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AIBU?

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Original poster

Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

802 replies

ninetyninedays · 04/07/2025 14:09

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

  1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

  2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

  3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
    My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

OP posts:
marmiteandcheeseoncrumpetspls · 04/07/2025 18:58

If they had said ' I'm surprised he's with ninetyninedays as he hates blondes/brunettes/gingers' (delete as appropriate) would you be equally as upset?
May be you are uncomfortable about your size so the comment stung more.
I definitely would have let them know I had heard. However I accept that as a 22 year old (or similar, going on the age of your BF) this is harder to do.

Growlybear83 · 04/07/2025 18:58

I’m sure it was very hurtful overhearing what your partner’s parents said, but you listened to a private conversation and I’m stunned by the way you’ve over reacted. You actually left without even telling g his parents that you were going or why? People are allowed to express their views about other people, and the parents did so, thinking that they were talking in private without you earwigging their private conversation. They were discussing their son’s girlfriend so of course they’re going to comment on your appearance if you are very different to the type of woman he would usually choose. Were you so angry because what they said was inaccurate and you’re not overweight, or were they being truthful and they touched a nerve? I can’t believe your partner went along with cutting his parents out of his life for a comment that you were not intended to hear.

weirdoboelady · 04/07/2025 18:59

May I just suggest something? I've read all your posts, OP, but not the whole thread.

You didn't hear the whole conversation. Yes, you are sensitive about your size and/or weight. But you heard A BIT of a conversation. For all you know (I assume) this could have been in the context of saying how lovely you are, and more or less praising their son for overcoming what had been a stupid restriction that he applied when choosing GF in the past.

I'm probably wrong about some aspects of this, but I hope this possibility will help you and DP to understand why it is possible you do talk to his parents about this, rather than just blocking them. Good luck!

Miyagi99 · 04/07/2025 18:59

They were rude but they shouldn’t be blocked, I can imagine my partner’s parents saying this about me (I’ve just not been unlucky enough to hear them) and I love them, it’s just they’re all skinny minnies!

RungarrTown · 04/07/2025 19:00

You put this excellently. Just got stuck on this thread but that puts it all in the perspective I was wishing to portray to OP.

weirdoboelady · 04/07/2025 19:01

important, not possible, in the post 2 above. Internet and MN glitchy here so I can't edit.

Heresmycontroversialopinion · 04/07/2025 19:01

Jesus, your partner needs to run very, very far from
you very quickly.

columnatedruinsdomino · 04/07/2025 19:02

He blocked them without asking them about it? You could be making it up for all he knows just to see his reaction!

He needs to tell his parents why you both walked out without saying a word. I feel like they're owed an apology for such an overreaction.

And you think they got away with it? Their own son isn't talking to them!

justasking111 · 04/07/2025 19:12

Please unblock them because this could bite you one day when he blames you for cutting ties with his parents.

Yes you're fat, you're not happy about it so sensitive. You could have overheard anyone saying this, anywhere. Friends, relations, strangers in the street.

RealEagle · 04/07/2025 19:19

Unblock them fgs.

5128gap · 04/07/2025 19:19

Big red flag that a man would cut off his parents for being accidently overheard commenting on HIS expressed views.
His parents didn't say anything derogatory about larger women. They were discussing HIS previous position that he'd never date one. Yet his response is not to explain himself to you, but make a big dramatic gesture of cutting off his parents for a girlfriend of less than a year.
I'm sorry you found out what your boyfriend thinks about larger women and I'm sorry you've ended up with an immature and impulsive man who will throw his parents under the bus to save his skin.

StMarie4me · 04/07/2025 19:22

I think never speaking to them again/ blocking is ridiculous. They can’t know who their son is attracted to as an adult. They will be talking about who he liked as a 14 year old!
You and your BF need to grow up, as do they, then all have a grown up conversation about it all.

ilovesushi · 04/07/2025 19:22

That must have felt hurtful and embarrassing and reductive, but it is too much that your boyfriend wants to cut them off without a word of explanation. It wasn't a nice thing for you to overhear, but it wasn't an insult and they weren't expressing a low opinion of you. Of course anyone would rather hear "Your new girfriend is lovely/ funny/ kind/ smart etc etc". I get that you don't particularly want to see them and you don't have to, but your partner is cruel to cut them off.

XelaM · 04/07/2025 19:23

What a crazy overreaction on your and your boyfriend's part (and I say this as a fat woman who is very well aware of her own fatness 🤪)

Foreverm0re · 04/07/2025 19:25

Gallivanterer · 04/07/2025 14:26

But dont you see nobody has done anything wrong here?

You're overweight.

Your boyfriend traditionally has not fancied large women, but he surprised himself and others by fancying and falling in love with you.

Your "parents in law" were discussing this behind closed doors, as people do.

Nobody is in the wrong here

Show quote history

You are horrid aren’t you.

SapporoBaby · 04/07/2025 19:30

Foreverm0re · 04/07/2025 19:25

You are horrid aren’t you.

Show quote history

No she’s right

Shittyhouse · 04/07/2025 19:30

But you're fat—and that's a fact.
By the way, not just you—me too.
His parents just confirmed it.

FreebieWallopFridge · 04/07/2025 19:30

ninetyninedays · 04/07/2025 14:50

I want him to tell his parents, that’s what this post was about because he has not spoken to them about it and just blocked them.
What I overheard was one asking the other what they thought of me and of the 100s of things to comment on that was all they could say.
He’s 22 and can make his own decisions about who he sees and doesn’t see I just said I don’t need to know people like that.

Show quote history

He’s 22?! How old are you??

Honestly - unless there’s a huge drip feed coming about them being hideous people and dreadful parents in general - this is a huge overreaction from both of you.

It’s a childish and immature reaction, and his parents must be distraught.

SophiePie · 04/07/2025 19:31

To me, it wasn't about you at all. Their surprise seemed aimed at their son overcoming his previous bigotry (which seems to have been brushed over by you)

BellissimoGecko · 04/07/2025 19:32

Youcunnyfunt · 04/07/2025 14:14

Extremely childish. I’m sure you felt hurt - I would too - but this was a conversation you were never intended to hear. They might also think you’re lovely and funny - the things that matter.
I would also be wary of a boyfriend who so readily cut off his own flesh and blood over a comment out of context and supposed to be out of earshot.

This.

What a bizarre overreaction. His poor parents. Sure, they shouldn’t have said what they did, but they don’t deserve to be blocked with no explanation!

Whatever happened to using your words?!

Bubbletrain · 04/07/2025 19:36

Wow! You are both ridiculous. Grow up!

SleepQuest33 · 04/07/2025 19:37

He blocked his parents? Are you for real?

if you don’t like being fat, try and lose weight. You do this by eating less and moving more.HTH

SapporoBaby · 04/07/2025 19:38

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/07/2025 18:42

@boredgosleep

I also think it is very sad and unnecessary that you think this way: "I'm never going to be compatible with or accepted by your family so sadly you and I are going to have to part... walking on eggshells... people looking down on you because of your personal appearance..." 😢

Without wishing to be rude, and with genuine intentions, I feel that this has a lot of internalised self loathing. Just because someone notices that you are fat, that doesn't mean they dislike you, look down on you, or are incompatible with you. The same goes for any other physical attribute people notice about you.

Thanks: your comment is thought provoking and I can tell it's thoughtful so I wanted to respond thoughtfully, but I genuinely think you've read this wrong.

I think its the opposite of self-loathing. I have a policy that if people reject me or comment negatively about me or in any way try to put me down I walk away from them, usually permanently. I don't expect everyone to like me or approve of me (that's their right) but I do feel that its my right to protect myself from the arbitrary judgement of others. (For the record I'm not overweight but I've been on the receiving end of other types of arbitrary judgement and I just don't tolerate it, ever. It's one strike and you're out.)

My long experience of this is that trying to please other people or to fit yourself to someone else's idea of who you should be, what you should think, what you should look like, what ideas you should hold or principles to adhere to never ends well. I just don't see any benefit in absorbing or tolerating judgement from people unless they are people who I know well and trust and when I think there is genuine goodwill.

That doesn't mean I don't take criticism or feedback. But it means I have made a promise to myself not to have people in my life who will erode my sense of self worth by not properly understanding me or acting out their own hang-ups or prejudices on me.

If the OP had been with the boyfriend for many years and knew the family well and she was confident they meant well, then the position might have been different. But in this scenario, this is an early getting to know you meeting, with high stakes where everything is new and everyone should be on their best behaviour. And the parents of the person who the OP loves have chosen to be indiscreetly unkind and gossipy about her without taking care to ensure she didn't hear them.

Most people on this thread seem to think this is normal. I don't. I think its rude, shallow, unintelligent and completely graceless. A lot of people tolerate low level microaggression and unkind behaviour from people they know to keep the peace. I choose not to.

I wouldn't have expected anything of the boyfriend. But there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd ever have had anything to do with the family.

But they didn’t say anything bad!

OP says she is fat.
They observed this and said they’re surprised… because their SON has expressed hatred for fat women like the OP.

If it’s true that their son has expressed these views then they weren’t being gossipy and nasty. They were observing a truth.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/07/2025 19:39

Way over reaction.

CoI: fat, and don't expect other people to pretend I'm not.

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 19:39

Well they are going to pay dearly for their stupidity and unkindness.
I think he should tell them what you heard, how upset you are.
It is absolutely your choice if you do not wish to see them again.
You sound very young to have given up everything to be with him, never a good idea IMO.