Struggling with the age gap

[Whatdoidotoday]

I need some advise because I’m losing it.

I have a 9yo and 2.5yo and I’m losing my mind. Dh is away for work for a while and usually we struggle through it together but I am just overwhelmed now.

The age gap means that there is not one activity/ event / anything that I can do with them both.
another huge issue is that both of them are children who cannot do a single thing on their own for one second

DS9 now gets a punishment for not occupying himself as I’m sick of it. He will not do any clubs so just wants to be home. But at home he is just hanging on to me constantly/ moaning/ complaining. I had such a bad experience to motherhood as he was such a Velcro child. We eventually sent him to nursery at 14m every day even though I am a sahm. He is a little better now but if you don’t tell him what to do, he can’t keep himself busy for long.

DD is an even worse child. Just constantly wanting to be on top of me. I sit down start an activity, play for 20min and walk away for 5min and she just cannot occupy herself. Constantly wants you right next to her doing the thing for her. I’m so sick of them. I’ve watched friends and they can get busy with something in the same room and their kids play/ do something independently. A few friends have even commented on how needy they are - I’m not offended because I fully agree. My toddler is at nursery every day but just for a few hours and I’m waiting for a space for the full day.

Im so worn down. I regret being a sahm. I regret being at home for them as they have turned out to be the most dependent, needy, and unable to do anything for themselves children.

im sure reading this sounds awful but I’m just burnt out.
my dh is amazing and so hands on and also agrees that our kids are incredibly hard work.

what do people do to get their kids independent.

My 2 DC were a nightmare to sleep, extremely energetic, I didn't enjoy being a SAHM, but had no alternative. It all changed when they were close to 10 and now I love it. I recommend you work on yourself. I was very anxious, I was unhappy and resentful and they felt that, making their behaviour more difficult. You can only change how you deal with things.
(I divorced when they were 9 and 6 which improved things massively as the main source of resentment was out of the equation. How do you feel about your DH working and travelling while you're home?)

I understand you are worn down and exhausted but you also sound very defeatist about changing your situation.

There's things you can do and there's plenty of suggestions on here however it will require hard work from yourself and your husband. You can't change 9 years of behaviour overnight and there's no quick fixes such as punishments or locking yourself in the toilet that will solve it.

I think there was a good point up thread that really your children need to be treated like 2 only children. Instead of these intense weekends which seem to revolve around them and enforced family activities together, you should be seeking out social activities for your 9 year old and arranging for him to spend time at a weekend with friends. I'm not surprised your 9 old is moaning and whinging, expecting them to enjoy an outing with a toddler is a massive ask. I understand it can be difficult on your own but is there any friends or anyone he could have over that can accompany him when you're out. Or drop him off at a club while you spend 1:1 time with your youngest. Honestly he needs a life outside of you and his toddler sibling and this would help reduce the clingyness to you.

For food sensory issues, can you seek further support from the GP or school for this? How do your kids eat in school and nursery?

I also recommend a book called the Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson. A lot in it about leaving kids to entertain themselves and also about whining etc. It may be worth a read for you.