Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

Completely agree with this. My immediate thought was what on earth did he do that means she needed a security detail. Absolute drama.

When DD got married I hadn’t spoken to my ex for over a decade. He came, we acted like adults who barely knew each other and all had a wonderful time. I used to adopt the same superficial smile and keep walking approach to my father’s girlfriend who I couldn’t stand but felt obliged to invite to some events for the love of him. It’s adulting.

If you read OP's updates there was physical and emotional abuse that caused the sister to go no contact.

The father knew that he was not to approach her but tried to grab the sister's hand and glared at her menacingly - which even scared OP.

The father clearly chose not to abide by the promises he made and tried to steamroller a confrontation with the sister.

You gave him a chance and he blew it.

It’s not your fault you gave him a chance. It all turned out ok and no harm came to anyone except you as he has really let you down. I’m sorry x

Why arent they speaking?

On a scale of "they need their heads banging together" to "my sister is right"

Edit: i hadnt rftf

You are not responsible for his behaviour.
His behaviour only reflects upon him.
There was more to the day then what he did, you are responsible for which memories you take away from the day. Don’t spoil your memories by focussing on his behaviour. Focus on memories of the wedding itself.

Your sister having not spoken to her father for 20 years and having teenaged sons must be at least 40 or 50 years old. I am sure she didn't really need the best man and ushers, presumably all in their 20s to 30s, all rallying round and escorting her to the toilet. Unless the back story is that her father tried to kill her or similar, surely she could just police it by saying "I have made it very clear I don't want to speak to you, please leave me alone". The man is 80 he's not exactly presenting a physical danger, in a public space with witnesses at a wedding.

My husband's parents divorced when he was a small child and loathe each other. My father in law had an affair with MIL's best friend. They don't speak. They both came to our wedding and stood side by side in the wedding party pics, smiled for the camera then ignored each other, because they are grown ups.

This . It’s sounds like a lot of drama, these are all adults, not allowing your Dad to approach his daughter is a bit OTT, surely she can speak to him herself , calmly ? He is 80, maybe he hoped to clear the air ?
Anyway wedding always have difficult family things going on, the one who always gets drunk, the one who takes offence at everything and flounces, the ones who quietly avoid each other…my friend shagged the bridesmaid at his wedding.., he was the groom !!

OP does have some responsibility, since she (with overoptimism) advocated for him being invited , when her son doesn’t have much contact with his grandfather and didn’t plan to invite him, DIL had never met him and OP’s sister would far rather he wasn’t invited. She prioritised her father and unfortunately he behaved badly.

My own father ruined my wedding and a major birthday with similar behaviour by him and his wife. There were less than twenty people at my wedding therefore it was very obvious. I was married over 30 years ago. Let it go. You will never forgive or forget. But will learn to cope with the memories. Good luck.

Thats not that big of a scene. personally i think the precautions sound more dramatic than his behaviour. Who were the ushers that told him to leave? Relatives?

It was likely a minor issue for most people there OP. Try to concentrate on all the lovely things that happened. Stop apoligising and making it seem bigger than it was, other than for you and your sister.

She didn't want to speak to her abuser and made that clear and the father promised not to approach her - why should she be forced to when he can't control himself.

The fact that after promising not to approach her he tried to corner her and then grab her hand must have scared her.

Ultimately it was not up to you who was invited it was up to the couple. So I don’t think you need to beat yourself up over this. You made the boundaries clear, he overstepped them several times and you even intervened when it was necessary. It sounds like you did your best and I’m sure everyone else will see that, including the happy couple who are the most important people here. He knew fine well what he was doing. Don’t let him taint your memories of the day any more by dwelling on it.

Er, no - but as the OP has said, he has been a good father and grandfather for the last 31 years

I have one of these wankers in my family too. I know the type. They just cannot behave no matter how much they are told. There's not much you personally can do to change them. So all you can really do is be kind to yourself and learn a lesson.

And then he undid all his good works. Him.

This is the problem with 80 year olds. They know they haven't got long left so only think about themselves. Nobody more entitled and selfish than pensioners (not all of them obvs, but on average).

On the positive side, nobody will blame anybody but him, and will have forgotten it all by this time next week.

So you didn’t financially contribute to your own son’s wedding and decided your father should come to potentially ruin things.
Your poor son, daughter in law and sister.

My final thoughts on this are family feuds are contagious through many generations. I would never allow this to cast a slur on my family without dong my best to sort it out.

He didn’t ruin the day, all disasters were averted. Put it out of your mind and be grateful for the sterling job of the ushers.

If you want to do anything, a little note to the best man and ushers thanking them for going above and beyond would probably be appreciated.

Families are difficult, everyone knows that and weddings bring all sorts of issues.All the guests would have known this and I'm sure didn't really care.
I do feel a little sorry for an elderly man who probably doesn't have much time left, regardless of his bad behaviour.

That's nice dear. Btw physical and emotional abuse isn't a mere family 'feud', and boundaries / survival isn't shameful or a 'slur'.

Damaged people damage people. This man is obviously at best difficult or at worst damaged. OP would never have had him involved with her family for 30 years if it was serious abuse It's a decision taken by one woman to do her best to create disharmony when her sister has accepted his apology.

So his age excuses abuse? Do you feel just as charitable towards Jimmy Saville for example?

The OP made no suggestion of sexual abuse. Nowadays a smack on the legs is deemed as physical abuse.