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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU that I didn't want to drive 80 miles, and 2 hours to see my girlfriend for an hour before she left for a 3 week road trip?

109 replies

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:27

Hey all, first post here. My girlfriend was leaving for vacation for three weeks. We were supposed to spend a couple days together before she left. Instead she decided to leave Thursday morning instead of Saturday so we never got those extra days together. I understood and was fine with that.

I play basketball from 6-8 every Wednesday which she knows about and she wanted me to come up after anyways. For reference she lives 40 miles away and it takes me an hour to get there. I explained to her that might be a little rough for me to drive one hour up there, spend an hour and drive an hour to get back home as I had to work the next day.

Since she was going on a road trip and was supposed to be leaving at 3 AM. Yes, I could have slept over and worked from her place. I didn't sleep over because I didn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night because when I do I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I suggested that she leaves at 8 AM that way I could stay over and she was not on board with that (the kicker is that she actually left at 11:00 the next morning because she overslept)

There was a little bit of going back-and-forth with text and it was generally "You could have skipped basketball, and my response was "You could have left at 8 AM, or you could have left a day later, or kept the original plan and left Saturday. and she’s like “ I’m not talking about this during my vacation and we will talk when I get home”

Since then, we haven’t texted in a couple days because I took her message as “leave me alone until I get back.”

TL:DR WIBU for not canceling my plans or not wanting to driving two hours to spend an hour with my girlfriend before she left for a 3 week road trip?

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/07/2025 18:32

YWNBU, I wouldn't have done it either.

YABU to not be in touch since. Time to drop her a message (Hi, have you arrived OK, how are you getting on?).

And my general advice is don't have disagreements by message. It brings out the worst in people, 'tone' is lost, positions are entrenched. If you can't do it face to face, at least do it by phone call.

CarlaLemarchant · 06/07/2025 18:33

If it was so important to see you she should have kept to the original plan. You haven’t done anything wrong.

CastleCrasher · 06/07/2025 18:35

I assume this vacation involved her driving or similar, no flights etc, hence the flexibility she had with leaving times? Is so, she's being unreasonable and seems to want you to do all the running without being willing to make any form of compromise in return.
That said, neither of you seem particularly keen! It's an hours drive after playing sport, not a 6 hour schlep after a 12 hour manual labour shift (which I'd willingly do to see dh, and he would for me too)
Are you sure the two of you are really interested in a relationship?

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/07/2025 18:37

You’re just not that into her are you? Mind you, she sounds the same.

Original poster
ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:38

We were texting a bit on Thursday and my last text, which was Friday morning explained my point of view why I did not come up and why I didn't want to sleep over and like I said her response was "I am not doing this on vacation and we will talk when I get back."

Which I took at "Do not contact me again until I get home in 3 weeks." so I am respecting her wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:39

Just a road trip no flights

OP posts:
BearyNiceEars · 06/07/2025 18:44

I agree with you, however I would advise you to drop a message saying something like “Ok, let’s chat when you are back, I hope you got there safe and have a brilliant holiday”.

I wouldn’t have interpreted her last message as “don’t contact me for three weeks”, more like you will talk about this specific issue in three weeks. Drop her a message to acknowledge what she has said, wish her a great holiday and talk it through when she is home. I wouldn’t let this fester, if I was on the other end of this, it would overshadow my holiday, and it probably isn’t a great feeling on your side either.

Lins77 · 06/07/2025 18:45

I don't think an hour's drive to see her before she leaves is unreasonable, especially when she wanted you to. Agree with others it sounds like you're not really into her that much.

This may be a radical idea but you could even have skipped basketball and gone a bit earlier to have longer....

tarheelbaby · 06/07/2025 18:45

If you care and you're missing/thinking of her, pop out a text.
You are both happily young. Keep texting when it strikes you. When she's back in the UK, if she's feeling it, she'll keep contacting you. In a good way, you are both young so keep it going if you want to but remember that you are both learning and changing so much.

Original poster
ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:47

BearyNiceEars · 06/07/2025 18:44

I agree with you, however I would advise you to drop a message saying something like “Ok, let’s chat when you are back, I hope you got there safe and have a brilliant holiday”.

I wouldn’t have interpreted her last message as “don’t contact me for three weeks”, more like you will talk about this specific issue in three weeks. Drop her a message to acknowledge what she has said, wish her a great holiday and talk it through when she is home. I wouldn’t let this fester, if I was on the other end of this, it would overshadow my holiday, and it probably isn’t a great feeling on your side either.

Honestly that text we 2 days ago and I feel like it is too late for that text saying let's text when you get back have a good trip.

I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the fist to text.

OP posts:
GirlBottle · 06/07/2025 18:51

I would drive an hour for 5 minutes with my boyfriend, especially if I wasn't going to see him for 3 weeks. How long have you been together?

Divebar2021 · 06/07/2025 18:58

You could have skipped basketball and she could have left a bit later. The fact you haven’t replied to her text isn’t you respecting her wishes it’s you making a point and using “ respecting her wishes” as the cover. If you intend to not message each other for the entire 3 weeks you’re going to ruin her trip and probably signifies the end of the relationship.

MarshmallowsOnToast · 06/07/2025 19:00

My boyfriend lives 45 miles (1.25hrs) drive from me.

I absolutely would (and have) driven the 2.5hr round trip, often getting back at midnight to go for a coffee with him. He's done the same for me.

That's without adding a 3 week trip away.

So yes I would be hurt if you chose not to come & see me if I was going away as it didn't perfect suit you.

Givenupshopping · 06/07/2025 19:01

If you're going to play silly games OP, ie, 'I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the first to text', then just end the relationship, as it obviously doesn't mean that much to you. However, I don't think you were that unreasonable not to go, if the baseball is something that you need to attend every time, so as not to lose your place on the team, but if it would have made no difference, then I think you should have gone.

Oh, and just to give you an idea of what a committed relationship looks like, I've been with my DH for 33 years, and I would still drive an hour just to spend 5 minutes with him, and he'd do the same!

MyWarmOchreHare · 06/07/2025 19:02

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/07/2025 18:37

You’re just not that into her are you? Mind you, she sounds the same.

Eh? He's ‘not that into her’ because he doesn’t want to do a an 80 minute round journey to see her for 60 minutes? Who would even ask their partner to do that?

TheAutumnCrow · 06/07/2025 19:02

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:47

Honestly that text we 2 days ago and I feel like it is too late for that text saying let's text when you get back have a good trip.

I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the fist to text.

Show quote history

So tweak that very good suggestion from @BearyNiceEars.

‘Hey, I’ve obviously been thinking about your message, and yeah of course let’s talk when you’re back. Have a great vacation.’

Something like that.

Original poster
ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:03

GirlBottle · 06/07/2025 18:51

I would drive an hour for 5 minutes with my boyfriend, especially if I wasn't going to see him for 3 weeks. How long have you been together?

We have been together for about 4 months

OP posts:
MyWarmOchreHare · 06/07/2025 19:04

Lins77 · 06/07/2025 18:45

I don't think an hour's drive to see her before she leaves is unreasonable, especially when she wanted you to. Agree with others it sounds like you're not really into her that much.

This may be a radical idea but you could even have skipped basketball and gone a bit earlier to have longer....

Why should s/he have? The girlfriend could’ve left later.

MyWarmOchreHare · 06/07/2025 19:07

GirlBottle · 06/07/2025 18:51

I would drive an hour for 5 minutes with my boyfriend, especially if I wasn't going to see him for 3 weeks. How long have you been together?

For five minutes? Why?

Original poster
ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:07

MyWarmOchreHare · 06/07/2025 19:04

Why should s/he have? The girlfriend could’ve left later.

Show quote history

That is exactly what I suggested. I said instead of leaving at 3 or 4 AM, leave at 8 AM that way I can stay over, not get woken up and start work at 8. She said it was too late to leave.

OP posts:
Fraggeek · 06/07/2025 19:08

YANBU to not want to do the drive.

YABU that you took "I don't want to do this whilst on vacation" and saw that as "don't speak to me at all".

She literally meant I do not want to talk about this subject. We can talk about anything else but we can talk about what happened when I'm back. I don't want this argument spoiling my time away.

Shellyash · 06/07/2025 19:09

Things can change so fast in life, loved ones must come first and foremost. Diogo is fresh in our minds, never got chance to say goodbye and now it's too late. It isn't too late for you to send her a message saying you love her and take care. Tomorrow it may be too late and you'll just have regrets.
Put her first and you last. Don't be selfish, don't be pig headed life's too short. Nothing wrong ever being the first one to back down.

MyWarmOchreHare · 06/07/2025 19:11

Givenupshopping · 06/07/2025 19:01

If you're going to play silly games OP, ie, 'I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the first to text', then just end the relationship, as it obviously doesn't mean that much to you. However, I don't think you were that unreasonable not to go, if the baseball is something that you need to attend every time, so as not to lose your place on the team, but if it would have made no difference, then I think you should have gone.

Oh, and just to give you an idea of what a committed relationship looks like, I've been with my DH for 33 years, and I would still drive an hour just to spend 5 minutes with him, and he'd do the same!

Is your DH was an hour away for a meeting, and he rang to ask you to drive a two hour round trip to have a quick coffee with him to stop him getting bored, you’d do so?

nomas · 06/07/2025 19:13

Lins77 · 06/07/2025 18:45

I don't think an hour's drive to see her before she leaves is unreasonable, especially when she wanted you to. Agree with others it sounds like you're not really into her that much.

This may be a radical idea but you could even have skipped basketball and gone a bit earlier to have longer....

This is ridiculous. Why do you have such unrealistic expectations of men?

nomas · 06/07/2025 19:15

Givenupshopping · 06/07/2025 19:01

If you're going to play silly games OP, ie, 'I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the first to text', then just end the relationship, as it obviously doesn't mean that much to you. However, I don't think you were that unreasonable not to go, if the baseball is something that you need to attend every time, so as not to lose your place on the team, but if it would have made no difference, then I think you should have gone.

Oh, and just to give you an idea of what a committed relationship looks like, I've been with my DH for 33 years, and I would still drive an hour just to spend 5 minutes with him, and he'd do the same!

I've been with my DH for 33 years, and I would still drive an hour just to spend 5 minutes with him,

Don’t be ridiculous, no you wouldn’t.

When is the last time you did this?