WIBU that I didn't want to drive 80 miles, and 2 hours to see my girlfriend for an hour before she left for a 3 week road trip?

[ByPoisedCat]

Hey all, first post here. My girlfriend was leaving for vacation for three weeks. We were supposed to spend a couple days together before she left. Instead she decided to leave Thursday morning instead of Saturday so we never got those extra days together. I understood and was fine with that.

I play basketball from 6-8 every Wednesday which she knows about and she wanted me to come up after anyways. For reference she lives 40 miles away and it takes me an hour to get there. I explained to her that might be a little rough for me to drive one hour up there, spend an hour and drive an hour to get back home as I had to work the next day.

Since she was going on a road trip and was supposed to be leaving at 3 AM. Yes, I could have slept over and worked from her place. I didn't sleep over because I didn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night because when I do I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I suggested that she leaves at 8 AM that way I could stay over and she was not on board with that (the kicker is that she actually left at 11:00 the next morning because she overslept)

There was a little bit of going back-and-forth with text and it was generally "You could have skipped basketball, and my response was "You could have left at 8 AM, or you could have left a day later, or kept the original plan and left Saturday. and she’s like “ I’m not talking about this during my vacation and we will talk when I get home”

Since then, we haven’t texted in a couple days because I took her message as “leave me alone until I get back.”

TL:DR WIBU for not canceling my plans or not wanting to driving two hours to spend an hour with my girlfriend before she left for a 3 week road trip?

Fair enough. 😂

And now that I think about it, the fact that it didn’t give me the ick was the other half of that because I had shrugged off needy bfs in the past.

She sounds very immature. She changed her plans then refused to accept the consequences of her actions. Then says you can’t talk about it until she’s back in 3 week?
Fuck that shit. There’s nothing good about the way she treats you. The bare minimum for a good relationship is mutual respect and compromise. No relation can be happy and last without this. She’s shown neither when in a good place in her life (ie off on 3 week holiday). What about if/when life shit hits the fan for one or both of you? Doesn’t sound like she’s give a toss about any of your issues, let alone provide unconditional love and support.
Walk away now. Everyone deserves better then this.

I am always the one that drives there on the weekends (she does try and come up once a week to see me) so I am coming to her like 90% of the time.

Driving one way for an hour, staying for an hour, then having another hour drive back was too much for me. Also, it was in the middle of the work week and I have been slammed at work.

I tried to make a compromise with her, which she shot down yet I am the twat? When is some of this on her in your opinion?

@ByPoisedCat

All this for someone you've been seeing 4 months?? And I'd say the same to her if she posted that YWBU not to drive to hers and then things devolved from there as they have.

What I or any other poster would have done in your situation is completely irrelevant. It's what YOU wanted to do that matters.

I think both of you need to step back and see if the other is really right for you. She thought you should cater to what she wanted. You didn't want to do what you didn't want to do. Both of those things are fine, but they don't go very well together, do they?

So spend this time apart thinking abou how the past 4 months have been in its totality. Be honest and 'brutal' with yourself. It may be that at this point there's not enough info for you to make a decision to stay or end, but at the very least you'll have your thoughts lined up in the back of your head and hopefully be watching how things unfold in the future. And again, I'd be telling her the same thing. It's not about who is right or wrong, it's whether you're truly compatible or if one of you would have to bend too far to keep the other happy or is too inflexible to bend at all.

I genuinely can’t believe people are suggesting you should have done the drive. She changed plans last minute, she refused to compromise, she expected to snap her fingers and for you to come running. There no reason for her to leave that early , she’s making all these decisions on a whim and expects you to just fall in line. Is she always this demanding?

No you wouldnt. And I wouldnt either.

The more important question is how old OP and his GF is, because it seems they only just turned 18.

Interesting you think he is struggling for power, and not the GF.
Why could she not have altered her plans to accomodate someone having an alright night of sleep rather than drive, be woken up in the middle of the night and then have a rubbish day being tired.
I thin the dunamics is that we have a lil princess here who expects to be served and driven to, but makes little effort herself, at least OP knows now.

Yanbu.
You offered a reasonable compromise and she didn't want it.
I wouldn't let it lie for the whole time though and send her a message just saying you hope she's having a great time and being safe.
Texts are the worst way to communicate proper conversations imo as cant hear tone so I think had you rang and chatted on the phone it might have been different.

So she changes the plans, won’t accommodate his reasonable requests about leaving in the middle of the night but he is the one who has to rearrange his prearranged sports to accommodate her?

I feel sorry for my three sons and hope my daughter doesn’t grow up to be this entitled.

Guys get a very hard hand sometimes

Just be mindful that if you don't make a small compromise like skipping a session or a sleepless night to see her before the trip.....its far less likely to result in her giving you good will in future when the tables were turned and you have a request that seems perfectly reasonable to you.

I wouldn't - I would remember how it was fine when it didn't suit them, and now it does I am supposed to compromise?

That wouldn't sit well with me.

Relationships involve a little bit of goodwill at times.

you could still message her

4 months into the relationship I would expect you both to be very keen to see each other. Do I sense neither of you are really that committed?

Assuming you are American ("a couple days"), driving 80 miles is nothing. Just admit you don't like her and move on. You sound about 12.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's engineered a fight to justify cheating in her own mind while away.

When I was at university my boyfriend ( now dh) drove over two hours to my university town to see me for an hour and drove back the same night .
You are just not into this lady

Yeah, he’s not the twat here, love 😘

I can't see how you reached that conclusion from her message.
You aren't keen on her, are you?

She also doesn't appear too keen.

It sounds like a lot of effort to make for someone who doesn’t appreciate it and demands more.

I would dump her.

But she was not willing to make a small compromise and leave later in the morning. Compromise is a two way thing, not one person getting everything their way.

It’s an hour each way. I drive that to work!

• like I said her response was "I am not doing this on vacation and we will talk when I get back." Which I took at "Do not contact me again until I get home in 3 weeks." so I am respecting her wishes*

Well that's terribly immature. I'm glad you've since messaged her, the fact that she's not responded fully doesn't mean you were wrong to do so.

Keep the tit for tat out of future communications, whether by message or face to face, all it does is wind each other up.

To be honest, this kind of message is what makes people like the OPs girlfriend make completely unrealistic demands. It’s like a romantic movie scene - it’s not, for most people (I’m not suggesting you’re making it up), real life. Some people end up in abusive relationships because they get love-bombed like this but it’s actually a form of control; others marry/have kids with someone who is otherwise utterly incompatible because of the ‘swept of my feet’ romantic gestures (and often the romantic isn’t prepared to put the hard day-to-day effort in either - just wants the big ‘look-at-me’ moments).

Either way, OP, I agree that this relationship has likely run its course - you’re a pragmatic compromiser and she’s not going to meet you in the middle, so you’re just not compatible. The childish ignoring of texts/messages is the final bit of evidence.

If normal, friendly communications can't be resumed in the next few days then the relationship is dead in the water.

It would have been better if OP checked in sooner, but she was the one faffing around with her plans, asking OP to do something inconvenient and sulking when OP hasn't fallen into line.

This is not a healthy dynamic.

An hour to do 40 miles isn't wide open road cruising. There are places in America where traffic is bad.

I agree.

She also sounds a 'right little madam' to me.