to not understand Christians who have sex/live together before marriage then marry in church?

[onlytwo]

Posting here because I am genuinely confused and not trying to offend anyone.

I keep seeing couples who describe themselves as Christians who have been living together for years, sometimes with kids, then they get married in church with all the religious vows etc. I thought one of the key Christian teachings is no sex before marriage yet it seems really common that people ignore that part but still have a big church wedding.

AIBU to think it is hypocritical?

I would question the intelligence of anyone that believes any of this nonsense at all, except that I know some very intelligent people that do.
People are strange.

There are many different theological interpretations, many thousands of different Christian denominations as well. Differences in translations makes a huge difference for a start, Aramaic is a very symbolic, poetic language and translating it into Greek and then English loses a lot. It’s not knowing better than God to have varied interpretations based on different information and teachings.

Who on earth would want to marry someone they’ve not banged in this day and age. What if it’s terrible? Lifetime of rubbish sex would be a deal breaker for me.

I consider myself a Christian btw.

There are many religions with rules and ecpectations and there are many people who practice their faith of choice and do not follow those rules or requirements.

Are you eqully puzzled about all other religions op?

I doubt that there has EVER been a single person who has 100% adhered to the requirements of any religion.

That's the whole point isn't it? The constant struggle against "baser" instincts and temptations?

Why are you so focused on one element of one religion OP? It's an odd thing to pick out.

Tbh I would imagine that the Church is grateful for anyone showing interest and turning up.
Having sex before marraige is certainly one thing to let go of. Pre readily available contraception, the biggest impact of that was controlling womens behaviour.

You are thinking of old school Catholicism. We had a temp where I worked who was an Irish Catholic and was very open that he was marrying young because they were still virgins and saving themselves. This was close to 30 years ago though.

It is still a massive thing in happy clappy churches, even more so in the US. “Purity culture” Is still alive and well!

Yes, it IS a sin, but the people I've known who have done this weren't Christians when they got together or only one was. You don't tend to force new converts to move out of a house just because of a non essential rule. Also, contextually, a couple living together and only having sex with each other is the same as a marriage, effectively.

Do you think every Christian in history was able to afford a wedding in church? They just told each other and friends and family then just were "bound" to each other then they moved in.

Abstinence and puritan beliefs about sex are a mostly American evangelical invention.

Maybe from American Christian fundamentalists? Perhaps the same ones who take the Bible version of creation literally?

When you say "If you believe in God and follow Christianity you cannot just say oh the bible was written so long ago, the world is different now, the teachings are outdated’ " I get you. What sanctions do you think should be applied for people who do think otherwise but are Christians nevertheless, despite you saying they can't be ? The Spanish Inquisition had some good ideas.

Some of the ancestors of Jesus had sex outside marriage, according to the Gospel of Matthew. I think it’s quite interesting that people hardly ever mention this in discussions about sexual morality.

If you think a KEY teaching of Christianity is no sex before marriage then I fear you've really not got the point of that religion.

Yes good point re believing in the creation story. What's the rule from the Religion Police on that one?

I think peoples faith, beliefs and standards are their own personal business. Unless they're breaking a law, their standards are between themselves and god and are nothing to do with the rest of us.

You’re right op. Anyone fully subscribing to Christian beliefs will not live in sin. This is quite hard in modern society though and I think you need an element of intimacy to know you are compatible before fully committing to a life time together.

I lived with my DH before marriage and we got married soon after but I would not have felt comfortable with it if there had been no intention to get married. We wanted to have our family as a married couple. As a Christian I pray that God understands my choices.

God knows what’s in people’s hearts though. I personally think many of the religious laws were to prevent promiscuity and ensure consistency and security for the raising of children. I think in any culture or society these are the right values irrespective of faith.

Christianity believes we're all sinners the point is to strive to do your best and earnestly repent so that God forgives you, not to expect perfection. Most Christians have many sins to confess.

I have a relative who thought his wife would forgive his infidelity & they would both pray over it, this was the good Christian practice, because he truly regretted his actions. Instead, she publicly shamed him (told everyone the next day) & the marriage imploded. He's remarried now.... he was right, that would have been the most Christian thing, to pray for God to iimprove him if repentence was true in his heart.

The truly special points about Christianity that I remember are
a) We have free will, independence of thought, and are expected to use our brains not slavishly follow others rules.
b) Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
Therefore we can do as we wish that is limited to what we expect them to treat us. Do not be cruel and do not judge.

What do you do when your slaves don't obey their master? (Ephesians 6:5-8) How do you ensure your clothes are of a single type of cloth? (Leviticus 19:19) How often do you stone people who work on the Sabbath? (Numbers 15:32-36)

I could go on.

Of course you have to view the Bible through the lens of history. And so does the Church. 🤦🏻‍♀️

People aren't having sex outside marraige because of nice interpretations and translations c'mon! Also - yes there are many denominations, but these are all modern. Wouldn't it be a better source to look at Roman Catholicism or Orthodox?

Are you Christian OP?

There are interpretations of the bible that indicate that, but the Bible is a big book and I reckon you can use passages from it to support a lot of arguments.

The strict teaching on sex before marriage can cause a lot of problems

E.g. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jun/17/evangelical-sex-marriage?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Tbh, I’ve never heard anyone describe themselves as ‘Christian’s’, who then follow that up as to that’s why they’re marrying in church. Do the people you know who marry in church honestly state this? I wouldn’t describe myself as a Christian, but I would say I follow some Christian values, and I married in church. And it’s no-one else’s business what or why people are doing stuff, as long as they’re not hurting others.

I think the only Christian teaching I've ever kept on purpose is the one about not working on the Sabbath.

I'm an atheist through and through, but when I was 19 I'd inevitably feel the Holy Spirit whenever my boss asked me to do a Sunday shift.

"I'm C of E, you can't touch me" 🤣

Isn't it more hypocritical of non-Church attendees to marry in Church, especially if their reason is that 'it will look lovely on our social media photos'?
Personally I say the more the merrier, we need the money!

I haven't read a Guardian article for some time but this just demonstrates how far it has slid in to the mire. Porn addiction is a myth?!