Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

Youve moved to his town giving up your whole life and haven’t been together even a year?

Hes cut his parents off for someone he’s been with less than a year?

You’re 22?

None of this is sounding like it’s going to be your forever relationship i’m afraid…

I think you’re both being very immature and somewhat cruel not to explain your sudden departure and blocking. At least explain why. If your BF won’t, tell them then I think, as you’re the one who heard them, should let them know.

they weren't saying they didn’t like your appearance, they were saying they didn’t think their DS would have liked you. I bet he’s now really, really embarrassed because it’s true.

Replace fat with ginger or freckly, then reassess your response. This kneejerk fleeing is very like the Megsy/Harry retreat to Canada.

Childish hysteria.

Unblock the parents, send a message " thanks for inviting me and for your hospitality. Unfortunately I overheard a conversation that made me feel... (insert) and decided to return home. "

It was hurtful to hear but they weren't making any judgement on you at all. I think a conversation with them and letting them know you overheard would have been a better option. You're hurt but don't need to be mad at anyone.

You've only known this man for a year OP and he's willing to cut his parents off for what you heard them say in a private conversation during which they repeated something he has, in the past, said to them himself,

Doesn't really auger well for your future together if he can discard his parents so easily, does it? He's still young, he might change his mind next week.

And how are either of you going to keep a relationship going with such an attitude?

You both sound ridiculously immature and dramatic.

So he is an immature 22 and you are….. 13 and three-quarters?

when do you both expect to graduate from Kindergarten, @ninetyninedays ?

(I doubt any of this happened…)

I wouldn't want to be with someone whose parents were going to judge me for being ginger or freckly either. Or anything else pertaining to my physical appearance.

I agree that the OP and her partner should provide an explanation to the parents as opposed to dropping them cold. But I wouldn't see a future with anyone who came from a family like this.

Wanted to add, there's nothing wrong with him preferring a certain body type before. My DP's exes were all pretty much the same body type, very slim and shortish height as he's not particularly tall. I'm tall and curvy. My exes were generally tall and muscular, he's as I say not tall and has a slim build. Physical preferences don't matter when you fall in love with the person for who they are. He's obviously worried about upsetting you because he cares about you, but he actually hasn't done anything wrong by having a 'type' before meeting you.

This is the most ridiculous and OTT thing I have read on MN in a long long time. Did you never get told as a child that people who eavesdrop seldom hear positive things? What they said migh tnot have been kind, but it was a private conversation between a couple who have, presumably, been together a long time. You should not have been listening, and you certainly should not be taking it as such an offense. And your boyfriend shold 100% not be cutting off his parents for such a comment.

You should base your relationship with his parents on how they act and behave TOWARDS you, not things they may have said in private.

But you and he are very young so this sort of ridiculous response is not entirely bizarre. I'd strongly recommend you get over it asap.

You at least HAVE to tell them why you’ve blocked them! Can you imagine how they will be feeling right now?

also- forgive me if this is wrong, but surely fat is just a description. Would you feel the same if they’d said ‘he always hated tall girls so it’s a surprise’??

Come on, OP. They were saying in effect that you have something special, being the only large woman their son has ever fallen in love with.
And you think they ‘got away with it’, being deserted by their son and not even knowing why?
If this is not a wind up, ask him to phone immediately and explain.

You say they'll have no idea why they've been blocked, but do you think they might have guessed?

This
They were having a private conversation about something their son has told them.
I'd be more annoyed that my BF was so shallow that he had said this to them in the first place, why aren't you blocking him, he said it first!

Aw OP, it's really insensitive and poor behaviour from them. If they wanted to talk about your weight they should have waited until you weren't there. What we aren't going to hear isn't going to hurt us. They sound shitty to me.

You can't tell him what to do really . He's a grown man.

The mature thing as a supporter of you, is to unblock ( blocking is a bit much and feels very immature here). Unblock and message then saying the truth ' GF overhead you saying this about her weight and my preference for people who are slimmer than her. That was so inappropriate to say with us both staying under your roof. I'm uncomfortable about why you would do that. And (gf) is obviously really hurt by it'.

This is what I would do in this situation. And their response says everything.

But you shouldn't really be telling your partner what to say to his own parents tbh. He's an adult after all.

For all posters - we don't know enough about the parents and their history. He may have had a lifetime of CF behaviour from them.

I don't like the sound of them saying what they did, with you both there staying. I hope it wasn't actually intentional to purposely land him in it. I'd ask him more about his history with his parents tbh. I don't see them as the poor victims in this.

Exactly. If you are fat you are fat it's a fact

This may be hurtful but they were commenting on a fact. For example, I am quite short, so it would not be surprising if someone commented on that in that type of context.

your partners parents shouldn’t have said what they said but him blocking his parents is unbelievably harsh and cruel.Lets hope when you have kids one day that they never end up blocking you.

This sounds cruel but it’s absolutely true. Just because we don’t hear things doesn’t mean they’re not said. I always think this when I read that someone has overheard something negative about one’s self.

If we were able to be privy to every critical thing that has ever been said about us and we blocked those who made the comments, I think all of us would be living very isolated and unhappy lives.

My parents never said a word to me, or to DH. But I know them. And I know 100% that when I met now DH, they would have had concerns because of his profession and long-term prospects. They would never have said such a thing to his face. They have never been anything but welcoming and loving towards him and he enjoys a lovely relationship. I know, that his profession is still something they'r enot wild about. I also know that they value him for the many many reasons he is a wonderful man and the man I married.

Does that mean they never, privately, between the two of them, discussed it? Of course not. But neither me nor Dh have ever been privy to those conversations.

OP, have you never said anything about anyone that you would hesitate to say to,their face, or would be embarrassed about if it were overheard? Your BF is 22 - that’s well young to cut himself off from his parents. What happens when his parents come round to find out why he isn’t answering their calls or texts? So you’re a bigger girl, and your BF has previously dated slimmer women - and what? His parents aren't supposed to notice? I doubt they care very much: they were just expressing an opinion in what they thought was the privacy of their own kitchen. Were you not told as a child that listeners never hear good of themselves? I think you have massively over-reacted, and you will live to regret causing your BF to cut off his parents - for heaven’s sake, be the bigger person and tell him that of course you don’t want him to cut himself off from them - and if you want a relationship with this chap, swallow your pride and carry on as normal. If you are intending staying with him for any length if time, do you really want him to have no family at your wedding? Are you prepared to deny your DC a set of grandparents for one remark not even addressed to you? If a friend of mine told me that their GF had caused them to go NC with their parents because of one overheard remark, I’d think the less of the GF - and would not be surprised if that particular relationship fell by the wayside.

This is a massive over reaction on all accounts,

To leave without saying anything? To block with no explanation? To cut his PARENTS off for an ill advised comment made in private.

I understand it was hurtful but they did not call you fat. They were having a private conversation which was unkind but hardly the crime of the century.

Your boyfriend needs to unblock them right now, apologise for over reacting and explain what you heard. You had the moral high ground OP, you could have told them what you heard and they would have probably felt mortified and dreadful - but by behaving so childishly and cruelly yourself means you arw now the ones who owe the apology.

I can't believe this is real. It was a hurtful thing to overhear, I grant you, but you and your partner sound about 6 years old, you for saying you'll never see them again and him for blocking his parents.

Reading the replies on here is actually what's insane. Not OP.

We know that calling your son's girlfriend fat whilst both are staying under your roof is low grade behaviour. Even if OP is the size of a house, it doesn't matter. You don't do it.

And people on here are blaming OP for eavesdropping. Give me strength.

What you heard is hurtful but your dp has completely overreacted and I'm wondering why he doesn't want you to speak to them about it.

Why does his parents think he has this opinion?

Maybe he's said a load of stupid stuff and he's now embarrassed, and doesn't want you to find out what he said.

Exactly!

This is totally ridiculous