Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

Not everyone deserves a second chance. It's OK to put up boundaries and protect yourself.

What the hell is wrong with you? Nobody should ever feel guilted into or obliged to softening their hearts toward people who ABUSED them, ffs!

Does being old suddenly negate all he did?

He has been a good father for 31 years and we don't know what he did other than emotional abuse.
Nothing is wrong with me, I am just a nice person with a good heart.

And emotional abuse isn't enough?

It's not for you to decide that OP is obligated to keep in contact with this man. He was playing pretend and at the first chance he got, he harassed and antagonized one of his victims, using OP's important day to do it.

Being nice has nothing to do with it.

It is no wonder the world is in the state it is in, he has been a good father for 31 years, who goes to a wedding and desperately wants to make amends with his daughter.
People on here have hearts of stone, everyone deserves a second chance.

I think OP is the expert in her own father, and family, eh?

Don't be so ignorant.

When I read wedding disaster I thought something truly awful had happened. I wouldn’t worry about it OP, doubt the incidents with your dad registered with anyone.

Years ago I attended the wedding of a good friend. When we met up weeks later she apologised for her grandmothers behaviour. Apparently at some point during the Reception the GM shouted why don’t you just fuck off to her son in law (my friend’s dad) in an argument over seating. I had no idea, didn’t hear it or notice. None of our other friends did either. You’d be surprised what goes over people’s heads at an event like a wedding.

Yes a good father in the last 30 years but emotional and some physical abuse which I suffered in his hands previously , I decided to give him a second chance as I was an adult and I kept some distance

Our children were never left alone with him because I was protecting them.

‘Some emotional and physical
abuse’ - he is NOT a good father, and will never be op.

Your poor sister.
Very much living in the truth, whilst others choose to minimise his terrible actions.

Apologies OP I missed your last update.
Yes like many selfish entitled men, he just couldn't not put his needs first, despite his promises and it being his grandson's wedding.

Everyone has great memories of the day thankfully, your sister has clarity and confirmation of who he is and you too have gained clarity.

I wish you well.

He left without making a fuss, it’s all dine, try and think of many happy moments of the day.

Of course emotional abuse is serious. It also depends on the circumstances. We don't know enough to decide whether it was enough to go no contact. An example could be a father telling his daughter to stop going out with next to nothing on.It could be telling her she's beginning to look trashy, or making herself cheap by constantly going off with random guys. This could be interpreted as emotional abuse when it's actually more about protection & decency.

This all sounds a bit over the top but then we don't know the proper context of why the sister isn't talking to the father. It is impossible to give useful advice.

( edited) Apologies as I have just seen the OP's update re emotional abuse and some physical.

Lol. There's always one.

Nope. That's not how it works.

All we do know that she has chosen to go no contact - and so that's that. The end.

Maybe you (or I) would decide that whatever he did wasn't bad enough to warrant that - but you (and I) don't get to decide other people's boundaries.

He's been told to fuck off, so off he can fuck.

While that might or might not be unfair, in the real world women do get to decide that they want nothing at all to do with certain people for any reason or none. He's had 20 years to get used to it or try to fix it. What he does not get to do is bulldozer her boundaries at a wedding when he has promised not to.

The very fact that he chose another person's wedding day to try to bulldozer her boundaries, broke his word, and sat there glowering is enough proof that he gives zero shits about other people's rights.

Anyway, he's not going to win this round, that's clear. And I am happy about that, I hate seeing coercive bullies get their way.

Her dad hasn't apologised. OP has just said:

'I could see that he actually does not care about either of us , he really doesn't.
He looked menacing sat there and I had not seen this for over 30 years.'

He had a chance to make amends by behaving at the funeral but he chose not to. I doubt that the stress will make him ill, but who cares if it does. OP softened her heart by inviting him against all advice and he repaid her by lying to her and disobeying her specific instructions to leave her sister alone. He was an abusive cunt when he was young and is still an abusive cunt now that he is an old man. Nobody is around for ever, so that certainly isn't a reason to condone or forgive abusive behaviour.

Everyone? Really? Even people like Rose West?

I've responded to your guilt tripping posts on other threads where you use the fact that your parents are dead to instruct the OP to ignore and forgive poor or selfish behaviour from her parents as she'll be sorry when they are dead.

Maybe you should stay away from threads where people ask for advice about selfish, unkind and abusive parents as your contributions just come across as sanctimonious victim blaming.

How can we know the stats re physical and sexual abuse towards girls and women at the hands of men but STILL assume the woman is over dramatic and the problem.

And now we learn from OP's update he WAS physically abusive.

No one has to forgive an emotionally and physically abusive man. I don't care if he became a monk and dedicated his life to helping others for 30 years, he still inflicted harm on his own children and that doesnr get cancelled out by being on his best behaviour for a few decades.

And the fact that he crossed their boundaries at the wedding shows he hasn't actually changed at all.

The victim blaming and outright internalised misogyny in this thread is the worst I've seen on mumsnet in a really long time.

It's actually ageist to assume he is harmless just because he is old now. Being old doesn't make you suddenly innocent.

It wasn't a disaster, you are catastrophising. Nothing can change it now anyway. TBH he should not have been invited at all but he was and other people helped to manage him. I would either ignore it and move on, or become a second daughter who has nothing to do with him.

This doesn't sound like a disaster to me, I'm sure that the guests barely noticed a thing. Sorry to hear about the situation with your dad, weddings always drudge up family drama but I would just let it go. Don't be to harsh on your self. He's a grown man and not your responsibility.

I think it sounds as if the best man and ushers handled the situation really well. With kindness I doubt it ruined the day for the bride and groom.

Definitely not your fault! Your sister is a grown woman, if something bad has happened between them she could have declined the invitation.
if it was a usual kind of family fall out I feel the men intervening were being rather heavy handed and dramatic. It would have been easy for your sister to ignore him and walk away.
Please try to remember the lovely day rather than worry about this. Absolutely NOT your fault x

Ridiculous.

This wasn’t on you. Your dad sounds like he steamrolled through your sisters boundaries!!

You made is clear before the only condition was not to approach sister and family, he was warned on arrival….but did it several times. He was then warned on these occasions.

For him to then approach your son and DIL and say that when they were probably blissfully unaware of all this (which they should be on their wedding day!!!!) says a lot more about your father than any body else.

If he cannot respect anyone enough to honour a simple request I would be lowering contact with him also

I do hope you were all able to enjoy the day once he had left 🥰

Please whitewash thoughts of your DF yesterday from your mind. Imagine a paint roller painting him out if intrusive thoughts preoccupy you. Instead pro-actively fill your mind and time up with the glorious events and memories.

Dont let your abusive DF shadow this for you.

Having an abusive parent leaves us highly anxious, over-thinking and blaming ourselves - seeing ourselves as 'over-responsible' for conflict. This is what is emotionally hijacking you right now. But you do have agency - have you had any preofessional help for or accessed resources for cPTSD?

We also always have 'relentless hope' - that our abusive parent will behave otherwise. Thats a normal reaction/expectation - but they rarely deliver.

Congratulations to your family for the marriage - continue the celebrations.