To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

Only 2 weekends of the month. Not every weekend

OP, my son’s grandparents on one side don’t like seeing him at all. They’re very uncomfortable around our toddler. They would never pick him up from nursery. They visit him once, occasionally twice a year and it’s clearly a bit…stiff. I feel desperately sad about this.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I think people of a certain age forget how tiring the working week is. Can you just explain to your mum how tired and exhausted you and how you need to relax and snuggle him close? That said she really is obviously craving him. There must be a workaround. What about a short break together e.g Center parcs type? Would also suggest you read Alison Gopnik’s book The Carpenter & The Gardener as it made me think of grandparenthood in a whole different way.

She only lives half an hour away, yet you can't spare the time to see her more than once a month?

My DD is 45 minutes away yet we get to meet one a week on average. Sometimes it might just be for a coffee and a chat, sometimes for half a day, sometimes a whole day. Sometimes I pick one of the DGCs up from nursery or school. And no, I don't do regular childcare, but my DD and son in law still see me as an important part of their children's lives.

It seems incredibly selfish to want to keep your child entirely to yourself for the vast majority of your family time, at the expense of the grandparent/grandchild relationship.

You were definitely right in what you replied to her- but as I’ve learned getting older sometimes the harsh truth doesn’t go down well and creates more issues- especially if your mum is a little on the entitled side of saying what she wants and getting away with it!

saying that though- Sunday lunch every other weekend wouldn’t kill would it and one day you won’t have your mum- and you would have wished you did see her a little more - again from experience there.

Protecting your weekends? From her own Mother?? Fucking bizarre. She’s only half an hour away and she gets to see her grandchild every six weeks. Why can’t Granny pop round for coffee and cake at 10am on a Saturday morning and be gone by midday. Why can’t OP pop round after her very precious ‘protected’ weekend at 3pm on a Sunday and be gone by 5pm and be home for bed and bath. Why can’t they meet for Sunday lunch in a pub halfway or meet at a park.

It seems the grandparents and the child are being punished because OP works full time and no one else is allowed to see them on weekends.

Why don't you ask if she wants to take DC out of childcare every couple of weeks for a day out or to spend the day at theirs? It doesn't have to be every week then as he still has his nursery place each day, but would give him the benefit of building extended family bonds and having more experiences than just nursery every single weekday.

These years ARE precious. Granny could be gone in 5 years and she’s only allowed to see her grandchild every six weeks because OP won’t let them intrude on their weekends. I think she’s being short sighted.

You need to have a proper conversation with your mother about how you feel about being a working mother with very little time to have with your child, and her wish to have a better relationship with the the child

We are a 90 min drive from our GC. Other Grandparents have great relationships with them as living in the same town ( loads of GP as blended families ) yet we do have the children for longer periods when we do have them stay ( a week at the moment )

One set of GP.s dont work - retired - so always there for after schools etc, other grandmother is near by for overnight stays, we are here for the longer breaks - the week during the school holidays so mum and dad get a break and if given notice will move up to take care of the GKs is mum and dad need to go away themselves. Also the whole family will move in for BH;s

Sure we would love to have them in and out the house like it was theirs, but we chose to live here and not there

We have a great ( I think ) relationship with our GKs even though we see less of them then the other GPs Our time is very condensed , we pack a lot in, we live in the country and have space which none of the other GPs have so we dont have to do much to make our time special - not that we are competing, how can you compare a GM being there after school every day to a visit to the country every few weeks???

You and mum are ( I feel ) making it all about your own feelings and wants without actually talking about it

I have the same problem as OP.

My parents live just over 1 hour away. They insist on coming over for 9 hours or "it's not worth the travel". OP might have a similar experience or it might be different

You are obviously correct about why her friend has a different relationship with her gs. The comparisons must be annoying in context but that said I do think you could do a little more to help them see each other more often because she is half an hour away, that’s so close! I agree with other suggestions that she pop up some weeknights or pick your child up early some days, or why could she not join you at the zoo or whatever? If having your own mother there makes it feel so much less like family time that it isn’t ever an option on those weekends then I would think there is a separate issue with the relationship.

If you do Sunday lunch every other weekend with one Mum, then you need to also do Sunday lunch every other weekend with the other Mum too - and now immediately you have zero Sundays left to go to the zoo etc with just your own household.

Not necessarily- my mum is dead. My husbands mum doesn’t really get involved much. Everyone’s family is different.

Awww your poor mum. She wants time with him. Do the right thing before it's too late

YANBU

She wants your DS only on her own terms and has chosen to overlook the major facts of your life. She also seems to be completely unaware or unable to understand that you love your child dearly, would spend much more time with him if you didn't have to work, and seems to be thinking of him as some sort of toy - "Jane has one she borrows from his mum so why won't you let me borrow yours?"

Once every 6 weeks isn't very much, I'd say most people see grandparents about every 2 weeks? It's really up to you to decide, for me grandparents are important, it's a special relation and they're the only ones you'll have so I prioritise this. How much you value you place on family will also be something your children will notice and model in the future. Your kids are unlikely to remember trips to the zoo but will look back and remember find times with granny (assuming she's a nice granny of course!)

Nobody is under any obligation to accept something just because it's offered. That includes babysitting.

When I read the OP's first post I was put in mind of my own granny (my mum's mum). We used to go there for Sunday lunch once a month. It wasn't ok to just go for lunch though. There was a whole, quite rigid programme, same every time, involving us not leaving till about 8pm and getting home knackered and grumpy just in time to go to bed to get up for school the next day. I did ask my mum once whether we couldn't leave earlier and she looked horrified and said "but DGM would be so offended!"

DM loved her single, slightly bonkers aunt more tbh. I think she felt she "saw her" better.

My MIL also had form when DD was a baby (and before, actually) for complaining visits weren't long enough, frequent enough, and even cancelling a trip together about 6 weeks after I returned to work because "three days is hardly worth it" - they were retired, in their camper van and could have added on as many days as they liked - but sadly we had jobs to get to! DH works in education but not in a school and STILL after 20 years of that job MIL doesn't understand he doesn't get half terms off.

Some people who haven't worked for decades and decades (or in a career job ever) will just never get work life balance.

However, my own mum, despite being in that position nominally, does have a profession she is very serious about despite not needing to live on the earnings from it. She did not initially understand things like you have to book specific nursery days or lose them, and university lecturers don't get half terms, and school teachers need to be at work before most nurseries open, or there is inevitably work that flows over into evenings and weekends etc, but she paid attention and has been a terrific support over the years despite she and DD not being at all similar people.

MIL calmed down a lot once DD got older. Her other two DGD had a SAHM...

My own granny lost interest in me and DSis totally as individuals once we were no longer malleable toddlers.

It's a minefield, suit yourself. Your child is not a toy!

Sorry that was so long. Your post just really took me back. I had no idea pre birth how stressful that stuff would be.

And OP seems to be completely unaware of the depth of a grandparents love for their grandchild.

Every six weeks was the length of time between our visits to my in-laws three hours away. And we'd stay for multiple days, and we'd invite them down in between.

They're is absolutely nothing stopping OP from inviting grandma along on their days out occasionally, other than OP 's admitted selfishness in wanting to have her child entirely to herself. There's nothing stopping her suggesting a new routine of meeting for an hour's chat and coffee fortnightly, or calling at her mum's for an hour (so she can leave when she wants)

I adore my grandchildren, and I don't do regular childcare. Only seeing them, dvd my daughter, every six weeks would make me really sad though.

Actually, one of my daughters was talking about this the other day. None of her grandparents lived locally. They were 2 and 3 hours away.
She told me that she was really envious of her school friends who had family locally, and would call in at their grandparents after school (often taking my daughter along too!) She loved her 3 hours away grandparents very much and would have absolutely loved to have that pop-in-ability, that I also had as a child.

As she and I are 45 minutes apart, my grandkids also won't be able to pop by independently, but at least they know that they are welcome anytime, and it only takes a WhatsApp message and I or their parents will facilitate a visit, either as a family or by me picking them up or a parent dropping them off.

It depends on the grandma. It depends on the previous relationship.

Besides, OP's mum may just enjoy complaining.

There are plenty of "Facebook grandmas" (and grandads) who are happy to show off pictures but don't really want much of a relationship with the DGC in question and never put much thought into what the adult child would actually find supportive. My own grandma was such (pre Facebook).

My parents would be devastated to only see my DC every 6 weeks. I think OP sounds really selfish to deny her DC a relationship. I'd say most grandparents don't or can't do childcare, and still spend plenty of time together.

What these "devastated" GPs should probably educate themselves on is the intensification of work. A draining full time job requires recovery over the weekend or the person gets burnt out. The OP craves time with her baby and the GPs have only offered to take the baby away. In a couple of years things could be different. They could really help support with transition to school. They just need a tiny bit of patience.

If you steamroller reluctant people often they just withdraw.

Do you have grandchildren? I have grandchildren and I don't want to do childcare so their parents can work.
I do work but on my days off I want to do things i enjoy, not the drudgery of childcare. I've been there and done that 6 times over.

No, they haven't offered child care. They have offered babysitting which OP doesn't want or need as she doesn't want to leave her child in the evening or at weekends as she sees so little of them in the week due to working full-time.

The babysitting offer is to meet her mum's needs, not OP's.