Termination of pregnancies - too willing to terminate, maybe there are other choices?

[Ilovepastafortea]

I have trouble with the issue of terminating pregnancies.

For context I had 5 miscarriages & 1 baby born 'sleeping' at 29 weeks.

Also 2 of my (3) husbands were adopted-well DH's mother was adopted in the 1920's. The point is if abortion was available in 1963 & 1926 neither of them would have existed. Their childless mothers wouldn't have had babies to love & care for.

If my first husband had been aborted my lovely son wouldn't exist. He killed himself at the age of 32 leaving me with a baby. But at least I had my baby which was part of him.

If my DH's mother had been aborted my 3 lovely step children & 7 gorgeous grandchildren wouldn't be here. Both of my step sons served in the Royal Navy - one in special forces & got his Green (Marine) beret. My Step daughter is a nurse & worked in A&E for many years, is now a Matron. She has saved many lives & made a difference to many other people's lives including taking unpaid leave to be there when her grandmother was dying.

But then I understand why some people do it.

I can particularly understand it if the woman has been abused or raped - who would want to bring their abuser's or rapist's child into the world. I get that.

I just wish that they would think about having their unwanted baby adopted so that someone who can't have a baby can love & care for it.

My heart goes out to those with an unwanted pregnancy & facing this.

I don't know what I'd do to be honest.

I have no doubt that most women terminate a pregnancy after much heart searching & grief. However, I also hear about women who are terminating their 3rd or more pregnancies & using it as a method of birth control.

So brings me around to AIBU to ask if people terminate a pregnancy number 3 or 4 are being unreasonable?

Or not.

Just canvassing opinions.

I think the point here is that not everyone sees it as a foetus and some believe in life from conception.

I don’t really want to argue either way, but clearly there are those who have different views on when life is defined - conception, heartbeat, fully formed, viable outside womb and/or birth.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses.

There isn’t a big queue of people waiting to adopt these unwanted babies sadly. What happens to them then.

What does that mean? It's ok if the girl or woman is weeping and ashamed?

Agree with what bit? Women should be forced to carry to term and hand over a baby instead of terminating very early?

Are there any extenuating circumstances in your view?

Keeping a child to have it adopted just doesn’t really work. Women almost never give up their babies at birth if they can manage financially and we make sure they can just about eke through. So what actually happens is that women go through childbirth with all the risks and costs that entails then keep the baby and bring them up, often in poverty or close to it, in strained or non existent relationships with all the problems they envisioned when considering abortion. Those children, any existing children, the mother and maybe the father all take a hit to their lives.

Women aren’t incubators for people with fertility problems. It sucks to want something you can’t have and see others refusing what you want more than anything, but it’s not something you can expect of others.

If abortion hadn’t been available when I was 23, my current two children wouldn’t be alive.

If my mother had chosen abortion when she got pregnant her first time having sex at 19, then my brother and I wouldn’t be here. But some other kids might have and my mother and they would probably have had a much nicer time of childhood than I did.

Wow - science says survival of the fittest surely? We override science every day when we care for and value the weakest and most vulnerable in our society like the disabled. I think we are much more as a human race than just science.
We are sentimental, we love, as parents we sacrifice stuff everyday for our kids. We are so much more than biological cells!

My dd was a dancer when she had dgd and the pregnancymeant that she was unemployed for over a year. She couldn't even afford to have another child let alone a child to up in adoption

And none of that is an argument for forcing women go through pregnancy, give birth (with all the risks that entails) and then give the baby up for adoption.

Well if your husband had not been born…you wouldn’t know any different

we don’t know any of the people that were not born

your life would have been different, your children would have been different, and you might be saying the same thing you are now

Thousands of unwanted babies are not the answer

you can’t base your opinions on this

Well, there are at the moment — there are a lot of approved parents looking for children to match with. But I don’t know a single adopter who wouldn’t wish that their child hadn’t had to endure a loss in order to become their child.

I think you are massively overestimating how many potential adoptive parents there are. There are already many more children eligible for adoption than will be adopted.

It’s not anyone else’s business as to why a woman might decide to not go through pregnancy, childbirth and giving away a child.

I chose termination of pregnancy when I was pregnant by my abusive alcoholic ex. (Since died by suicide). I wasn't yet strong enough to leave him but I sure as hell wasn't going to bring a child into the world who had him as a dad.

I would have put myself at risk of further abuse by carrying a pregnancy in the situation I was in, and even if I had planned to have the child adopted, that poor child would one day as an adult be able to trace and find out what a monster their father was. (If they were lucky enough to escape any genetic psychological illness passed on by their father, and survive to adulthood).

Not at all.

It just means I'm amazed that on threads where a poster clearly expresses a desire to keep an unexpected pregnancy in "imperfect" circumstances such as from an affair that 20, 30, 40 people jump on and say immediately to abort. I would generally expect a suggestion to terminate to be made with some deeper reflection than that.

(Edited for clarity)

This is not accurate. There are approximately 300,000 US churches and well over 90,000 of them offer support to women who decide to give birth instead of have an abortion. It’s a mix of financial, practical, help with housing, parenting classes, clothes, food and whatever else is needed. In the US, crisis pregnancy centres bring in something like $1.4 billion in revenue with multiple millions going to directly help women. All the data is freely available online.

If you have data to show that most pro-life people are against subsidised healthcare, I would be interested to see it.

Of course we care for the vulnerable but what about the vulnerable woman who you're suggesting be forced to give birth to a baby she doesn't want or cannot look after?

At the point of most abortions, the foetus is in no way a baby.

Once again, overly sentimental, overly simplified, fact ignoring rubbish.

It also has dna to say whether it’s female or male. Whether genetically they will develop well. That’s science.

Again, all for women choosing whatever they want. I just think people are too quick to judge someone with a very acceptable and correct view point.

'Correct' by who?

Not the law.

Or medical opinion.

Much as I disagree with the OP, this just isn’t true. There are plenty of people who would like a newborn, especially one that wasn’t being removed by SS (because many of those have high needs caused by drugs/alcohol). It’s older kids who are harder to find parents for. But it is very rare in the UK for a mother who is not in SS sights to give up a newborn.

Sorry, yabu. No ifs or buts. No woman should be forced into a pregnancy she does not want. It's not your choice. Plus although women could technically have abortions in the 20s and 30s I suspect limited numbers had access. You have no idea what you dh's mother went through.

Im pro-life, you can’t say anything on here about it because you have a load of others jumping down your throat, being pro-life now is a dirty word, but I see where you’re coming from OP.

correct view point

According to who?

Do you mean ‘you can’t say anything on here without other people giving their opinion in return’?

For the record I don’t believe any woman should be forced to have a baby. I do however struggle with the arguments used by ‘pro life’ people. I think a woman should have a choice but I think every termination/abortion is a tragedy and rather than just accepting it we should be campaigning to improve conditions so more women don’t feel they have no option but to make this choice

No, I’ve mentioned similar views and I’ve been called awful names, had people say they wish horrible things upon me and been verbally abused, it’s myself who can’t voice my opinions.

Yes YABU

Absolutely none of your buisness why anyone makes their OWN choice.

Never will be. You do you.

I had to terminate mine because I was unlikley to survive pregnancy, and didn't fancy leaving the 2 children who I already had without a mother.
I consider myself lucky that my 10 year old found me and got medical assistance before i actually died.

My body, my choice, but i might not be sat here typing if i'd not terminated. (and I had to "terminate" 3 times because the first 2 attempts didn't work) (and yes the pregnancy was completely unplanned)