Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

I can understand why you would feel hurt by this and I do think they should have been much more careful. Most of us would have been hurt. I am an overweight lady and have suffered public insults over it.

However, I think you have seriously overreacted here unless there is a lot more history between your partner and his parents than you have given. A conversation should have been had and you certainly shouldn't have just snuck away without explanation and blocked them. That is far too melodramatic and drastic.

They probably don't even know that you overheard, or what the issue is. They have not been given the opportunity to know what they have done, work things through or apologise.

Your partner needs to unblock and call them right away to have an adult conversation. He can say that he doesn't wish to hear that any such comments have been made again. They will probably be embarrassed and are likely to apologise. I've stuck up for my DH to my parents before, many years ago in the early days of our relationship (married for 32 years now). I definitely didn't cut them off because they expressed some doubts, just made it clear that I wouldn't be listening and they (reluctantly at the time) did actually drop it. DH did the same for me as and when necessary.

They were mean to talk about you and careless to do so when you were close by. You and your partner are massively overreacting by cutting them out.

and will never know because they’ll never see us again

Do you honestly think he's never going to see his parents again?

He's 22, clearly immature and has panicked because he'll have quite likely been vocal about his size preference previously and doesn't want you to know that, which is why he's been so quick to block.

The whole thing is ridiculous and you're completely naive to think that he's never going to see his family again. Even worse that you support it, it's a parents nightmare for their child to partner up with someone who doesn't care about their relationship with the child they've loved and raised.

Not giving them a reason why they will 'never' see their son again is cruel. They haven't 'got away' with anything.

I am so sorry you heard that🙈
but we all say things behind closed doors that you would never say to someone’s face. Yes they should have been totally called out for it. But it may be a fact that he has always gone out with skinny people and had a type and his parents then may be surprised and just talking amongst themselves. (I have never been skinny btw). The adult thing would be for your partner to say you were leaving because you were upset as your over heard what they said. It was fine to leave but they could have apologised and you could have accepted it. You probably never be best friends with them but for their son never to speak to them again is a bit much.

I was just thinking what nonsensical response that was!!

Are you both 5?

Exactly. What has he said before. Had he been so harsh and demeaning of fat women that their shock reflects that? It’s not their own opinion, it’s shock that he’s changed his.

The fact he blocked his parents and doesn’t want to discuss it is the red flag here. He doesn’t want his parents telling you what he’s said in the past that made them comment on his change of tune.

This all feels extremely intense op.

You've left your entire support network to move far away with a man you've known less than a year, and he's instantly blocked and dropped his parents over one comment? That's a major red flag to me.

I also think this gives an air of immaturity and problems with communication. He should have challenged them but my bigger worry is that they haven't actually criticised you. Being fat isn't a criticism - it's just a fact, like being ginger or blonde. And I say that as a fat person. The fact they are surprised he's dating you isn't a reflection on you, but a reflection on how he's spoken about or acted towards fat women before and that's very worrying. They weren't criticising you, they were criticising him and his morality.

I'm wondering if there's love bombing and narcissism happening here and I'd be treading very carefully as you've left yourself in a vulnerable position. I would really worry that his quickness to block and drop is how he handles conflict- so how is he going to treat YOU when you and him have conflict. Is he just going to disappear or shut down or worse? Is he going to start treating you badly about your weight once he feels more secure in the relationship and can drop a pretence? Presumably a reasonable amount of the time you've been together has been long distance so very easy for him to act nice when you're not together as often.

You need to listen very carefully to his actions not his words going forwards and make sure you have the means to leave if you need to.

I'm very sorry you overhead that but leaving without saying anything and blocking them seems very wrong.
They weren't trying to hurt you they were saying something about their son.
People say things like this all the time. Yes it's hurtful but why didn't you all have a discussion about it?
If they are nice people and they have always had a good relationship with their son then blocking them is extreme. And I would be concerned about a man willing to behave like that towards his own parents

I agree that this is a complete over-reaction. Ok, it can’t have been very nice to hear, but they weren’t nasty about you and if you are overweight (as I am) presumably you knew that already.

If they had been awful all the way through your visit, that would be one thing, but until you overheard their conversation you were having a lovely time.

If I overheard someone commenting on my weight I would brush it off by saying something like “no, he didn’t like big women before, but that was before he met me”. They would probably be embarrassed that you had overheard and would apologise and all would be fine. You are obviously sensitive about your weight but I think you are letting that cloud your judgement.

Hhmm, I think you're both being quite childish. Of course that was hurtful to hear but saying you don't want to be around people like that is likely to be a bit hypocritical, in the sense that it suggests you have never once said anything about someone that they wouldn't like to hear. They didn't say something mean to you, they discussed something that was more about him than you.

If he's willing to cut his parents off that easily I wouldn't feel massively secure in my position as newish girlfriend.

This 100%

I'm actually inclined to side with the OP on this.

Yes it's a very dramatic escalation on the boyfriend's part to block his parents.

But the reality is, whatever the circumstances were in which you picked up this information, that these are shallow people who are primarily interested in looks.

I wouldn't want anything to do with them either. I wouldn't want to be in a room with people who considered me inferior because of my body mass. I wouldn't want to be around people for whom this is the most important consideration in their son's life partner. It may have been a conversation the OP wasn't intended to hear but it reveals that they are arseholes. If you took your relationship to the next step you would constantly be looking over your shoulder, worrying about your weight and also looking down on them for being shallow idiots.

You can't control what he does and he was silly to flounce at them in the way he did. I would maybe have confronted them rather than insisting you wouldn't see them so at least they had an explanation.

But I wouldn't want anything to do with them either.

I think you both have overreacted. Sounds like an immature reaction from both of you. But you seem to be young so it’s understandable.

If you were my daughter, telling me this story I’d be concerned about your relationship with someone who is so fast to sever conditions with family, and worry what he’d be doing next. Will it be your family he’s cutting off next?

You overheard a private conversation, although hurtful, that wasn’t meant for your ears. It could have been oh, surprised Kevins brought a brunette home all previous girlfriends were redheads…If you are in fact overweight, they’ve only expressed facts, not said you were awfully irritating or had a horrible personality. I’d be looking to mend bridges before more damage is done.

I think he's blocked them so you don't find out what they said is true - otherwise it is an insane overreaction.

A very upsetting experience for you OP, but I agree with many PP:
This started with your Bf. All they did, going by your report of the event, was to comment on his opinions.

Maybe he is overreacting because he feels guilty.

I would have an honest talk with your Bf and ask him to explain his own beliefs and feelings. In any case, he has obviously discovered that his attraction and affection is not based on prejudices.

Then he needs to talk to his parents. In his shoes I would explain that you had overheard, and why you and he were upset, but realise that running and blocking was not the best reaction. And take it from there.

Here's a fact. Your parents have commented on your weight. Your uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins have commented to each other, or at a minimum privately noted that you are overweight. Every colleague has noticed and possibly commented. So have your friends, every one of them. Every person close to you has at some point or another noticed that you are overweight. Most have commented, whether in a concerned way or a mean way or a factual way.

You need to accept this. People do not become blind because you want them to be.

I am surprised by people’s reactions. I think it’s very mean to talk about your child’s partner like that. I am not English but I hate that everyone bitches behind each others backs in this country and considers it normal. Blocking seems a but much but that’s his decision and it’s good he is standing up for you

I would tell them exactly why you left and that you’d heard what they said about you but I’d not expect my partner to block them forever but I’d have nothing to do with them again.

He’s blocked them? That’s a totally crazy reaction. Huge red flag.

I actually can't believe the immaturity of you and your BF.

You both lack emotional intelligence and both of you have completely overreacted.

What they said - a private conversation - between the 2 of them - in their own home - was unfortunatetwhat you heard it. It could have been quite a factual conversation, do they know you were bullied because of your weight?

I have said not very nice things about people who I love most in the world to my DH. That's what we do - we are each other's safe space. I tell him things I wouldn't dream of saying 'out loud.'

I strongly advise that your BF should talk to his DPs, tell them how upset you were and your troubles in the past. Give them a chance to apologise, learn from this and then you can all move forward.

Please do not get entrenched in your position of 'never seeing them again'

Did that not concern you? His parents call you fat, so he just instantly says that he will never see or speak to them again, not even to tell them that he’s cutting them off and to explain why? I mean, I don’t believe it will stick, but that’s an insane thing for him to do.

100% agree with this. They’re assholes for saying it, even thinking it. They should be happy for their sons happiness. Especially saying this when they know you’re in the house. Sound like horrible people to me, my parents would never

crazy!