Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

It's giving Harry and Meghan 😅

Do you have a problem with the wors fat? I am fat and don’t mind its use, but I know some people hate it.

But if you are plus size and if you are the first plus size woman he has brought home then:

1. he has grown up and loves all of you, thinks you are beautiful as you are

2. they were just telling the truth. If he used to have a thing about size they would be surprised by his choice as it is a significant stage in his development.

i don’t think you should have blocked them. It is terrible behaviour. How could he do that to his parents? He must be obsessed with you.

I think they were always going to discuss you, it’s fairly natural. We met my cousins girlfriend not long ago and when they left she was the topic of conversation. People don’t expect these conversations to be overheard by the person, we said nice things about her but that we hoped she would be more chatty once we get to know her. That’s just chit chat because we don’t know enough about her to make deeper comments. It sounds like they have just made shallow comments too, albeit more hurtful!

I think it’s insane that you’ve made him cut his family off when all they’ve done is discuss his past opinions tbh. Him being willing to do so as quickly as he did makes me think he was truly awful about large women in the past… and he doesn’t want you talking to them and finding out.

I also think it’s disgusting to make him ‘never see them again’ over this. You’re a girlfriend of a year… they’re his parents. Dramatic much.

Well he's a massive red flag. Instead of speaking to his own parents about something that could be apologised for and sorted out he'll never speak to them ever again??? Watch yourself for the first wrong move you make.

You’re both extremely immature. Did your partner even stick up for you when his parents commented on you being fat? You admit you are fat so he should have explained that your size didn’t bother him then moved on. I’ve never heard anything quite this ridiculous 🤣

If you hadn't been eavesdropping, you wouldn't have caused this.

You and your boyfriend sound incredibly immature, but based on how quickly he apparently cut off his entire family, I wouldn't expect this to be a long relationship.

He cut them off because you were too nosy to not listen to a private conversation.
He will cut you off for an equally nothing reason.

It's absolutely ridiculous to block them for this and very spiteful.
Presumably he's always been saying to them that he 'hates fat women'. So, if you're on the larger side of life, they're just expressing their surprise at his choice.
They haven't done anything wrong.
They just need to be very, very careful around their son's partner (assuming they are so lucky as to ever seen their ds again).

What would they apologise for? Using the word fat? For expressing surprise that their previously superficial son has finally grown up and is dating a lovely girl who happens to be bigger?*

*Actually, given her behaviour may not be so lovely.

You’ve been ridiculous. My MIL didn’t (doesn’t) like me at all, and used some unpleasant words to my face. Not nice, but I was marrying my DH, not his family. We left for a few days, until MIL finally had to beg my DH to come back. I rose above it, and just have zero engagement with her, which suits me fine.

I get wanting to leave, but to leave without explaining why, and the blocking, is ridiculous. At some point your boyfriend is going to want to reengage with them; you will look by the bad guy. You could have had the upper hand here and reacted in so many other ways, tbh.

You are being very, very, VERY unreasonable. You could even take this as a complement: he’s clearly with you because he likes your personality! I can’t believe you’ve blocked them for something that sounds like the statement of a fact, that you were never supposed to hear. (Have you never said something behind someone’s back that wasn’t 100% nice?)

People have spoken their mind in this thread and given you true feelings and solicited advice. You need to find a way to approach the situation, not run away from it (in my opinion). Anything that can open up the conversation is a positive in my books, even if you are hearing some things you don’t wont to hear. Sometimes that can be vital in finding a solution.

There seems to be a piece of the puzzle where you feel unheard. You need to be able to speak your piece to the parents so they know how you feel. add your own feelings into that conversation (but gain knowledge!) In the end, if you can come to an understanding as a group where it CAME FROM in the first place, you’re that much better off. Shun it away, and you’ll never understand why these things happen and it will always catch you off guard.

You are both casting his parents in stone like Medusa, and expecting something to change. When really, the parents probably don’t know wtf is going on in the first place! How would you expect change if not ever given the opportunity? This simply won’t change if you keep treating the situation like a metaphorical trenchfoot (leads to long-term complications, but can be effectively treated when caught early).
It would be different if there was a discussion raised on how uncomfortable it made you feel when harsh words were spoken. Instead, it seems you lied to yourself and acted like you didn’t hear it. Well here we are now…seriously.

This stuff continues on for days, Weeks, years if you let it subsist and I’m speaking from experience. If you don’t try to find a way to talk about it and atleast try to see where someone is coming from, you’ll always be at that gap of understanding.
That is a very volatile position to be in when you are unsure what someone’s true feelings are, and I empathize your emotions being hurt in that moment, but you have to find a goal to point towards in all this. Everyone’s voice is in this world whether you like it or not. It’s up to you to challenge those people if they truly step on your ideals, but maybe you need a little more time to learn that truly. I have had a rough time learning that myself in my own life.

This is a colossal overreaction from both you and your partner. They said something tactless about you that you were not meant to hear. Everyone - literally everyone, including you - has at some point in their lives made a comment about someone else that they wouldn’t want that person to hear. It was unfortunate that you heard, but that’s all.

I think most people, upon meeting a family member’s new partner, would probably have a private conversation about that person if they were not like they expected. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It’s just an observation.

This is shocking ! To block a couple just because you overheard a comment (which may well to be true) is outrageous.

You have serious problems, as has your boyfriend for blocking his mum and dad - all because of a fairly innocent remark.

Take the positive out of it - get to grips with your health and lose that weight, stop being so sensitive and vindictive, and maybe dump your boyfriend.

That is extremely harsh. It also must be true and he is just desperate for anyone if he will cut his parents off like that for you.

I also don’t see the issue with them having a private conversation discussing that you are very different to any woman he has been with before.

This is correct. I am thin - if I heard someone telling my husband I was too thin I wouldn’t immediately demand that they cut them off FOREVER!

Surely this thread is t. If it is true quite honestly I think you need to get a grip.

Absolutely this

@boredgosleep

I also think it is very sad and unnecessary that you think this way: "I'm never going to be compatible with or accepted by your family so sadly you and I are going to have to part... walking on eggshells... people looking down on you because of your personal appearance..." 😢

Without wishing to be rude, and with genuine intentions, I feel that this has a lot of internalised self loathing. Just because someone notices that you are fat, that doesn't mean they dislike you, look down on you, or are incompatible with you. The same goes for any other physical attribute people notice about you.

Thanks: your comment is thought provoking and I can tell it's thoughtful so I wanted to respond thoughtfully, but I genuinely think you've read this wrong.

I think its the opposite of self-loathing. I have a policy that if people reject me or comment negatively about me or in any way try to put me down I walk away from them, usually permanently. I don't expect everyone to like me or approve of me (that's their right) but I do feel that its my right to protect myself from the arbitrary judgement of others. (For the record I'm not overweight but I've been on the receiving end of other types of arbitrary judgement and I just don't tolerate it, ever. It's one strike and you're out.)

My long experience of this is that trying to please other people or to fit yourself to someone else's idea of who you should be, what you should think, what you should look like, what ideas you should hold or principles to adhere to never ends well. I just don't see any benefit in absorbing or tolerating judgement from people unless they are people who I know well and trust and when I think there is genuine goodwill.

That doesn't mean I don't take criticism or feedback. But it means I have made a promise to myself not to have people in my life who will erode my sense of self worth by not properly understanding me or acting out their own hang-ups or prejudices on me.

If the OP had been with the boyfriend for many years and knew the family well and she was confident they meant well, then the position might have been different. But in this scenario, this is an early getting to know you meeting, with high stakes where everything is new and everyone should be on their best behaviour. And the parents of the person who the OP loves have chosen to be indiscreetly unkind and gossipy about her without taking care to ensure she didn't hear them.

Most people on this thread seem to think this is normal. I don't. I think its rude, shallow, unintelligent and completely graceless. A lot of people tolerate low level microaggression and unkind behaviour from people they know to keep the peace. I choose not to.

I wouldn't have expected anything of the boyfriend. But there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd ever have had anything to do with the family.

Sounds like he blocked them before they revealed more truths about what he really thinks like

They weren’t talking shit about you (unless the tone was mocking but you didn’t mention that), they were just commenting on the fact that previously he didn’t go for fat women.

You both need to grow up and calm tf down.

You don’t need to know people like that? Like what? They were having a conversation and mentioned that you weren’t their son’s usual type. Why is a crime to make that observation. If they had said it to your face in a nasty way that’s different.

Very childish reaction on your part, and your boyfriends blocking them over a private conversation where it doesn’t even sound like they said anything derogative is shocking.

It's impossible to know if they were being accurate about what he has said in the past and also whether OP is reporting it verbatim. I wouldn't set a lot of score on what people said when they were gossiping unpleasantly and thought it was private.

This is the grown up thing to do. If you do end up being together for the rest of your life, how do you think this will pan out?

He needs to man up and tell them what you heard and let them understand how much it hurt you.

Seems a bit of a strange thing to say anyway after having know you for a year.

If I’m being truely honest, I hope this post isn’t real. Hot damn couldn’t this situation just been dealt with and ended in the moment? Nope, release the trainload of petty shit.

that’s what it feels like when someone makes a comment you don’t like, and guess what, theres nothing you can do about it. Other than everything you can do about it, if you reply with tact and pose a question to those people by rising up - showing them you have smarts and your wits about you. Watch them quickly scurry like ants when you have something formulated in your head to say. They are afraid of other peoples autonomy. You are too, seeing as you’ve taken someone’s careless opinion as a blind statement that is now walking you straight into hot magma fire.

I’m actually thinking he hasn’t really blocked them. Just temp show blocked them for you.

Was there any meaningful conversation about it at all? Or him just going ‘you’re so right, I’ll block them.’ Which handily meant job done, no need to go into it further?