to not understand Christians who have sex/live together before marriage then marry in church?

[onlytwo]

Posting here because I am genuinely confused and not trying to offend anyone.

I keep seeing couples who describe themselves as Christians who have been living together for years, sometimes with kids, then they get married in church with all the religious vows etc. I thought one of the key Christian teachings is no sex before marriage yet it seems really common that people ignore that part but still have a big church wedding.

AIBU to think it is hypocritical?

I'm very much atheist but as others have already said there are so many aspects of Christianity that Christians skip on. As with most religions, followers tend to cherry pick to some degree.

Personally, I think waiting until marriage before having sex is an awful idea because you're taking a complete gamble on how compatible you will be on one of the most important aspects of your relationship and intimate connection, so if Christians want to skip that bit then more power to them. If I could snap my fingers and rid the world of (what I view as) ridiculous, outdated religious custom I would but that won't happen. So it's hardly a bad thing if we accept more lax interpretations and less stringent adherence within religious communities, rather than telling someone they aren't a real Christian/Muslim/change as applicable because they don't necessarily follow the religion 'by the book', especially when oftentimes the things they choose not to do or partake in are detrimental such as strict gender roles, homophobia and infant genital mutilation.

As with every religion people manipulate it and use it to their own ends. You're silly for being offended. It doesn't affect you in any way.

roseteapot

You put it much better than my attempt 👌

"People might do it, but they don’t claim the scriptures permit it."

Christians don't generally either.

What an eloquent way of saying absolutely nothing. You have given no context or understanding, you’ve just waffled on about how complex it all is. Why can’t you, who claims to understand it so intricately, not give me the context for murdering a women who doesn’t bleed on her wedding night? I don’t want the link, I want you to explain it because you claim you can?

How about 2 Kings 2: 23-24? Do you think that God didn’t order that murder of children? Or again, are you cherry picking which bits work for you and which bits don’t?

How come you will believe the story of say, the creation but not the sanctioned murder of kids? Or are you saying none of that is correct either? Are you suggesting that most practicing Christian’s don’t understand Christianity either because it’s so complex?

ETA to say I have read that link and what a spectacular amount of utter bullshit it is that explains absolutely nothing except for ‘modern day can’t possibly understand’.

It doesn't bother me unless those people choose to preach their religion at me. Years ago I filled in for as godparent for a "friend" as one of the other god parents had had to drop out. This "friend" was Catholic. I'm an atheist, but wanted to be a good friend so agreed. During and after the ceremony members of the "friend"'s family kept coming up to me and basically calling me a hypocrite for agreeing to be godparent when I didn't believe in god.

I honestly don't care about being a godparent, I was just trying to help a friend out at the last minute. This Catholic "friend" who was baptising her child had, had an affair and said child with a married man. Had a child out of wedlock and was now living "in sin" with this married man who wasn't yet divorced. I held my tongue all day, but inside I was seething! They reeeeally needed to take a fucking look at their own crappy morals. We're no longer friends.

Living for the church isn't the same as living for Jesus. The Bible warns they there'll be people in the church who appear to be Christians but are not, including amongst the leaders - wolves in sheep's clothing.

It sounds like you've met a few. And the paedophile priests we've all heard of are certainly in that group. Not genuine Christians, however religious they might seem.

Yanbu. It's the ones that post on MN that they need to get married as they're religious but already have two kids with their partner of ten years that stun me. Like, does that undo the past ten years?

No. You seem strangely fixated on wanting to prove that I am wrong and twisting things to your rhetoric. Why are you so disturbed by it all?

I have repeatedly explained, but you aren’t seemingly wanting to listen. In fact, my posts have been respectful; it is you who is twisting it if you believe otherwise.

Interestingly, the Bible does actually say that non-believers struggle to understand scripture (Ephesians).

Enough argument now, I’ve off to get on with the day but very best wishes to you OP. I’ve posted a link to some further reading that will be better than me at explaining some of the things you’ve raised.

I completely agree that humans everywhere experience cognitive dissonance and often justify things they want to do, regardless of what their religion teaches. And of course, there will always be individuals in every faith who find ways to rationalise behaviours outside their religion’s teachings.

My point wasn’t that only Christians struggle with this or that every Muslim or Jew perfectly follows their faith, obviously that is not true. Many Christians say premarital sex is compatible with their faith (look at the previous posts) whereas Muslims or Jews do not explicitly claim their scriptures permit sex before marriage.

Christian isn't one thing, there are hundreds of different types.

Jesus (they key defining feature of Christianity) hung around, had many followers and was friendly to prostitutes. There was no condemnation of sex from his teachings. He actually opposed historic religious teaching of judgement and condemnation of sex with love and spoke of forgiveness and absolution of the old fashioned 'sin of sex' it one of the reasons the 'old school' hated him.

"Many Christians say premarital sex is compatible with their faith (look at the previous posts)"

I haven't seen posts by practising Christians arguing that. I have seen posts disagreeing about what fornication is, but those people didn't say they were Christians.

You haven’t explained anything, please see my previous post. You’re a waffler so the out explaining anything whatsoever. Same as the link you posted, it gives no context whatsoever.

You cherry pick so you can make your religion fit you then talk condescendingly to anyone who challenges you and act as though the rest of us, whom were raised in the religion and studies religious studies, couldn’t possibly understand because you’re so above us. Expect you’ve said absolutely nothing. It’s classic Christian empty arguments.

I haven’t twisted anything - I’ve asked you for explanations to Bible quotes - you’ve repeatedly failed to give them. No twisting, you just can’t back yourself.

It's a sliding scale of guilt and condemnation.. In the Elim pentecostal movement they openly chastise teenagers for having a ham shank, because that's thinking sinful thoughts, while CofE have little to say about living together before marriage.

It really is cracking stuff to be brought up with though, being told sex is dirty and wrong while simultaneously full of raging hormones.

"Interpreting" the bible can be used for anything, which is how cults came about.

Fundamentalist seem crazy in 2025, with the naked couple and the naughty woman with the apple, and the talking snake, and the 10,000 year old earth, but the alternative is basically saying "I think what God meant to say is...."

It's bloody exhausting, took me twenty years sitting on a boat and being left alone to recover from a childhood of that malarchy.

My point wasn’t that only Christians struggle with this or that every Muslim or Jew perfectly follows their faith, obviously that is not true. Many Christians say premarital sex is compatible with their faith (look at the previous posts) whereas Muslims or Jews do not explicitly claim their scriptures permit sex before marriage

This entirely depends on the people from those religions whom you have talked to though doesnt it? Views will vary wildly, depending on the people involved, how seriously or literally they might take their faith, how they have interpreted their Holy book etc etc My experience has not been yours at all, therefore you cannot make sweeping generalisation - that was exactly MY point.

To be fair, ham is prohibited in the Bible

We became Christian after having children and obviously living together but before marriage. There was a turning point in life for us where we found religion. We are due to get married in 6 weeks but have been together 15 years

Having sex before marriage doesn't mean they don't believe in God. It's that simple.

Did anybody say it did?

I’ve had a few replies to this post and just wanted to come back and say I am not preaching to anyone about what they should believe/follow in the Bible. But my point is that the Bible is the word of God and if you are a Christian and believe in God then, yes, you should follow the teachings of the Bible as they are and not ignore some parts that are ‘outdated’. If you BELIEVE in God and his word then what sense does it make that you then think you know better than God and can interpret or twist his word to suit how you want to live your life. The Bible doesn’t have an expiry date on it!

Exactly.

Not everyone of any faith thinks you have to take every letter of ancient religious text literally, that would be extremely problematic . Texts are written by people in a historical and cultural context

A 2016 Barna Group study in the U.S. found that 41% of practicing Christians believe living together before marriage is a good idea, even though it goes against traditional Christian teaching. Another Pew study from 2020 said 57% of Christians think sex between unmarried adults in a committed relationship is sometimes or always acceptable.

So it seems like there’s a significant number of practicing Christians who don’t see premarital sex as incompatible with their faith. I know these surveys are American, but I think similar attitudes exist here in the UK too.

And? Good for them. They have a different interpretation of Christian religion than you do.

Well my son was baptised and I was clear to the vicar that I was unmarried, was staying that way, the father was not around and it was exactly as I had wished it, with no remorse, and he said that's fine and didn't even raise an eyebrow. So I think actually the Church has moved with the times a bit more than you think.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21. We no longer really condone stoning dunkards to death either as is advocated in the Bible. I guess when your basis is a fictional text you can pick and choose what suits you