Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

This has to be a joke.
You overhear a private conversation between the parents of your 22 year old boyfriend, simply saying they are surprised as you are not his usual type........ie much bigger than his usual type......you both then run off & he blocks his parents for a private conversation that you listened to while eavesdropping ?

This is utter tosh .

So you’ve overreacted and made some blatantly manipulative comment about not ‘wanting to know people like that’ about his parents and your partner has blocked them? Unless there is more to the story he sounds like a right fawning wet lettuce and you deserve each other. I appreciate you were upset and they should have kept their conversation until you left but try to keep some sense of proportion.

I think you must be able to avoid them in future but your partner should do as he wishes. I understand it would have been hurtful but you kind of need to be the better person and try and get over it..sorry OP.

This is an immature reaction. Grow up.

I overheard my MIL say this about me too. She’s right, I am fat. But she is from a certain generation and whilst it was extremely rude, she didn’t mean any malice. Turns out, she actually quite likes me.
It’s ridiculous for you to allow your partner not to see his parents because you don’t want to. You need to grow up and help mend this relationship asap. Like adults

That was a bit drastic, you are both very young to be making life changing decisions.

A childhood into adulthood and one likely true comment that you don’t like and you’ll
let them blow the whole thing apart.

Is this even true!?

I can totally understand that you are hurt but from what you've said there is nothing that makes them sound like horrible people unless they laughed or sniggered or their words dripped with disgust when they said fat. Maybe they were surprised but happy that their son had become less shallow. Also, fat isn't a polite word and it can be used in a very nasty way but in this case it doesnt necessarily sound like something super negative. I'm fat. I find it quite offensive that you think mentioning that someone is fat is so terrible that you never want to talk to them again.

You are obviously very insecure about your weight but it's a massive over reaction to stop speaking to someone because of that. They are a married couple. They had a private conversation. I'd never police what people who are obviously very close to each other say.

I'd also echo that your boyfriend cutting contact after this non event is a massive red flag. Will he always solve every problem with a sledge hammer? Is he incapable of having a normal discussion when something troubles him?

If this post is real I have to say I get a very bad feeling about you two. You sound unhinged. I wouldn't be able to trust someone who stops talking to their family or prospective family over something so minor.

In recent weeks there have been so many threads with odd immature posts from the OP. And here we have another one.

Yes they weren't nice but you are going to need thicker skin if this type of behaviour /chat bothers you this much OP (My MIL poked my belly 7 months ago and called me podgy om a couple of occasions - people are rude, they will not get a rise out of me) No one is saying its acceptable but the response is over the top and serves very little purpose especially as the parents don't even know what they have done wrong!

OP has disappeared probably because the thread is filled with responses they don't like. I hope you are reading them though.

I understand you were hurt by his parents comments but the mature thing to do was both of you or him to discuss it with them

I think you need to work on your own insecurities if you are overweight it could be that he hadn't previously dated someone overweight before not his usual type so they were surprised and just commenting on that between themselves

I think his blocking his parents is a massive overreaction and red flag and I would be concerned especially if you have moved into his house that he may overreact if you have disagreement you might be next on his blocked list and be out on the streets

@ninetyninedays - I would say you should always try to imagine how you might feel if the situation was reversed.

Your future child cutting all contact with you, because their partner overheard you saying something hurtful. You would be devastated, wouldn’t you? You would want to apologise and make amends.

You obviously feel that your partner’s parents deserve this ‘punishment’, which is unbelievably cruel.

His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.

I don't understand what they need to be held accountable for? They have done nothing wrong.

Having been fat shamed myself. I do understand how this feels. But they are his parents and unless.there are other issues that have arisen. I would not cut them out of your lives. At some point this will come back to haunt you. If you live away from them you could reduce contact? X

Yes-it's likely lots of people say stuff like that. And no, it's not ok. But it would mean that you'd have to cut lots of people out. If his parents believe what they've said, they are only stating a fact, just as, "he's never dated anyone who had kids/does that job/drives badly", meaning the problem is also with him-if they genuinely believe he thinks "fat". They were stating what they think HIS views are-now it could be that he used to discriminate, or that they think he did. And again, fat-shaming is not ok.
When I put on weight (obviously not pregnant), one person was chatting away about me putting on weight to the in-laws. Not my problem, or their business! If I'd felt unhappy or unhealthy, that was up to me to deal with, not them.

That didn't take you long did it. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else.

Let go of the guilt you’re feeling because:

1. Respectfully it sounds like he blocked them impulsively based on you saying you want no contact, so unless there are any other issues and this situation was the icing on the cake, this won’t last
2. his parents were rude to you. Doesn’t matter you weren’t meant to overhear, you did hear and that’s not something to let go or brush over. You’re not being childish for being upset they are judging you for being fat
3. your boyfriend is suss here as well (sorry). His parents after all were speaking about his attitudes towards fat people and they were likely telling the truth. Is his fat phobia still present within him? What was he saying or doing previously that his feelings were so well known by his parents? That’s definitely a red flag and there’s no point him cutting off his parents when he’s likely a whole problem too.

What kind of mean girl advice is this?

Quite.

What you didn't hear his parents say is that they hate fat women – just that their understanding of their son is that he does.

And so now their son has cut them off, for that? For not saying anything hateful about you but just for reflecting on the attitudes they understood their son to have? And you're ok with your partner doing that? And in fact you want them punished further, merely for reflecting (when they thought they were having a private conversation) on their understanding of what their son's particular tastes in women are.

At best, you and your partner are ridiculous. At worse, he is horribly punishing towards his parents (possibly a warning for you there) and you are vindictively supportive of that.

The f**ked up people here are you and your partner, not his parents.

Obviously, he'll keep talking to his parents, he just reacted impulsively. It's not in any way a reason to cut them off, and he won't do that once the dust settles.

They're allowed their opinions, though it was a bit daft of them to discuss you while you were right in the house, and not polite obviously.

I think you are reacting because you do hate being fat, and as you feel you cannot change that are using them as the scapegoat. You're also obviously wondering if they are right and if he will finish with you over your weight.

Honest advice - tell him you were upset and shocked by it but that it's not right that he blocks his parents. Don't ask him to say anything at all to them beyond a simple explanation, the marching out unnanounced and blocking was by far punishment enough. Move on from all of it as best you can, and hope this overreaction has not permanently soured their relationship with you.

He's 22 so I am assuming you are a similar age. It is unlikely you will still be together in a couple of years anyway, so try not to dwell on his relationship with his parents or worry about them too much at all.

Then work on your own feelings of self worth, whether that looks like radical self acceptance or losing weight or however that works for you.

What should she have told the parents to at least wait before she left to discuss her ‘looks’?

While blocking them sounds extreme, I think his parents sound very immature. They couldn’t have a bit of self control to wait until you left before talking about your weight.

Also regarding your bf blocking them, could it be he is upset for them speaking so casually about his preference when you could be in earshot? What I mean could he be upset for him getting in trouble with you than over your feelings getting hurt?

Did you ask your bf if he hated overweight women before?

I think you are being very very silly to think he will never see his parents again over this..
I'd be very disappointed if you encouraged it.
They made a comment that they were surprised about you and his type. So what? They have known him longer and clearly they had reason to believe he didn't like or fancy heavier women. That's on him not them! You are directing anger at them wrongly. Wise up!

How do you know this?

I think they deserve at least a conversation