Struggling with the age gap

[Whatdoidotoday]

I need some advise because I’m losing it.

I have a 9yo and 2.5yo and I’m losing my mind. Dh is away for work for a while and usually we struggle through it together but I am just overwhelmed now.

The age gap means that there is not one activity/ event / anything that I can do with them both.
another huge issue is that both of them are children who cannot do a single thing on their own for one second

DS9 now gets a punishment for not occupying himself as I’m sick of it. He will not do any clubs so just wants to be home. But at home he is just hanging on to me constantly/ moaning/ complaining. I had such a bad experience to motherhood as he was such a Velcro child. We eventually sent him to nursery at 14m every day even though I am a sahm. He is a little better now but if you don’t tell him what to do, he can’t keep himself busy for long.

DD is an even worse child. Just constantly wanting to be on top of me. I sit down start an activity, play for 20min and walk away for 5min and she just cannot occupy herself. Constantly wants you right next to her doing the thing for her. I’m so sick of them. I’ve watched friends and they can get busy with something in the same room and their kids play/ do something independently. A few friends have even commented on how needy they are - I’m not offended because I fully agree. My toddler is at nursery every day but just for a few hours and I’m waiting for a space for the full day.

Im so worn down. I regret being a sahm. I regret being at home for them as they have turned out to be the most dependent, needy, and unable to do anything for themselves children.

im sure reading this sounds awful but I’m just burnt out.
my dh is amazing and so hands on and also agrees that our kids are incredibly hard work.

what do people do to get their kids independent.

They can both go to the park or to soft play? I think these things can be a bit self perpetuating - just don’t do it. It will be painful to start with but they can’t make you. Any whining and up to their room - especially the 9 year old.

If you did go to the park for example, take a friend for the 9 yo and they can occupy each other.
I would say a 2yo is too little to occupy themselves, but the 9yo can try harder!

Stick it out, it'll soon all be memories once they lock themselves in their rooms on their phones. Once they start swearing at you, and stop kissing you goodnight.

It's tough being a sahm, never seems to be an end. Keep going, keep loving them. Sorry can't help.

The 9YO needs to have friends round more, or take friends when you go out. E.g. he can play football with a mate at the park whilst you have the little one in the playground and then give them some money to go off to the cafe and buy an ice cream or something.

I’m in London and things here are very pre arranged. So there’s no random, call a friend to join at the park. It’s all planned, pick up and drop off. We closed school this week and most of my dc friends are immediately travelling, and we are travelling when they’re back. The huge park near us is badly set out. Grassy area to kick around and playground is at two different ends and I can’t leave my ds alone, and he doesn’t want to play in the playground as it’s quite babyish. He’s too old now for soft play. My dd just wants to be constantly on top of me. Not next to me but on top of me.

Invite your kids friends round more, and encourage independence rather than punishing him for needing you. Yes he needs to learn to do stuff alone but it’s also on you to actually encourage. Go back to work if you hate being a SAHM, it’s not for everyone

Would you like to go back to work @Whatdoidotoday

I’d definitely do some camp days then! Pre arrange with mates when you can, look outside his core group and consider inviting kids he likes but maybe hasn’t had round before. Museums are good for mixed ages and you have access to them all living in London. Any friends with kids of similar ages, even if there’s a third in the middle to hang out in solidarity with? 🤣 But yeah if he doesn’t have mates then I think he needs camp. There’s very little overlap between 2.5 and 9.

Country parks. Walks/bike rides (if toddler is on a seat on your bike). Swimming. Beach. Baking/cooking.

It doesn’t sound as though you enjoy being a SAHM. It’s not for everyone. Have you thought about going back to work?

The way you speak about your children is horrible.

Sounds like a vicious cycle- you are burned out so just want to be away from them and they sense this and cling more. Agree with other posters that SAHM life isn't for everyone- i would rebalance your life so you can enjoy your time with them. Could therapy help?

I think your attitude probably makes them more clingy. I don't blame you at all and this isn't meant to be critical- it's just the ways kids react. I definitely think if your son can't entertain himself at all it is reasonable to have a bit of structure where you do an activity together then he gets on with something on his own. Lego? Reading? Drawing? Library? I do hear you, it is really hard and exhausting.

Would he cope in a camp? Or just "doesn't want to". We told our 8 year old he didn't have to go tovafter school club if he hated it but he did have to entertain himself at home better while we finished WFH. He now really happily plays with his toys and other 8 uear old boy stuff. He's definitely not unhappy or neglected. Just finally clocked on he had to fit in with the family sometimes.

I have two velcro kids (2 and 4). It can be really difficult at times, but how you talk about them is worrying. So is avoiding spending time with them to the extent that you describe.

How is your mood in general? If these feelings have been present since you sent your eldest to nursery full time, then they need addressing. I'd be tempted to see your GP or arrange counselling.

Nothing but Solidarity OP. Mine are 10, 6 and 3.

6 year old is relatively independent, the other two are not. It’s nothing you’ve done, some kids are just clingier than others.

I have awful PMS today and just want 5 minutes peace. I have just tried to explain PMS to my 10 year old and that mummy just needs a bit of quiet time. It obviously went in one ear and out the other as two minutes later just as I was sitting down to eat lunch she came over with a puzzle worksheet she wanted to do with me.

Will yours watch TV / a tablet?

Use timers and reward charts. Religiously

It doesn’t sound like you enjoy being a SAHM, I’d get a part time job and then you’ll probably enjoy your down time with them more (that’s what I find anyway). They’d also mix with other children and become more independent.

Ive got 4 children, when my youngest was born (10 years ago) the others were 3, 6 and 9. I used to take them to the beach, zoos, aquariums, national trust etc you have to find stuff that is appealing to all of them.
Things like cinema, bowling, trampolining etc gets easier when youngest is 4.
I would also arrange play dates… I’d often let them invite a friend each when they were school age and 8 children in pairs was easy compared to 4 all needing entertainment 😁

so the actual reality is I don’t want to go back to work. I’ve left a hard corporate world behind, and wanted to spend my years being at home with my kids. I’m an older mom. But the experience has just been nothing I expected and I do think I’m quite unhappy. I love my kids off course I do , but I don’t enjoy being with them. I invited a good friend over who has 4 kids to give me an honest opinion. She did. Unless you see what I’m talking about you would think I’m mad.
they seem to just have two modes - one is whining and all over me and the other is a screen in front of them so I can just have a second to breathe.

We went for a walk earlier and to the playground. My ds just complained the entire way, he was so upset at having to go out yet all he did at home was just sit next to me and complain!
my toddler just wanted to be carried the entire time. This isn’t anything new. This is them. They are so fucking exhausting and miserable to be around. And now that it’s bedtime I spend an hour lying next to my toddler to fall asleep, straight from here I need to go sit for another half hour with my ds till he hopefully sleeps. This isn’t a life.

Are they not used to going out often? Where is your husband? The way you talk about your kids is really unpleasant, maybe they’d be better off in childcare

I just want to say I relate the motherhood claustrophobia thing, with kids in close proximity 24-7.
My twins are 12 and I have only just started to get over it.

We go out very often. My dh travels annually for work for 6 weeks and he is travelling now. I’ve been very factual. Is it normal for a 9yo almost 10 to be this dependent on a parent? I’ve lost sight of things.
he has a very good life. Very secure home environment, good friends, great school, holidays, lots of praise and rewards, everything a child could want .. yet he is just so needy. Constantly complaining, constantly whining.
my toddler has turned out the same. Maybe it’s me.
our kids are probably one of the very few where both parents attend all school events, weekends revolve around them, we give each of them a good solid block of individual quality time daily, but it’s just never enough.

Why are you lying next to them both to fall asleep? I think you’re creating some of your own issues and then moaning about the results.
For instance, if you don’t want to lie next to them while they fall asleep… don’t!
Just instigate a new bedtime routine ie bath, story, sleep. Say goodnight and leave. They’ll get upset as it’s new… persevere, reiterate that it’s bedtime and time to sleep. Might take ages first night, less the next night. Do not back down, walk them back to bed and say goodnight. If you’re consistent, they’ll get used to the new normal.

I feel sorry for them. If you are in London then you have access to absolutely loads of things to do with them, way more than most of us. Many museums, galleries, libraries, different parks, a day at the coast and so on.

He clearly doesn’t feel like he has a very secure home environment though does he? Maybe he can sense how much you detest him? Your 2.5 year old is a toddler, their behaviour may well change. If 9 year old has good friends then why not invite them round more?

And now that it’s bedtime I spend an hour lying next to my toddler to fall asleep, straight from here I need to go sit for another half hour with my ds till he hopefully sleeps. This isn’t a life.

Why on earth do you stay with them till they fall asleep?

This may well be why they can't cope for a moment without you, actually.

Just put them to bed and leave them! I had four children and never stayed with any of them. Bath, bed, story, goodnight.

Then I had the evening with my husband.

I suggest that you get a copy of the Ferber Sleep Training book, and read the relevant chapters, then you'll be able to put your DC to bed and leave them to fall asleep by themselves.