Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

I know it may have been hurtful for you. But they were making an observation about his past behaviour and words in contrast to my now. DH has a couple of male friends who are pretty vain and shallow and Donahue a beyr specific type of woman. They have made it clear they are not interested in a woman who bigger than a 12. So if one of them appeared with a woman bigger I would definitely discuss this change with DH.

I think it is a bit of an overreaction. You didn't tell your BF to do it but you deciding you would never see them again was the catalyst for making the decision. He is only 22, and you could have caused irreparable damage to his relationship with his parents because you overheard a private conversation which they were acknowledging two truths: their son has said he doesn't like bigger women and you, by your own admission, are a bigger woman.

What they said was upsetting but you both should have addressed the situation rather than leaving and now blocking.

His parents won’t understand what’s happened. I fully appreciate and understand that you don’t want to see them again but he has jumped the gun with blocking.

I assume you know you are fat because you have eyes and a mirror. They didn't say anything terrible about you -- they pointed out a fact about you. And they were surprised because apparently your partner has a history of not being attracted to fat women.

If they had said it to your face it would have been a different matter. But they didn't mean to hurt you, and have done nothing wrong. You and your partner are being idiots.

That fact that you moved to be with him doesn’t have any bearing on what’s happened though.

As upset as you are, I think you need to talk to your partner and get him to unblock his parents and he just needs to let them know that you over heard the conversation and is upset by it.

Completely agree. So many people brushing this under the carpet.

I would have dropped this guy like a hot potato if his parents had called me fat. Why is it OK for them to do that?

But they haven't done anything wrong!! They were not being mean or insulting. They were saying you are not his usual type! Its like him always dating brunettes and then one day comes home with a blonde woman. And they say "He doesn't usually go for blondes" - it is not rude its an observation.

You were obviously hurt - but that was not their intention. They invited you over to stay - so they clearly wanted both of you there.

Your partner is being incredibly childish and you need to not feed it into it.

Tell him to contact his parents for goodness sakes.

People like what though?
They were having a private discussion. It sounds as though previously their son has said he likes slim women. Presumably you are not slim. Maybe that is something you should discuss with your boyfriend.
They were expressing suprise that he had changed and he was with someone who wasn't his normal type. They might have gone on to mention other things too
Have you never had a private conversation with someone about someone else that is less than complimentary? I'm sure everyone has.

I feel very sorry for these people .

Extreme overreaction by you both.
You're both being ridiculous!
They have not done anything wrong.
It's not their fault you're touchy by that subject.

How old are you??

His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again

This is ridiculous, and won't last more than a few days if that. You are either very young or very immature to think that this incident actually means your partner will never see his parents again.

How is it any different to them saying they were surprised he’s with her as she is blonde and he usually hates blonde women?

It’s an observation, he’s the one who has clearly previously said he hates fat women!

There's a very well known saying , 'Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves'.

You and your partner both sound incredibly immature OP. It would have been far more grown up of both of you to address the situation when it occurred. What happens when someone you love says something derogatory about your partner…. Will he expect you to cut them out of your life. Honestly…. get a grip.

I agree with the above. It is immature and cruel to flounce off with no explanation and follow it up with all this blocking and never seeing them again nonsense.

I hope that as a couple, you can deal with all the issues, arguments and feelings that will come up in a more measured way than this, otherwise you won't last long.

I think that a lot of the comments about fat people knowing they are fat are being a bit disingenuous. What disturbs me about this is that they said he "hates" fat women. That's a horrible thing to say. I would be questioning why they seem to apparently be ok with that attitude. Noone should "hate" a fat person. The word hate is so extreme it is not just talking about a preference is it? The parents commenting on it in that fashion sound like they are questioning why he is with a fat person as though there is nothing wrong with this hatred, not challenging him on this apparent "hatred" in the first place.

At the age he is, he might well have said something stupid and ignorant in the past. Again, I would question more the parents and why they don't see that might be complete immaturity.

So I understand the OP for being offended and not wanted that sort of unquestioning comment and attitude in her life. I also understand the shock of overhearing such a nasty conversation and needing to get away.

On the other hand, the parents learn nothing by not being challenged or told why you are upset. I would respect the boyfriend more if he talked to the parents rather than just cutting them off. He could tell them whatever his attitudes in the past, he's grown up a lot since then and realised it's not the way to be. The fact they are acting like the statements of an extremely young person are set in stone denotes, to me, that they either have similarly poor attitudes towards others on the topic, or else they are very immature themselves not to realise that people learn, grow and change.

The OP might find it beneficial to her own confidence to be able to hold her head up and state her views on this and say why she feels the way she does. There is no reason to feel ashamed. The running away and the cutting off is a kind of hiding which keeps a sense of potential shame in place. Trying to face the situation might be quite a strong thing to do. Although I acknowledge it is a hard thing to do and many of us might not be able to face our own insecurities so head on.

I think the parents should apologise. The people here saying they would comment to maybe should have a look at themselves. You shouldn't invite a person to stay and then gossip about them in the other room in a hurtful way where they could hear. If you have to gossip, at least have the grace to wait until they are safely not in your home! It's the utmost rudeness to invite someone to stay and for them to overhear that! They haven't just had a private conversation in their own home, they have meanly gossiped about a person they have invited to their own home. They have certainly not been careful at all and the casual way they've talked about it doesn't sound like they are criticising their son's past attitudes, but it might be worth at least trying to find that out.

He can't exactly like his parents very much if he's willing to block them for a comment that he didn't even hear himself, without even bothering to verify it for himself. (Not saying you're lying OP, just that if I was going to cut off a significant relation, I'd be wanting to get all the facts before hand)

I think it's far more likely that he's worried that if he did bring it up with them, that the response would be "Well you said this, this and this about fat people previously".

Honestly, I'd be finding it hard to believe he's actually blocked them. He's probably just carrying on as normal with them when you're not around to hear him.

So they have no idea what they’ve done
wrong? That’s really poor on your part.

I can tell you and your BF are very young. I find a
lot of people in their twenties are exceptionally hot-heated and touchy and can’t communicate like adults.

What they said wasn’t great, but it wasn’t actually the worst. If anything, they implied that it’s your BF who has had a problem with fat people in the past, not them!

My ex mil who is lovely once kicked me because i accidentally got sand on her sorting q towel out. I didnt block her. Infact we had a great relationship. Grow up

Frankly I think your behaviour isn’t just immature, it’s quite vile.

I dislike some of my husband’s family, but unless they did something quite extreme, blocking for life wouldn’t even cross my mind.

My son has a new girlfriend and when I saw her she wasn’t what I expected. My husband and I commented on this in private. It doesn’t mean we don’t like her or won’t accept her and if she’s good enough for my son, then she’s good enough for us and we’ll treat her like family. It was nothing more than an observation. Being fat is an observation too, not a criticism of you as a person.

I think you need to give your head a wobble, as does your boyfriend.

And I assume OP or the boyfriend have never once said anything negative about anyone. Ever.

Because otherwise they are hypocrites!

My mum once commented to me that my brother had always been in relationships with larger women. I didn’t see the problem. I used be very slim and am now a size 18 due to steroids and an injur. People have eyes and can see this is the case

And he hasn't thought he should have spoken to them about it?

Good grief

I understand you being upset about what was said, but not necessarily with them. Unless they were using derogatory language about you, were they just not being honest in the privacy of their kitchen. I do not understand on any level why a son would go NC with his parents over this - especially as you're a new girlfriend. Seems dramatic, childish and OTT. I wonder if this overreaction is his way, and yours of not addressing the issue (if what they said is true) - which is, has he always said he hates fat women? In which case, as you are overweight, why are you together?

Both of you are over reacting and this is not worthy of him ending a relationship with his parents over. If you are fat, and he previously had negatively spoken of fat people, they’ve done nothing but state a fact when they thought they were afforded privacy and were in their own home. The problem here is your own issues around your weight and how you feel about yourself. You need to take this as an opportunity to do some work on your self esteem and self acceptance before your issues ruin other relationships.

I'm sorry to hear you've experienced this. I had a very similar experience myself years ago.

I stayed at a former bf home for the first time. I was the first person to ever be taken home to meet the parents because he felt his mother might be a problem (I thought surely she can't be that bad...OMG I was so wrong!)

Like you I overheard the parents arguing in the kitchen about how thin I was and how the mother didn't want me for her son in case he were to get anorexia. Unbelievable. I was naturally thin and so hurt by the comments made and the fact they couldn't even wait until I'd left to go home. So rude! But given they were so rude I actually confronted the mother after I'd politely thanked her for my stay about what I'd overheard. She was very taken back by my directness, but felt it had to be done to clear my name.

Ultimately, as a result the outcome for our relationship did not fair well. In some respects I consider I had a lucky escape (not from him, but getting an awful MIL.)

So for you his parents do ask why they've been blocked, do not be afraid to tell them...Because in truth it says alot more about them, than it does you. Good luck x

Absolutely this, huge red flag actually on both you and your partner for this.
You with the huge temper tantrum and flouncing dramatics of I NEVER WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM AGAIN!!! 😭😭😭
And him for not actually speaking to them to verify what/if this was said, and ready to never see his parents again because of your temper tantrum.
@ninetyninedays he's 22 how old are you?..

It's very possible his parents have form for being pretty difficult. It's possible they landed him in it on purpose. It's possible his extreme knee jerk reaction reflects long standing difficulties with their behaviour.

If I really had to bitch like this about my son's GF - ( I wouldn't), I would not do it when they're both there ffs. It feels deliberately undermining and infantalising their son.