To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

It doesn't sound as though she doesn't like her parents much. She's just fed of her mum putting pressure on her to see her grandchild more like her friend does, but totally at her mum's convenience, not OP's. Her mum doesn't want to do childcare which her friend does (and as a consequence is much closer to her grandchild) but expects OP to sacrifice precious time with her son during evenings and weekends so her mum can spend more time with her grandson.

Her mum puts her holidays and total flexibility to book last minute holidays first which is why she doesn't offer any childcare while OP is at work. OP is fine with this. OP isn't fine with seeing less of her own child during the limited time she has with him in the evenings and at weekends just to accommodate her mum's very specific need to spend as much time with her grandchild as her friend does.

No idea why you're getting such a hard time on this thread OP- your mum's comments are absolutely infuriating and I'd be having none of it. Just firmly shut down those comments every time she makes them, remind her that her friend does a day a week with her GC and she doesn't so the comparison is stupid and pointless and she'd better stop going on about it. It needs to be shut down more firmly if she's still making these comments. You're at such a hard stage of life. She and your dad should be supporting you, not laying on guilt trips and trying to arrange things to suit them.

I love my parents. We’re in daily text contact and have a generally warm and loving relationship. This thread is about something I’m finding difficult with them at the moment which is why it sounds negative - but it’s only one part of a while. I wouldn’t start a thread saying how my mum is hilarious, gave me a wonderful childhood, always has the best gossip from her village, has amazing hair, cooks better that most restaurants and countless other things because I don’t have any conflict about that.

I’m not punishing them, they see as much of DS as works for us at the moment. It’s not like I have loads of extra time which I’m withholding maliciously and would offer them if they did childcare.

And saying they can easily come for lunch every Saturday and we have the rest of time for family time really isn’t true unless you’re assuming my parents are the only other people we know. My husband also has parents who like seeing DS, we have siblings, and, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who we also like to see.

I’m sorry about the loss of your father. At the moment they’re young fit healthy retirees. Of course that doesn’t mean that nothing bad will happen, but probably not much less likely than DH and I and I can’t live my life like tragedy is just around the corner. If I knew a loved one was going to die next month I’d do things very differently than I will do now as standard, but that’s not how I can live my everyday life.

A few thoughts:

Firstly, my kids see my parents roughly once a month and they have a great relationship - I understand that posters asserting otherwise probably just haven't experienced a grandparent relationship like that but honestly that bit is fine. I saw my maternal grandparents once a year (they lived abroad) and I loved them very much and they were huge influences on me.

Secondly, I get that what you want and what your mum wants are just a bit incompatible at the moment but I wonder if it would help just to articulate that to her. I think at the moment, she thinks she is trying and you're not seeing that. Something like: "Mum, I totally understand that you want more time with DS and that's why you are offering evening/weekend babysitting. The thing is that right now that isn't what we want - it doesn't work for us - but I do get that you are making an effort. For now, perhaps you could pick him early sometimes from nursery on a day that suits? And in the future we can look at babysitting"

Thirdly - I think time will fix a lot of this. When your DS is older, you will likely bite her hand off for an overnight stay and I am guessing they don't take their holidays in school holidays so they will be up for school holiday childcare. It might be worth saying that to her

I'm reading it that you aren't happy to be back at full time work, as you don't feel you have enough time with your child yourself, so when your mum is offering to babysit or asking to see him you feel that it is eating into your time. Lots of parents don't feel the same way, and don't worry if they don't spend the entire weekend with their child. Maybe you could try and explain it to your mum this way if this is how you feel

I think your mum.wants a relationship with your DS on her terms - to see him when it suits her and to have him make a fuss of her.

I think you're being totally reasonable in your set up - I ended up going to my parents every single Sunday for lunch. This suited them, but became a bit of a chore for me, I wish I'd been better with boundaries. At least it was in their home, so I could leave afterwards!

I think you could see your parents more often, but for shorter times, eg picking him up from nursery for lunch and an afternoon with them would be ideal - even once a week, and drop him home to you after teatime. They need to put a bit of work in to build a relationship.

I think you need to cut the length of visits too - Sunday lunch shouldn't be all day, can you arrange to meet them for lunch out, and tell them you have to be gone by 2, as you're going to a friends for a birthday party?

Or suggest lunch in their home, and again, you can leave when you want to, rather than wait for them to leave your place.

I think you could take them up on some evening babysitting too - a night out with your DH would be good for you, children are wonderful, but it's good to have some couple time too.

I also find your reference to your dad dying as a way to try and make OP feel guilty about not caving in to her mum's unreasonable demands quite distasteful.

My mum died when my first child was 3 months' old but I wouldn't dream of using my experience to guilt trip posters who have a specific problem with their mum. OP is doing her best and she is allowed to set some boundaries without being accused of being mean to her mum. Her mum has made a conscious decision not to offer any childcare and OP completely accepts that decision. She can't then expect OP to bend over backwards to allow her mum to spend as much time with her son as she wants, at the expense of OP seeing even less of her son than she does already due to working full time.

OP

Just lay it at her door keep reminding her she could have had him for a whole day but she didn't want too ,if she wants to think about it fine you'll consider it

15 months is very young for a baby to be in the care of others how many hours a week ?
Possibly 7 per day 35 hours a week . Maybe baby also wants to actually see his parents and relax in his own home.

As pp said she made a choice holiday and relaxing and unfortuntly that's meant she can't have what she wants.

Just lay it at her door keep reminding her she could have had him for a whole day but she didn't want too

See I think it’s this I don’t really like, this attitude that if you don’t offer childcare then you can only expect a distant relationship with your grandchildren. There is a middle road!

@sleepyintheheat

Ops mum can't understand the correlation of her own Choices
OP has had to cut her cloth accordingly.

I would understand this if I was ops mum.

I don’t think people are saying there isn’t a middle ground, @sleepyintheheat - but @HookedOnAusten only has so many days in the week, and so many hours in each day, and as she and her dh work, they want to prioritise their time with their child when they aren’t working - which doesn’t sound unfair to me.

I hear you OP, you already have to schedule (and pay for!) full time nursery, full time work, and your social life. She wants to add another obligation for you to schedule in your free time.

If you feel so strongly why don't you work less hours? Then DC will get the best of everything, more time with you and granny

I don’t think the OP is working full time by choice but I could be wrong.

I think some grandparents will never accept being on a schedule (an agreed weekly/monthly time, it has to be on their terms. Would your mother want what she says she wants if it was not spontaneous and on her terms ? I think 'doing childcare' is an unhelpful expression. What does your mother think 'doing childcare' is and why wouldn't she do it ? Why does she think you have an obligation to give her your child but she doesn't have any obligation to help you unless it's convenient and she wants to ? All very unrealistic as are some parents who expect too much of their parents and parents in law which is the other extreme. Yes of course it would be lovely to only ever have your grandchild to dance through meadows with and not 'do childcare' but life isn't like that

But carving out time for grandparents is surely just a normal part of life.
This place honestly blows my mind at times, as I don’t recognise it from anyone I know in real life.

It's fine to explain the difference. It's never fine to expect childcare. So long as you weren't trying to shame her into looking after your child but just pointing out the different circumstances, you're good.

@HookedOnAusten has said her parents do see their grandson every four weeks or so (it is usually every four weeks but might be longer if she or they are on holiday). That does sound like ‘carving out time for grandparents’ to me.

I felt exactly the same as you, enjoy that time with your little one while you still can, they grow so fast! You might feel differently once he's a bit bigger and can communicate for himself or if you have another one and then some babysitting might be helpful, I found it was, but no rush. Incidentally my PILs said lots about taking them away in the holidays, having them over night, even, when she was still a baby, suggested our oldest come come and live with them weeknights as there's an amazing grammar school on their doorstep. It all made me a little anxious, but none of it actually materialised in the end, I think it's just how they were raised and the reality with a toddler and preschooler is a bit different to how they imagined! It depends on the kids' personality too, some are happy to be off on their own, mine would have hated it and as soon as they could talk we understood that.

4 to 6 weeks without allowing your parents to see your child is wild. They change so much at that age. Also your child being shy with his own grandparents shows he doesn't have a close bond with them. He would hardly know who they are only seeing them for that amount of time at 18 months. It really does sound like you are punishing your mother for not offering childcare.

My husband also has parents who like seeing DS, we have siblings, and, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who we also like to see

Can these visits not overlap? Can you Mum not come with your siblings? You must have a revolving door of visitors!

My parents see my son once every six weeks or so. That’s always been the case because they still work and we have our routine. My son not only recognises them but is absolutely obsessed with them - he’ll happily trot off to play with them and runs up to say hello when they arrive. This may be because my son is a particularly social kid but I think it’s mostly down to the huge amount of effort my parents put in when they see him. They totally enter his world - my dad wrestles him, my mum chases him around. He laughs almost the entire time they’re here. They made him story recordings for his Tonie box so they can ‘read’ him a story whenever he wants and they send voice notes saying hello every now and then. Seeing grandparents all the time does not mean you’ll be close to them. It is way more dependent on the effort they make with the child.

And in terms of blending groups together, that’s of course possible but whenever we do it, I feel like I’ve not spoken to anyone properly which is a shame. I’d much rather do that occasionally and have individual catch ups with my parents/siblings more often. I’m also more relaxed around my family than my PIL (they just require more traditional hosting) and it’s different just hanging out with my siblings to having my siblings and my parents around.

I think it’s important to remember that everyone’s families are different and what’s normal for you isn’t for others. If other people want to see their extended family every weekend, that’s great. But I am with OP - I need quality time with my son and husband and that means not hosting people every weekend or evening after work. And that hasn’t negatively impacted my son’s relationship with his grandparents.

@thisisfrommathilda do you work full time?

I didn't mean every week, I couldn't cope with that myself but every SIX weeks at 18 months while they change so rapidly and the fact that the child is shy with them and the Mum is just asking to see him a little bit more? Nah that's wrong in my opinion.

I do indeed. We see my parents every fortnight or so.

The thing is on average every month has four weekends. Even if we dropped one of the weekends to ourselves (which we end up doing about half the time) that’s one weekend with my parents, one weekend with DH’s parents, one weekend for us, and then only her weekend where we often do things like the zoo, or Centerparcs or visit our siblings/cousins/friends. I can’t magic up more weekend time.

Why are you writing off a whole weekend to the grandparents in your calculations, when they only live half an hour away? I went to see my grandkids and their parents this morning. I spent two hours with them, and was home by lunchtime. They had from late morning until bedtime, and all of tomorrow left available to them.

It feels like you're over-exaggerating everything to make your point sound more reasonable than it is @HookedOnAusten