To be a parent without a smartphone?

[AccidentalLuddite]

[This thread isn’t about children having smartphones. As DC get older I will need to understand more about that, but I’m not there yet!]

I don’t have a smartphone, never have. It’s just never something I’ve needed or wanted enough to be worth the expense.

DP doesn’t either. We have basic mobile phones for calls and texts, and a house admin computer on the kitchen table for everything else. This works for us.
But we worked out how to do the essentials of life before smartphones existed. Our DC are primary age and we recognise life is very different for young people now.

I wonder if we’ve unintentionally become the equivalent of the family without a TV in the 80’s?

I don’t want my kids to miss out on anything worthwhile. Its only come up a handful of times so far when I’ve not been able to join things like whatsapp groups. But we’ve not missed out on anything from not being on those and I’m glad not to be part of the drama they can attract.

What might DC miss out on if their parents don’t have smartphones? Could us not having them limit their opportunities? Anyone else in a similar position?

You could just use some self control...

Also the argument has come up that you need to use one to be able to learn how to use tech etc. I'm not sure I buy this one, but perhaps its easy to get mixed up between consumer tech and computer science? I find consumer tech is generally easy to use and pick up. If my kids show an interest in computer science fields, I’ll be encouraging them to get solid basics in maths, physics, coding languages etc. That’s totally different to however they may use consumer tech to communicate with friends, gaming etc, and I’m not sure there would be much crossover?

I'm just being realistic - I've got no reason to believe I'll be any different to anyone else I know! I think it takes much more self control than most people have to be able to ignore them. Its a lovely idea but I don't see anyone managing to have the self control to do it?

There’s nothing to stop you from controlling your own use of a smart phone.

Your most recent posts suggest that you haven’t really taken anything from the experience and wisdom of posters who’ve posted. That you’d already decided you were right and 150
replies in - yup, you’re still right.

Ok but I have been low screen with dc. As a result my dd failed a maths test at school because she couldn't work out how to use a touch screen app and bring up the keyboard. It's a small example and she learnt quickly when we showed her but it's made us realise we need to budge a bit on it.

There is also a cultural element that seeps in. My parents wouldn't let me watch certain films for example. As a result I was shut out of huge numbers of conversations at school. The same applies now for not knowing the latest trend, stupid dance, joke, meme etc. I now have a weekly catch up with dc where we show them things they've heard about so they don't feel left out. (Now I know what skibbidi toilet is all about at least)

If you as a parent can't use a phone properly then you will find that your dc suffer.

You're right. They're designed to erode self control. My husband was clearly addicted in 2018 when I got one. Now I am and also our daughter. I even got an Android thinking it wouldn't be as good! Wrong.

@Optimustime this is such an individual thing though! As a kid we never had Sky or freeview or anything like that, just the standard terrestrial tv. I remember being behind in stuff, or not knowing what people were talking about, but I don't remember being particularly bothered. Think I could see that some people had, some people did not have, I was somewhere in the middle on this topic and that was fine. It's the same with clothes, hair, holidays, sports, having married parents, a whole host of stuff...sometimes you're in the group that does, sometimes you're not, sometimes you're in between. Not understanding references happens throughout life. There will be an in joke here, or a shared experience there, and for the most part I can hear those stories and enjoy them without pangs of jealousy or feeling like I'm being left out. My housemates at uni quoted a movie for about 3 years and I've still never watched it, even though I now know all the quotes 😂 Perhaps that started because from a young age I didn't have all the things that others had, or perhaps it's just how I am. Hard to tell!! Don't think we should all be flocking to keep up with the crowd lest there be a number of missed experiences. Sounds blooming exhausting!

If it was genuinely affecting their education, and you worked together to overcome then that's a different matter, and feels absolutely something to be aware of. But the rest of it is still a choice, and how they react to that choice will fully depend on them as people!

The more I dwell on this (not much thankfully!) the more unsettling I find it tbh. I've been trying to put my finger on it, and I think it's the selfishness that gets me.

I know you don't see it as that, and at first glance that might seem OTT, but on reflection I don't think it is.

It means putting those around you through more effort, whether that's by printing out hard copies for you, phoning about sick kids rather then a notification, requiring separate messages re parties etc.

It means more inconveniencing strangers if you are lost, or need to know when the next train arrives.

It inconveniences your children -it limits whether you can go, the flexibility you have, where you can park even. It reduces their opportunities for social interaction. It'll mean then turning up to cancelled events because you can't keep up with the pace.

It means you can't catch a taxi/Uber when the bus is cancelled.

If you go on holiday and it turns out to be a complete hovel, you can't go and expand you and find the nearest reasonably priced alternative.

Your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, how do you even know where you are? I mean you might have in car sat nav, but if your car's broken down, that might not be working.

All these inconveniences are fine for you because you've chosen to live with them. I feel its selfish to expect your children to.

You don't need to become a screen addict, the fact you've lived all these years without a smartphone means you've got that self-control to begin with. You don't need to have it on you all times, but having access when you need it. It's just a part of modern life, wish you are unilaterally opting your kids out of as well.

I don't know if you've ever watched race around the world. I think it's pretty naf, but most of their difficulties come from not having a smartphone!

I think quite a few of those are solvable with laptop, taxi rank, road atlas?

We had to solve those problems before the 2010s!

It’s not so much about how to use the technology (smartphones are fairly intuitive), but understanding the technology so you can understand and control what your children are doing when they get smartphones. The other point that people have made is that you (the parent) will need a smartphone in order to control their smartphone use, which is what a responsible parent would do.

You mention that you don’t need a smartphone as you can do everything needed on your laptop, which is true even if it’s slightly less convenient, but it’s worth thinking about the future when this could be less possible.

There’s also the issue of societal expectations, especially in terms of school/ activity groups eg: school expecting parents to see an email instantly, groups such as Brownies/ sports clubs expecting parents to join the WhatsApp group (an official group with the organisers/ leaders, not a group set up by parents) - this is what people mean when they say your children could miss out.

Finally, as a previous poster commented, you’re coming across as though not having a smartphone is part of your identify (and as though that makes you superior). Maybe just think about whether your reasons are linked to this. And I know that I can do this when I talk about not having a smart tv or an Alexa (but we do have bookshelves full of books and prints with Shakespeare quotes on the wall) - I’m projecting an image just like everyone else, and I can be a bit too attached to that.

I'm surprised that you don't need one while they're in primary school.

Ach, perhaps a bit unfair @Ddakji? I see it that we are all just working out what’s right for our circumstances and what suits us. My current reckoning based on mine and all the insight from here that if I did get one it would slightly reduce the quality of my life, and I don’t think I actively need one yet. There’s considerations for the family but I right now I think these can be worked round and if they become bigger issues we think again.

I get that my way isn’t most peoples choice and I don’t mind that, and I’ve no interest in judging what anyone else chooses to do!

I dislike how addictive smartphones are, and have got screen limits on my own phone. So I do think it's a reasonable concern.

But reading your updates @AccidentalLuddite makes me realise how much more organised I'd have to be if I didn't use my phone for everything. I don't use or have a laptop at work so although it would be better for less screen time, it would mean I couldn't see or respond to emails or whatsapps at all between leaving the house and getting home in the evening.

Using the banking app on my phone is much quicker than using the laptop. Some things are time dependent - eg concert tickets going on sale, if I'm on my way to work, then the only chance of getting them is doing it on my commute. Even parents evening slots, sometimes they are released at x pm. If that's while I'm at work, sometimes by the time I get home there would be no appointments left with some teachers (I've found this the hard way when I haven't remembered what time they open!)

Having teenage children with their own phones, sharing locations on googlemaps, or WhatsApp is really helpful sometimes.

I definitely use my phone too much, and it's annoying that often you can't do things without an app, but in my ideal world I would limit my screen time much further but keep the phone to do the tasks that are simply quicker and easier to do on a phone.

See I have absolutely no issues with smartphones BUT I do have an issue with going to a restaurant and ordering by QR code. I eat out for the whole experience. I do t want to be going through online menus on my phone.

and all the insight from here that if I did get one it would slightly reduce the quality of my life,

In what way? It sounds like you woud only use it when necessary anyway.

From what I know about myself from having a work blackberry 15 years ago, I think I would get addicted to it. Very likely I would spend less time doing things that bring me pleasure, like reading a book when I have a little time to kill. Also I'd likely be less present when with the kids, family and friends.

Thought it was only invented 16 years ago? My friend's daughter is in college and we texted when she was born, they didn't use WhatsApp at all for her primary, and no payments online or anything. I know because she used cheques for school meals etc and kept talking about it.
Think it might be quite nice not to have all those groups, OP, yes you can mute them but getting a dozen pings a minute about whether they need their swimming gear tomorrow isn't fun. Not to mention the parents who had the police turn up due to messaging-in the pre smartphone/social media days, that wouldn't have happened.
Many schools, including ours, does use apps, but lots of parents are cared for by grandparents and many of them don't engage (NOT being ageist, I know many older people far more tech savvy and on socials much more than me!)

Why don't you get one and super glue it to something in your home. That way, you can still use the apps for convenience, still accessible for things like WhatsApp, but it's not as 'mobile'.

I'm going to the RHS flower show this weekend. I have had to download an app on to my phone for my tickets.

However, there is an option for those without smartphones, but it is a PITA.

"Guests who do not have a smartphone can collect a ticket from the Box Office. You will need your order confirmation and a form of ID to collect tickets."

It would be a PITA when you're used to using a phone and apps....but tbf OP will be used to printing out confirmation or preparing things at home in advance.....just like everyone had to 10-15 years ago. I remember going to France in 2013 iirc and I printed out all sorts of ferry tickets, car insurance, booking details for the campsite etc and having in a folder with our passports. At the time that was just what was required. Now I would think that was a pain because I'd want to just show apps or email attachments on my phone....but if OP isn't being asked to do something different, they probably would not find it onerous...?

I was thinking about the queues. I still print hard copies of travel documents when we go abroad, as a belt and braces back up.

Some hilarious replies on here.

Oh OP how will your DC cope with the technology of a smart phone if they haven't been raised with one constantly in your/their hand. I mean come on people, it's really not hard to learn how to use a smart phone, you can literally Google anything you need to know on your computer.

DS is a software engineer and had never had the slightest interest in mobile phones, perhaps because his parents use them so little (DH has a phone supplied by work, I don't have one). DS is definitely up to downloading an app onto a phone though as it's really not brain surgery. There is zero need for a child to go on a phone or tablet 'too keep up with technology' at any point in primary school as they are literally designed to be intuitive and easy to use. DS was writing complicated computer programs with AI as a teen despite barely using a mobile phone. There's knowing about technology and there's knowing about technology in a way that is actually useful to getting a job.

I've never been on a parenting whatsapp group thank god and almost any app you can get a version of on a laptop. You can also of course print off QR codes if you need to. You will find though that people get very angry and defensive of their phone use and will imply there is something wrong with you for not being completely reliant on one and how it is impossible to live without one and that you are missing out dreadfully on life. In reality it's mostly FOMO and scrolling nonsense on social media.

Phones can be useful but if you don't feel a need to get a phone OP then don't get one. If your DS needs one at secondary for example because he gets the bus then that decision can be made then. Teach him how to use a laptop, to type and to program, that will be a million times more useful than giving him a phone and tablet in 'keeping up with technology'.