Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

The grown up thing to do would be to tell them you heard and were hurt, and accept any apology they offer and make amends. It is madness to expect him never to speak to his own parents again because they made a single unkind remark.

This is nuts of you and your partner OP! Seriously!

His parents were having a private conversation. Yes, its not nice to have heard it, but do you honestly never say a few things about other people to close friends/family/partner that you wouldn't say to their face? Because me and DH do it all the time! It's normal! We'd never say it to people's faces because we're polite people, but I'm also a realist and know that DH's parents etc. probably say things about me. But its fine.

I genuinely can't believe you guys left without saying anything. It's like a pre-teen stropping off in a huff and being all silent treatment for attention. Grow up.

@Mrsttcno1

How is it any different to them saying they were surprised he’s with her as she is blonde and he usually hates blonde women?
It’s an observation, he’s the one who has clearly previously said he hates fat women!

It's not different. I wouldn't want to be with anyone whose family made the same comments about blonde women either.

I wouldn't want to be with someone whose family are shallow and obsessed with simplistic and superficial elements of a person's life. That's the whole point. You'd constantly be thinking that your looks were a more important consideration than anything else. There's clearly no room in these people's lives to give thought to more significant elements of a person's character or personality. They just think about the skin deep things. It's judgmental and stupid.

I agree the OP and her partner shouldn't have flounced and blocked; the parents deserved an explanation. But I would not be compatible with people like this so I'd know there wasn't a future in it.

You both sound incredibly immature and there are more red flags in your behaviour OP than on a May Day parade!

Please tell us how old you are?

You seem to have jumped into all consuming relationship very quickly and dropped all your family and friends and now you're falling out and blocking his parents, you seem to be the common denominator here, you!

Wow nuts indeed.

Wait till OP figures out that it's her 'DP' that has negative opinions about fat women and not his parents. That'll scramble her mind a bit.

I will assume this post is real. I'm having a hard time believing it tbh.

I'd be more annoyed that my partner had said something so shallow as hating fat women in the past than I would with the parents for having a private conversation.

I get it's awkward and embarrassing and hurtful, but you have both hugely overreacted I'm afraid.

I'm guessing you're quite young, perhaps with the hindsight of age (dare I saw wisdom?!) posters on here are able to see things more clearly.

Why is your partner being punished too. Surely the best thing would be for him to speak to his parents about what you heard, explain how much he loves you as you are and ask the to sincerely apologise to you. Then you can all move on. It was inconsiderate of them to have this conversation while you were still in their house but they were just expressing an opinion in a private conversation albeit carelessly, and you now know that opinion. I think eventually your partner will want to see his parents and you will be the one who loses out if you insist on going no contact

How do you know the family are shallow?

Maybe DP has made loads of awful comments about fat women before, so they were genuinely shocked and it was therefore front of mind.

In the same way you might be surprised to see a racist person being home someone of a different ethnicity.

so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said

Got away with WHAT?! They made an observation that he has always had a "type" and now that's changed. I am deeply sensitive to comments about my size and weight due to years of bullying and abuse and I am completely confused as to why this is a problem.

You're right, he is an adult and can make his own decisions but feeling that with deciding you can't possibly ever see them again due to this apparent awful conversation is vastly fucking unfair. Grow up

@ninetyninedays i think he was waiting for a reason to block them. This has been the final straw for him and it’s something he can give permission to someone else to do it for him so it’s not come from him. My DH keeps doing the same wanting to use my reasons to block his parents so it’s not him but me so he can get his head around it.

Well now they’ll definitely have doubts about your relationship now ! It would have been far more adult to have called them out and cleared the air.
Calling someone fat isn’t kind at all but you did walk in on their private conservation - they didn’t say this to your face
Are you saying that you are not overweight and they are being nasty or are you upset because his parents have indicated that his son might not be into larger women and this has left you feeling insecure ?
Blocking his parents is cruel and childish , you both need to grow up and communicate better . Try unblocking and explaining to them why you were so hurt

Would you cut off your own parents if your boyfriend overheard them privately saying that he wasn't your usual type?

I don't really understand what the OP's problem is with the parents? If they were just mentioning to each other something that their son had said in the past what is the problem with that? The problem is surely with the young man who reportedly expressed that he "hates" a certain type of people. That's what you need to be addressing and getting angry about. Does he admit that he said this? If so, I would be digging into that with him and finding out what other categories of people he "hates" before I consider continuing the relationship.

Yes I think this was a massive overreaction. It was something you weren’t supposed to hear, and I understand why hearing it was upsetting, but they were simply stating a fact, not saying they didn’t like you or anything.

There must be bad history between them because absolutely no one of 22 would block their parents and never see or speak to them ever again (for the next forty odd years) over this.

From what the OP say, the parents weren't 'calling her fat'. At no point did OP say that they said to her something along the lines of 'my god, you're fat'.

They were having a private conversation between the two of them that wasn't intended for the OP ears, but she was eaves dropping apparently, and over heard one of them saying that they were surprised because their son, her boyfriend, had said in the past that he 'hated fat women'.

Yes, it was tactless and unwise to have the conversation while OP was in their house but it's not really the same thing as 'calling' someone fat.

Blocking his parents without explanation is childish and will probably come between you and your partner eventually.
Yes it was hurtful to you and they shouldn’t have said it but your reaction is extreme.
You should both go and see them and clear the air and try to mend the relationship between the four of you.
If you’re not prepared to try it suggests a big red flag on your personality.

Most posters, including you, are being very disingenuous. Tall is a factual and neutral description of someone's height. Fat may be factual, but it certainly isn't neutral and it has huge baggage attached to it. Fat is pretty much always meant as an insult and a derogatory description of someone's appearance. It certainly isn't meant as a compliment.

It should be OP's boyfriend that tells them why he's blocked them. OP didn't tell him to block them so it isn't really her responsibility, given how rude and tactless they were. They could have waited until OP and her boyfriend were out of the house before having that conversation.

I just can't imagine blocking my parents and never speaking to them over something like this. Does your partner actually hate them and this was just the final straw? That would be slightly less weird.

You sound extremely controlling. Just because you've given your life up to be with your partner, it doesn't mean he has to do the same for you, so there's just the two of you with no friends and family between you. This all sounds very toxic.

A huge overreaction from you both.

Your behaviour seems like emotional blackmail. If you are overweight/fat you must know this, and you need to deal with grown up strategies to deal with people's negativity - not behaving like a child and expecting your boyfriend to cut off his parents - who were expressing a private opinion, not talking to you.

Yes, being bullied is horrible. But - speaking as someone bullied throughout her childhood (for my ethnicity not my size) you have to find ways of getting over it, or retaliating, or just ignoring it.

A child can't do these things, but as an adult you can do these things. Do you REALLY want bullying to control you for the rest of your life???

Maybe some counselling to learn strategies to counter such negative views from others would help? It might be a very kind & generous gift to yourself to try to heal your inner child's pain. But just leaving & never seeing them again is not a productive strategy.

If the pair of you are both 22 or younger then the chances of this relationship lasting for the long term is not high in any case in my experience.

How old are you?

If the bf had never mentioned his distaste in the first place the parents probably would never have commented privately amongst themselves. They were making an observation based purely on their son’s previous opinion.

Sounds really immature to stomp off and block them. As if at the age of 22 you are never going to speak to your parents again for saying a girlfriend of only a year is more overweight than girls you’d usually go for.

My MIL said when I first met her ‘You’re very blonde young lady! (I was 30) Michael’s last girlfriend was brunette, don’t go too blonde!!’ I just thought ‘what a silly old cunt’ but I said ‘oh no, don’t worry I won’t.

You weren’t meant to hear it, we all say things in private we wouldn’t say to people’s face.

1. Were they stating a fact? Grow up.

1. They were certainly correct if they thought no good would come of their son's new partner.

1. If you encouraged him to block and stop contact then I hope one day, you have a child that does the same to you.