your true opinions or where they stand. It can feel very insincere and phony to the receiver.

So life is better for everyone if you're clear and direct. Think of it as you're helping yourself and others by doing it. It takes practice. You haven't got to be horrible. But start off by holding back before you give an answer and thinking to yourself "right, what do I really think about what they're asking me ?" Not "how will they feel on the receiving end of what I say ? How can I make them feel better if I offend them ? What do they want to hear ?"

Also stop doing the wide smile ! (Come on, I know you do it. All us people pleasers do) Where your body language is lovely and open and polite and smiley, good eye contact. It gives them the wrong message.

Try not smiling when you're delivering the message (blank/neutral ) "I've got to go Jessica, I can't stop today. See ya " (no eye contact or smile !) people like her need clear messages. She lacks awareness.

It’s so difficult to say I’m busy when she knows that I am home though! I live in a house opposite a 3 storey block of flats, she’s on the 2nd floor so she can see fully into my living room & kitchen unless I keep my blinds closed. She’s commented before that I don’t open my blinds during the day

I’m not sure whether there is a cultural factor to it as she’s told me she was quite upset about another neighbour (who also happens to be Polish), told her to stop messaging her as she was getting tired keep having to say no to her meet up requests

I'd install that silvery film on your windows so she can't look in!!! You could then keep your curtains open in the daytime if you wanted.

I wouldn't change numbers as she will definitely come knocking and it will make it more awkward than it has to be. As PP says just tell her you're busy now you've had your baby and need some more time just you and the baby/you and your partner etc. Tell her you will reach out when free but you don't have time to focus on her a lot now.
I think she's just lonely but this excessive!

She is defo lonely but if you don’t like her just move on.

Being busy is a very good excuse for most mums tbh. Don’t answer her constant texting…give yourself a deadline such as 2days without answering and she will give up.