WIBU that I didn't want to drive 80 miles, and 2 hours to see my girlfriend for an hour before she left for a 3 week road trip?

[ByPoisedCat]

Hey all, first post here. My girlfriend was leaving for vacation for three weeks. We were supposed to spend a couple days together before she left. Instead she decided to leave Thursday morning instead of Saturday so we never got those extra days together. I understood and was fine with that.

I play basketball from 6-8 every Wednesday which she knows about and she wanted me to come up after anyways. For reference she lives 40 miles away and it takes me an hour to get there. I explained to her that might be a little rough for me to drive one hour up there, spend an hour and drive an hour to get back home as I had to work the next day.

Since she was going on a road trip and was supposed to be leaving at 3 AM. Yes, I could have slept over and worked from her place. I didn't sleep over because I didn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night because when I do I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I suggested that she leaves at 8 AM that way I could stay over and she was not on board with that (the kicker is that she actually left at 11:00 the next morning because she overslept)

There was a little bit of going back-and-forth with text and it was generally "You could have skipped basketball, and my response was "You could have left at 8 AM, or you could have left a day later, or kept the original plan and left Saturday. and she’s like “ I’m not talking about this during my vacation and we will talk when I get home”

Since then, we haven’t texted in a couple days because I took her message as “leave me alone until I get back.”

TL:DR WIBU for not canceling my plans or not wanting to driving two hours to spend an hour with my girlfriend before she left for a 3 week road trip?

She has to pack and get ready for the trip.

You are punishing her.

Are you both young? You are 4 months in and bickering.

We have to drive an hour for most things where I live.

If we are going down that route the OP is also being punished by the GF.
The OP did at least try and compromise.

The effort was all on your side. You had to cancel basketball, or make the drive after, come back again or get woken up in the night and be inconvenienced for work the next day. She had to do absolutely nothing to put herself out and yet she was the one causing the problem in the first place by changing plans. Which she didn’t stick to anyway by the sound of it. All on her, totally unreasonable.

I don't even know if the OP is male or female 😄

I'd do the drive, personally.

Why couldn’t you have just Face Timed to chat instead?

That’s nice you sent her a voice message. Btw i voted yanbu as on the surface of course it’s not unreasonable to not want to drive 40 miles and back in one evening after work, however you have to take your specific context into account and I’m assuming she feels hurt.

For the future it would be a good idea to get comfortable with phoning each other regularly and having proper conversations rather than relying on text messaging and voice notes. Better communication and potentially more flexibility is likely needed from both of you.

It’s really tough in a new relationship as you’re trying to figure out whether you trust each other, ‘does he/she really love me / are we right for each other’, how you each behave, how to deal with conflict, what your respective needs and expectations are. It’s scary to be vulnerable and admit your real feelings but you won’t get anywhere unless you can both do this.

This hits the mark for me.

It seems this relationship is going nowhere. I think you should find a new girlfriend. Neither of you is interested in doing for the other. If you were both ‘into each other’ there would be an easy solution. Instead, she said no to leaving later and subsequently left much later. You didn’t want the inconvenience of going back and forth. If there was something ‘there’ between you, one or both of you would have made it happen. Say goodbye. It’s going nowhere

She sounds like a drama llama. She changed the plans not you, there was no need for her to leave at 3am and as it transpires she didn't! I think the compromise of you driving up and her setting off at 8 was reasonable.
Throw this one back OP it shouldn't be this much hassle.

On the basis of what you said yanbu re the journey. I lived a similar distance from a BF once and he NEVER came over in the week in two years, because "it was too far". It did make me feel he wasn't that in to me tbh, but I'm assuming that's not the case here and it's a one off.

But definitely text asking about her holiday if you want to stay together. If we'd had that conversation and you didn't message for three weeks I'd assume we were broken up.

She sounds like conceited, selfish princess to be honest

It sounds like a relationship that’s run its course. When you’re more concerned about not being the first to blink, you’re with the wrong person.

At 4 months, dh drove a 2 hour round trip after a 16 hour flight to kiss me, before I left for work.

Go find the person that you want to drive out of your way for, feel lonely without, and don’t want to sleep without hearing her voice. And set her free to find the same.

YANBU, but to be honest, I don’t think either of you are that into each other. At 4 months it’s should be all hearts and flowers.

It shouldn't be this weird power play.

Particularly after 4 months. Either communicate properly, or acceot the relationship works as a drama, not as a connection. "I felt you weren't prepared to compromise to make it possible for us to see each other before you left. I like you but don't want to be your whipping boy"

To be fair, this would be hell to some people. If my partner drove for two hours to kiss me I’d thoroughly have the ick.

It’s great you’ve found what you want, but not everyone would like that degree of neediness and intensity.

In our relationship of 30 plus years we would definitely do journeys of this length and more to be together a night before a 3 week separation. It's the pettiness and power struggling that is coming across in your posts that indicate it's not a full on comittment to each other. In most relationships partners don't think who will be more put out or who text last or what that might indicate. Not going because you will be woken up, well 4 months into a relationship the night before a 3 week separation isn't really for an unbroken night of sleep, is it.

I agree. She isn't the one.

I think she was probably just really stressing if she still needed to pack, and now its all out of proportion.

Are you 15?I drive 2 hours min to see my mum and I’m not even shagging her. That’s what you do for someone you love, not text them. Twat.

Get a grip and let’s hope she dumps you, having met someone interested in her.

hapoy to help

Oh I notice there are a lot of male posters here! Have fun boys, I’m off to have supper with my lovely boyfriend so fill your boots x

@ByPoisedCat YANBU about not going to see her before she left. You didn't change any arrangements - she did, and then wouldn't contemplate any compromises so you could see her before she went (and her not finally leaving until 11am was just rubbing salt into the wound!). However, YABU not to text her at all. It's clear her message was telling you she doesn't want to discuss your disagreement via text whilst she's on holiday, not that she doesn't want to hear from you at all, and I think you "digging in" to not be the first to text is rather childish. How would you feel if something happened to her whilst she's on holiday and the last thing she heard from you was careless silence? I think you should just send her a casual text asking where she's reached on the road trip and if she's enjoying it, and tell her what you've been doing for the last couple of days. Nice and casual, no big deal. If she doesn't reply then don't text her again (but I think she will).

Do you do that to see her for a single hour?

YANBU to not go over there.

YANBU to have interpreted her last message the way you did, although personally I would be tempted to claim the moral high ground by just texting a cheery "OK then, have a good time and I'll talk to you when you get back."

YABVVU to be open about the fact that you play basketball rather than "doing your hobby" so that other posters can moan about the faux mysteriousness of it all.

YANBU OP but your girlfriend is. She made out she was leaving at 3am, having already changed her travel date, but then didn't. You said you wouid have gone if she'd been leaving the next morning. If she was so keen to see you, why couldn't she have adjusted HER plans?

I wouldn't put up with someone that fickle.