To ignore my over friendly neighbour?

[ggratis]

I live on a new build estate with my DP & baby. The couple opposite moved in shortly after we did, they’re a couple with a young child. We were pleasant with them, as we are with all of our neighbours and would exchange small talk if we saw them outside. We have a neighbours group chat on WhatsApp where we ask about parcels or parking etc.

When I was pregnant, our neighbour started messaging me frequently to check in which I thought was nice originally. They kept inviting us over for dinner and a ‘Mario party’ & hinting at us hosting them. We eventually accepted and went round. As nice as they seemed, I don’t think any of us had much in common & it was a bit awkward.

The husband is nice enough but the wife is quite pushy, she started messaging me about arranging a coffee date but wouldn’t take no for an answer, o was making a lot of excuses but I felt bad turning her down. DP told me to just join her for a coffee she might be lonely and it may be okay. Ended up going round at 39 weeks pregnant where she dumped a load of her clothes on me, she asked if id like some baby girls clothes then offloaded me with a bag of boys clothes aged 11-12 and tried to give me a load of her old clothes too.

Since then, she’d been messaging me everyday, triple & quadruple texting me. Asked me 7 times how I was planning to deliver the baby (c section or induction etc), whenever I would leave the house, she’d message immediately asking if I was ‘on my way to hospital’ or ‘is the baby coming’, & everyday had a message counting down the days to my due date (shouldn’t have told her I know).

As soon as the baby was born, it was “when can we meet the baby” repeatedly, and when I let them come round she overstayed her welcome to be honest. It was nearly 8pm and she started making comments about better get back as she had to cook dinner and next time they would come for dinner. Then for the next 3 months it was messages asking to meet for coffee, go to the park or for a walk. I gave in again because it was relentless, she came round for a coffee and stayed for 6 hours. In the end I offered her a glass of wine as I was pouring one, then she started asking ‘how could you drink whilst you’re breastfeeding, I would never’.

Often when I leave the house, she will message to tell me I look beautiful. She found my Facebook and added me, she then messaged me to tell me my pictures were beautiful. If I’m outside, she sees me from the window and messages to ask if I’m texting?? Often messages me to tell me her child misses me and wants to see me. Messages me good morning, what are my plans & sends me photos of her and her child etc.

Shes asked me to join her for her birthday to go to a restaurant, it will be just me and her. I’ve ignored her but she keeps messaging me. I can’t make an excuse as she will see I am home. I don’t want to make it awkward but she’s really not getting the hint, I ignore her messages probably 80% of the time. I now realise I shouldn’t have started being over friendly in the first place. I thought it may be a cultural difference as she’s not originally from the UK and thought she may be lonely. She does have a part time job and I’ve seen her with a couple of friends though.

Expecting to be flamed but what can I do?

Get some privacy film on your windows. Its easy to do, cut to shape with a stanely blade & whack it on or pay a tradesman to pop it up - you’ll appreciate it

That said id come down with some vague illness that requires bedrest for the foreseeable future and use that as an excuse.

Be blunt, put a stop to it today.

Is awkward because she lives so close. But you're going to need to send her one awkward text. Don't dress it up. Something like, "Hi (Name). I don't like to be rude, but I need to make something clear. I don't think we have very much in common and so I don't want to hang out or text any longer. Hope you can understand." After that, never reply to another message and if she turns up at the door, don't answer.

It'll be toe curlingly awkward at first but if you want it to stop you need to be really clear and firm. Every time you give into her you're giving her the message that you want to interact.

Could it be the baby that's the attraction? I used to work in an open plan office and one lady in the next department along wasn't able to have children and had suffered many losses. She was obsessed with anyone who was pregnant and colleagues had to stop bringing their babies in as she used to grab them and take them off to her desk and not let anyone else get a look in. The Mum's just about needed a crowbar to get them back .

Obviously we had immense sympathy for her but it was super awkward and very odd behaviour especially as my immediate colleagues didn't even work with her yet she would grab the baby straight from their pram and scurry off with them.

This sounds very awkward. You are obviously a lovely person who wants to be kind. I agree with the need to be firm, but would you be open to a fortnightly/monthly coffee with her rather than her bombarding you with suggestions? You could perhaps put some flowers on her doorstep with a card saying you don't socialise much but would love to come over and see her on (day and time) for a coffee. If you go to hers you can leave with an excuse - appointment or whatever, and before you leave, make another date at yours, saying when you need her to leave as you like to have a nap/meditate/do a Zoom meeting, half an hour after that! That would help to keep control and avoid falling out completely.
Any chance you could do a neighbourhood barbecue or drinks or something for your immediate neighbours. I know an Irish couple who did that, and neighbours who had lived there for years finally met each other and lots of new friends were made! Also might help this woman to meet more people and dilute her attentions!
You never know when you might need a close neighbour and it's so much nicer being on good terms with people. And definitely put up that film on your windows!

Lonely or not she seems like a fucking nightmare. I had a 'friend' like this that I just had to put in her place last year. It seemed she somehow believed all of my spare time (what she meant was every second i was not working really) be spent talking to her, texting her, voicenoting her. She even 'offered' to come have xmas dinner in my house last year I was stunned but in the end I just told her look I dont have all this spare time you think. I like my family and like spending time with them when I am not working. I like to cook, clean, talk to other friends, read... i just do not have the spare time you think. She was hurt and apologised and then said she wouldnt be available for that xmas dinner after all (like wtf?) and she cooled it for a while but every few weeks I get bombarded. I have just muted her at this point as it is very unfair to try monopolise another persons time in this way. I feel for you living so close to this person. I am no help but I do empathise.

🤣they’d be welcome to, be funny how quick they’d change their minds

Maybe! 🤣there’s nearly 20 years between us but she could like a younger man, you never know

I know she’d see me coming and going though and ask why I wasn’t resting lol.

When I was heavily pregnant and left the house, she’d ask if I was in hospital, am I in a hospital bed etc

I had wondered this, but she barely interacts with the baby when she sees them. I’ve offered her to hold them, as I know some people like to, but she always declines saying that her child would be jealous.

Oh that sounds like a fucking nightmare too. I hope for your sake she’s not local? My one is a bit like this too, I agreed to meet her a couple of months ago for a walk but kept it vague. I said we’d see closer the time, depending on weather. Then when I messaged her when I had a few hours spare she was a bit arsey about next time knowing the exact time and location etc. Then she invited herself to mine saying that she doesn’t mind my mess

We’ve had a few neighbourhood bbqs, she came to the first but has turned down the rest. When we’ve been for drinks with neighbours she declines as she doesn’t seem to get along with a couple of others in her block.

She invited me to the pub a couple of weeks ago, I said that we could maybe all go as neighbours as I know some of the others were planning to go together but she doesn’t seem to want to socialise with anyone else. As you say, I thought it would dilute her attentions a little!

Don't blame yourself, you weren't over friendly, you were just friendly and polite. Most people wouldn't react as she has. She sounds like she might be lonely and just latched on to you and claimed you as her best friend.
I think at some point you're going to have to tell her to leave you alone or at least back off a bit. It might be unpleasant but I can't see any alternative.

I have a neighbour like this. Started off ok and i just thought she was welcoming me to the area. Quickly descended into messaging on Facebook after she stalked through it to find me. Asking me for coffee daily, checking where I was if I was late home from work, checking any noise in my house was me if she thought I should have been working. The list is endless.
i had to tell her to back off when she told me she’d been worried about me when I hadn’t been home for a few days and she was considering phoning my work to make sure I was ok! I was away with my DP and not working.
i told her what a weird reaction to an independent adult going about their life. She tried to justify it saying she would have been fine if she’d known I was away. I explained that I didn’t have to tell her anything about my life and that she’d massively over stepped the mark and ruined any chance of any friendship

she’s got thick skin though so occasionally she still tries to wrangle her way back in but I just ignore or avoid any questions from her.
sometimes you have to be cruel to save your self, I dreaded going home at times.

I responded that I wouldn’t be able to make going for dinner but I hope she had a lovely time. I didn’t offer any excuses and she seemed to accept it. She’s messaged me twice since, once to offer some clothing & once asking if I knew who owned the car outside

I think I’ll arrange some drinks with other neighbours and convince her to come along. She may find someone she has a little more in common with or has the time for a friendship x

I find socialising in a group easier anyway as it’s not so intense.

Oh goodness, do we have the same neighbour?😂

Where I live it’s like living in a fishbowl, I’ve had similar happen, but with a completely different neighbour! They’d ring up my DP at work to check on me if I left the house or had a lie in and hadn’t opened my curtains by 11am. Would give him a ring to make sure I was okay and he’d then call me !! I’m sure they were trying to be nice but I seem to attract them

Reflective film has been ordered!

You can say you’re busy at home.

Well for a start, unfriend and block on facebook! Then just say, sorry but I find your constant messaging very intrusive, so I’d really appreciate if you could stop messaging me as I want to concentrate on my family and am busy with that. If she keeps on, block her number.

I stupidly got involved with one of these sorts at my last workplace. They have to be kept at arm’s length but they’ll still smash through any boundaries. It’s all or nothing. I had to choose nothing and go NC

Have you considered she doesn’t want to hang about with the other neighbours because they’ve already all told her to bog off?

She sounds slightly unhinged, which would make me wonder whether she might turn into a crazy person if I dumped her. My neighbour started out being very friendly and then suddenly one day out of nowhere decided to absolutely hate my guts (I don't think I was behaving the way she wanted me to!). I honestly don't know whether her horrid remarks and glares and bitching about me to everybody is preferable to her being in my face all the time...😬🤷🏻‍♀️ But she's right next door to me where is yours is across the road so that gives you a bit of distance I guess. Some people are absolute nutcases.

I just told her straight and she took offence. I really wasn’t mean to her. I was the bad guy in the end but I don’t care, it was a small price to pay!

I have privacy film on my windows as I suffer with anxiety. The one I have looks like venetian blinds which I got from Amazon. Maybe try something like that?

I’d make up a new job that involves working from home. Then you can say you’re busy even if she knows you’re at home.