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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore my over friendly neighbour?

128 replies

ggratis · 07/07/2025 21:58

I live on a new build estate with my DP & baby. The couple opposite moved in shortly after we did, they’re a couple with a young child. We were pleasant with them, as we are with all of our neighbours and would exchange small talk if we saw them outside. We have a neighbours group chat on WhatsApp where we ask about parcels or parking etc.

When I was pregnant, our neighbour started messaging me frequently to check in which I thought was nice originally. They kept inviting us over for dinner and a ‘Mario party’ & hinting at us hosting them. We eventually accepted and went round. As nice as they seemed, I don’t think any of us had much in common & it was a bit awkward.

The husband is nice enough but the wife is quite pushy, she started messaging me about arranging a coffee date but wouldn’t take no for an answer, o was making a lot of excuses but I felt bad turning her down. DP told me to just join her for a coffee she might be lonely and it may be okay. Ended up going round at 39 weeks pregnant where she dumped a load of her clothes on me, she asked if id like some baby girls clothes then offloaded me with a bag of boys clothes aged 11-12 and tried to give me a load of her old clothes too.

Since then, she’d been messaging me everyday, triple & quadruple texting me. Asked me 7 times how I was planning to deliver the baby (c section or induction etc), whenever I would leave the house, she’d message immediately asking if I was ‘on my way to hospital’ or ‘is the baby coming’, & everyday had a message counting down the days to my due date (shouldn’t have told her I know).

As soon as the baby was born, it was “when can we meet the baby” repeatedly, and when I let them come round she overstayed her welcome to be honest. It was nearly 8pm and she started making comments about better get back as she had to cook dinner and next time they would come for dinner. Then for the next 3 months it was messages asking to meet for coffee, go to the park or for a walk. I gave in again because it was relentless, she came round for a coffee and stayed for 6 hours. In the end I offered her a glass of wine as I was pouring one, then she started asking ‘how could you drink whilst you’re breastfeeding, I would never’.

Often when I leave the house, she will message to tell me I look beautiful. She found my Facebook and added me, she then messaged me to tell me my pictures were beautiful. If I’m outside, she sees me from the window and messages to ask if I’m texting?? Often messages me to tell me her child misses me and wants to see me. Messages me good morning, what are my plans & sends me photos of her and her child etc.

Shes asked me to join her for her birthday to go to a restaurant, it will be just me and her. I’ve ignored her but she keeps messaging me. I can’t make an excuse as she will see I am home. I don’t want to make it awkward but she’s really not getting the hint, I ignore her messages probably 80% of the time. I now realise I shouldn’t have started being over friendly in the first place. I thought it may be a cultural difference as she’s not originally from the UK and thought she may be lonely. She does have a part time job and I’ve seen her with a couple of friends though.

Expecting to be flamed but what can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ggratis · 13/07/2025 18:32

Little update on the strange neighbour, I declined her invitation to meet for her birthday, she then invited me to join her at her house the day before instead which I graciously declined.

Here is where it gets a little weird. I mentioned it in passing to a former colleague over lunch, no mention of names and was in response to colleague asking about any local friends or support system I may have now I’ve had a baby (I’m from a city about an hour away). A few days later, said colleague messaged to say a friend of hers was over and mentioned she’d been having the same issues with a lady who lives in my area, (colleague lives about 20 mins away). Colleague also doesn’t know where I live! The colleagues friend lives about 5 mins away.

Anyway, she said it reminded her of what I had been saying and it turns out it’s the same personConfused Panicking now because the friend of a friend is saying she’s unhinged, a stalker and to keep my distance!

OP posts:
Steelworks · 13/07/2025 18:50

Eek! In that case, start writing down and recording every interaction - time, what was said etc.

JDM625 · 13/07/2025 19:09

Its starting to have Baby Reindeer vibes OP! 😱

I agree with keeping a diary of interactions, things said etc. No further advice, but thanks for the update and I hope things as ok x

Givenupshopping · 13/07/2025 21:24

Oh dear! That's not what you wanted to hear, is it OP? As others have said, be sure and keep a record of ANY interactions with this woman in the future, date, time, etc., just in case she does start stalking you, which I really hope won't happen.

Original poster
ggratis · 13/07/2025 22:38

I’ll start to take note of all interactions - thank you. Apologies if I’m coming across as thick but what sort of thing do I need to keep an eye out for with the stalking? I know it’s not always the case but I always think of man/woman or ex partners when I hear of stalking.

Come to think of it, I bump into her a lot. I know that’s to expected when you live opposite someone but in town, supermarket, bus stop & other roads. But then we do live in the same town obviously.

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTippex · 13/07/2025 22:42

ggratis · 07/07/2025 23:15

@kiwianeI probably do need some assertiveness training. @AguinnesspleaseI’m such a people pleaser, just hate the thought of having to be direct!

Well, you decide who is more important to you, you or her.

BeenThereBackThen · 13/07/2025 23:40

In her mind, you are close friends, she probably wants a close sister like relationship with you but you don’t want that.

Being pole, she can take directness so just say ‘i don’t want to make things awkward between us but comms from your side have been a bit too much for me at times. I am busy with my own family and could do with a bit of headspace, i feel pushed into more interaction than i would normally like. I think you are great neighbour but could do with a bit more space, hope you understand’. Or something like that

CountryVic · 13/07/2025 23:49

I only know Facebook, but you can keep her as a friend and use the restrict button, this means she won’t see any of your posts, or only the ones you choose. And maybe close your profile too so people can’t scroll all through your photos without being friends.

Hulabalu · 14/07/2025 00:01

Tell her you’re an introvert and need a lot of time to yourself and too much socialising / talking/ texting is draining for you

Original poster
ggratis · 14/07/2025 00:03

CountryVic · 13/07/2025 23:49

I only know Facebook, but you can keep her as a friend and use the restrict button, this means she won’t see any of your posts, or only the ones you choose. And maybe close your profile too so people can’t scroll all through your photos without being friends.

I didn’t know you could restrict without completely unfriending so I’ll do this, thank you. My Facebook is already quite locked down and I have a cull every few months

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 14/07/2025 00:07

I had experiences like that with 2 fifferent people at different times in my life. Pushing and pushing and pushing to become friends when I wasn't interested. I let my guard down eventually and started socialising with them. I really regretted it. Both started becoming critical and judgemental about various things after they'd known me a while. I think pushy ppl who want to befriend you are a red flag. They both turned out to be a bit flakyand I man to pull back from them.

Givenupshopping · 14/07/2025 00:22

ggratis · 13/07/2025 22:38

I’ll start to take note of all interactions - thank you. Apologies if I’m coming across as thick but what sort of thing do I need to keep an eye out for with the stalking? I know it’s not always the case but I always think of man/woman or ex partners when I hear of stalking.

Come to think of it, I bump into her a lot. I know that’s to expected when you live opposite someone but in town, supermarket, bus stop & other roads. But then we do live in the same town obviously.

I think at this stage OP, I would just jot it down in a notebook or something, every time you see her, where, what time, whether she speaks to you or not, and if she does, a summary of what is said. This way you will see how often you see her, whether she's always cropping up in places you go regularly, etc. If she appears to be following you at any point, again, write down where you were, how long she followed you for, date and time. Patterns might start to form, which you might need to use if she becomes a real problem, and if she doesn't, then you can always get rid of your notes at a later date. Trouble is, all too often stalking doesn't register immediately, you just see it as a 'coincidence', so you don't think to make a note of it, until it becomes a problem, and then of course it can take a while to build up enough evidence of what's going on, to show the police if you feel it's necessary. In this case though, you are forewarned that she could become a problem, so keeping a record might be enough to either put your mind at rest, or prove what's been happening from the early stages. Of course, make a note of any time she knocks your door - whether or not you answer it, and any phone calls, texts, etc. Obviously keep any texts she sends. Hope this helps, although it might just be a case of the person who's said she's a stalker, is exaggerating, in which case you'll soon be able to throw your notes away.

Sparklesandbananas · 14/07/2025 00:28

We may have the same neighbour? My neighbour is unhinged. Smashes through boundaries like bull in a china shop and has no social cues. The last time I spoke to her she was was told the police would be involved if she didn’t leave me alone. I was gentle about it and it did nothing. I noticed something was wrong from the first interaction and kept her at arms length but that didn’t stop trying. She’s quite terrifying tbh. We were never friends but she thinks we were and can’t understand why. Things have got quite nasty on her end. Bluntly tell her and leave her to have her tantrum. She’s currently best friends with another neighbour who quite obviously doesn’t appreciate this women’s attention.

EdgarAllenRaven · 14/07/2025 00:31

ggratis · 14/07/2025 00:03

I didn’t know you could restrict without completely unfriending so I’ll do this, thank you. My Facebook is already quite locked down and I have a cull every few months

Show quote history

She definitely sounds unhinged and is stalking you.
She is tracking your movements and this is not OK. She may have bipolar disorder or similar as she is quite manically contacting you repeatedly (and other people).
I would be quite firm. “Please can you stop messaging me and please talk to your doctor about your mental health, all of us are concerned that your behaviour isn’t very rational and too obsessive.”

Don’t worry about upsetting her, she needs a wellness check.

Original poster
ggratis · 14/07/2025 00:33

Givenupshopping · 14/07/2025 00:22

I think at this stage OP, I would just jot it down in a notebook or something, every time you see her, where, what time, whether she speaks to you or not, and if she does, a summary of what is said. This way you will see how often you see her, whether she's always cropping up in places you go regularly, etc. If she appears to be following you at any point, again, write down where you were, how long she followed you for, date and time. Patterns might start to form, which you might need to use if she becomes a real problem, and if she doesn't, then you can always get rid of your notes at a later date. Trouble is, all too often stalking doesn't register immediately, you just see it as a 'coincidence', so you don't think to make a note of it, until it becomes a problem, and then of course it can take a while to build up enough evidence of what's going on, to show the police if you feel it's necessary. In this case though, you are forewarned that she could become a problem, so keeping a record might be enough to either put your mind at rest, or prove what's been happening from the early stages. Of course, make a note of any time she knocks your door - whether or not you answer it, and any phone calls, texts, etc. Obviously keep any texts she sends. Hope this helps, although it might just be a case of the person who's said she's a stalker, is exaggerating, in which case you'll soon be able to throw your notes away.

Show quote history

This is really helpful, thank you. I’ve kept all texts so it’ll be a case of writing down when I see her and any in person interactions.
I really do hope the friend is exaggerating, she apparently caught her taking photos of the inside of her house too which is odd.

OP posts:
Gabitule · 14/07/2025 00:36

If you find it uncomfortable to be direct and tell her that you don’t want her friendship, you can take the following steps to reduce contact - this is from my own experience:

  • after ignoring several messages, send a message to say ‘sorry for my late reply, I have been so busy etc etc’. If any of her messages suggest meeting up, ignore the invitation. Respond to all messages (the 20% you respond to) with a delay.
  • when you can no longer ignore her invitations to meet, say something like ‘things are a bit busy now but I should be more free after x [event 2-3 months from now]
  • if you still can’t shake her find an excuse to have an argument about something - it can be a random text or comment. After the argument, if she comes back and apologises or asks to meet, you respond with ‘the argument has left me a bit bruised so I think we’d both find it uncomfortable if we were to meet now, let’s give it some time… I’ll be in touch’
  • if after some time she still resurfaces, you can again delay meeting up…

These are the steps I took with my own neighbour and she is finally gone. And all this because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her that she wasn’t my kind of person and I didn’t want her as my friend. Not a perfect outcome as I’m still nervous about bumping into her in my local supermarket

uncomfortablydumb60 · 14/07/2025 00:37

sounds like she fancies you.. yes I’m serious
shes idolising you. How unnerving for you when you want to relax and enjoy your new baby
i would ask your DP to have a polite word with her, as in go and knock on her door
its Not that I think “ send the man” it’s because you shouldn’t have to deal with this obsessive behaviour and
Don’t feel you need to be polite
” Grey rock” will really help( look it up)

DurinsBane · 14/07/2025 00:42

Hopefully she isn’t a stalker as friend of a friend has suggested!

uncomfortablydumb60 · 14/07/2025 00:49

Fuck me, sorry I somehow missed your update!!!!
start a log of her behaviour even if it causes you anxiety. Or you feel the need to take another route home
This is exactly why she’s honed in on you
she’s pissed everyone else off.

Original poster
ggratis · 14/07/2025 00:50

uncomfortablydumb60 · 14/07/2025 00:37

sounds like she fancies you.. yes I’m serious
shes idolising you. How unnerving for you when you want to relax and enjoy your new baby
i would ask your DP to have a polite word with her, as in go and knock on her door
its Not that I think “ send the man” it’s because you shouldn’t have to deal with this obsessive behaviour and
Don’t feel you need to be polite
” Grey rock” will really help( look it up)

I think I’ll have to send DP round to have a word, I’m just a little worried about her clinging on more or worse becoming unhinged. I spend a lot of time at home with the baby as DP works evenings/nights.

I don’t like the idea of ring doorbells but I might get one to put my mind at ease a bit.

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 14/07/2025 01:23

I've read all your updates but it still sounds like you need to first have a direct word with her. She's not picking up on your approach so far (or is ignoring it) so as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to assert your boundaries. Start keeping a log by all means but you should be able to evidence you've actually communicated with her that her level of contact is unwelcome before potentially formalising anything.

In the mid-long term, could you move? I know it's expensive and you shouldn't have to, but even if she backs off with communication you know she'll still be watching you. That'd creep me out.

dontcryformeargentina · 14/07/2025 01:46

She thinks you are a pushover… Baby Reindeer vibes… Don’t feel guilty for defending your boundaries. Don’t be too nice. Some cultures equate niceness to stupidity. Believe me I’ve been in your shoes before and deeply regret not asserting my boundaries sooner.

dontcryformeargentina · 14/07/2025 01:48

I don’t think she fancies you. She knows you feel uncomfortable. She is an energy vampire and you are her supply. Put a stop on that

uncomfortablydumb60 · 14/07/2025 02:25

I think a ring doorbell would actually help you feel less anxious
i really feel for you, alone in the small hours with a small baby
if if I lived nearby I’d happily be your “ safety net” when DP is on nights
id just ask DP to say you’re exhausted with the baby and need peace and space and to please leave you be”
Then if she continues you can ask Police to have a word
on a different matter but the police were very kind last week when a courier stole my phone( in my home) and advised me to get a ring doorbell

Discoprincess6 · 14/07/2025 06:55

I’ve got shutters on my windows and you can tilt them to get privacy but still get the light.

good luck

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