Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

I suspect your partner reacted because he didn’t want to think about / address his previous comments regarding weight. Blocking is incredibly childish, please take a step back and think about it now some time has passed.

You sound very dramatic

This.

yabvu

I say this as someone who 100% understands the fat woman struggle and the discrimination /poor treatment as I’ve experienced it.

This is nuts.

They stated something factual…
if my DB came home with someone with my body shape I’d be surprised. Everywoman he has dated has a certain distinct look and I’d probably comment.

now he is never going to talk to his parents again because they made a (admittedly hurtful) observation

its a no from me.
have a conversation sure but NC is ridiculous

OP really you need to take account of the majority of people on here and make peace with his parents.
Pick up the phone, and explain you were hurt by the comment you overheard and didn't feel able to stay. Be the bigger person.

It's your own insecurities leading you down a destructive path. This wont be the first or last time you hear something about yourself that you don't like. You cant go through life writing off people who indirectly offend you.

Due to your emotional immaturity you have overreacted and coerced your boyfriend into dumping his parents. And reactions like this will ruin your life. You need counselling.
You've left your friends and family and now he's left his....so you're this little island in a desert.
If you stay together, he will begin to hate you for what you've done.

The comment wasn't directed at you, it was an observation on their sons usual "type"
They didn't say they don't like you just that you were different from the norm.

From the small amount you’ve told us in your posts you and your DP are sounding quite immature. I understand it’s not nice to hear someone refer to you as fat but what they stated was a factual comment based on something your DP has previously said, I don’t feel they are being bitchy or unkind unless you are in fact not overweight? Yes the comment hurts but blocking them forever and not having a sensible discussion seems very extreme.

Maybe when you’ve calmed down you could explain you heard and that were hurt but try and find a way to build a sensible adult relationship so your DP isn’t cut off from his parents.

Wow! Your partner blocked his own parents for one silly comment about a girlfriend they hardly know?! No wonder we're all so miserable and unable to function.

I'm with you on being hurt and I'd even be with you on confronting them but unless there's a backstory it's pathetically childish and OTT to ghost them. It's not even like they were saying it maliciously. They were having a private conversation.

The OP literally says ‘they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.’

Nothing about simply not fancying but ‘hate’.

Think you should have challenged them personally, at the time, and then hopefully they would have apologised, and even if you didn't want them in your life after that he could still have had a relationship with them? Like you say OP this way they have learned nothing as they don't know what they did. Seems like a reaction you would expect from 12 year old school girls to just block and ignore? I'm quite surprised a grown up would think that was the best way to go. Unless there is a history there of them doing this sort of thing before and he's just had enough? But without a history this seems extreme. He could have handled it differently and explained to his parents how hurt you are and how their comments have really negatively impacted any relationship they could have had with you? It's a bit cowardly if you don't mind my saying? Because he should have confronted his parents and supported you which is much harder that to just block and walk away. Is there history here maybe?

I would be very wary of committing to someone who can cut off his parents over a badly timed observation, for a girlfriend of less than a year.

You overhead something that they were saying in private. It was unkind but it was also none of your business since it wasn’t said directly to you.

massive overreaction and I feel for his parents.

@Thepeopleversuswork I agree they should have been far more careful while OP was under the same roof, but that is a totally different point from your main point.

I also think it is very sad and unnecessary that you think this way: "I'm never going to be compatible with or accepted by your family so sadly you and I are going to have to part... walking on eggshells... people looking down on you because of your personal appearance..." 😢

Without wishing to be rude, and with genuine intentions, I feel that this has a lot of internalised self loathing. Just because someone notices that you are fat, that doesn't mean they dislike you, look down on you, or are incompatible with you. The same goes for any other physical attribute people notice about you.

So, if you are fat, you cannot walk away from everyone who happens to privately register that you are fat. You will have nobody left in your life.

As I said before, we commented in surprise when my brother veered away from his usual model type to be with my SIL. We love her to death and certainly don't think any less of her for not resembling a lifesized Barbie. I'm sure my partners' parents privately commented in surprise when they met me as I'm from a country very, very far away from the UK and speak a very different language. I wouldn't personally read anything negative or racist into that. People are allowed to observe things.

Not nice thing to say but you shouldn’t allow him to never speak to his parents again. Control freak. You weren’t meant to hear but I agree it’s not nice. Should have left it at that .

If you're still reading this, OP, I think you should have a think about what was said.

HE hates fat women, not THEY hate fat women. They were just discussing what they believed to be true.

He's the one you need to confront.

People like what? People that talk about their surprise that their son’s partner isn’t like they expected? People that don’t triple check they won’t be overheard when they say something private.

They were talking about their son’s preference not their own, and it doesn’t sound like he has denied what they said? It’s probably why he doesn’t want to have that conversation with them - at least not in your ear shot because they will remind him that he did say it - which he knows anyway.

You have said he is 22. He is very young. When he was younger and more immature he has probably joked and been offensive about fat people. That is ok - that’s not who he is now. But punishing his parents because of your partners past views is harsh.

22! Good grief, no wonder he's being so immature, he's barely an adult. Are you 22 too? You both need to grow up. I'm confident he'll go back to his parents soon, I bet his relationship with them will outlast you.

Just something I've observed in this generation, having kids around that age. Everything is about taking offence and cutting people off, finding them "problematic" etc.

If any of this is true then it's a bit weird.

They'd already met you a couple of times and yet they asked each other what they thought of you?

You use the word 'hate' but basically they were just saying that fat/overweight was never the sort of look he went for.

I could say I hate men with beards, but all it means is I've never been attracted to them.

OP with all due sensitivity is there a chance that they are speaking the truth? I mean maybe you are a bit overweight and maybe your partner has tended not to date heavier women before.

Everyone does have preferences and he is allowed to change his mind which wouldn’t be a bad thing because perhaps his connection to you is more than just about what you look like.

Blocking and never talking to them again seems extreme.

Ridiculous. Get him to unblock them. You said you'll never see them again? I think you've blown up your relationship.

So they are now blocked from their son's life? How is that getting away with it?

I can imagine your hurt but I expect as you have so much pain from your past you are letting that influence you now as you said you were bullied. To say u never want to see them again is harsh. He needs to pull them up, say you heard and are understandly upset. They need to apologize and everyone needs to move forward together. Blocking and not speaking to them isn't right and they will only blame you for that unfortunately 😕 saying it was probably ur idea or you put him up to it.

He’s the one who has clearly voiced his opinion on obese women. He’s blocked them to detract from that.

Terrible to cut them off like this. I bet he will still accept money/assets when they die tho?

In under a year, you've left your network and he's blocked his. Massive red flags for this relationship.

I understand why you were hurt but the reaction is disproportionate. If you are larger then people may call you fat when describing you because you are. So am I so I am not judging.
My DH sees the word fat as descriptive not a value judgment and would use it about himself if he needs to lose weight. I had to unpick my emotional baggage around the word to recognise that just because I found it hurtful to hear didn’t mean that the person using it intended to cause hurt.

Your boyfriends parents may have meant nothing by the word other than a description and have no idea what has just happened.

Allow feelings to calm and then reconsider the proportionality of your reaction - it is utterly nuclear right now.

Op can you honestly say that you don’t have a friend or a family member who you have made comments about that if they heard they’d be hurt by? My point is although it’s not nice you weren’t supposed to hear.
My sons last girlfriend was completely different from his usual type.. Me and my husband had a quick conversation about how different she was from his usual.. lots of tattoos and piercings, it was just an observation. If she’d overheard should my son cut me off forever?