Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

Actually, what is rude about describing a person as fat, if that is what they are and you’re talking to your partner privately? Overweight? Obese? Large? Big?

@rainingsnoring

I don't agree with that and I don't think that a man or woman is 'an arsehole' for preferring a slimmer partner or one with a healthy body weight. Most of us tend to be more attracted to certain body types/heights/skin colouring, etc. It's not wrong to have a type; it's just attraction.
Even if they are all shallow, the reaction is totally OTT.

I agree that the reaction was OTT and of course people are attracted to who they are attracted to. But its the fact that it was the first thing the parents chose to discuss when they thought they were in private after meeting her for the first time.

Of all the things they could have chosen to focus on about her: her personality, her conversation, whether she seemed to be kind or intelligent or well read or sporty or interested in comedy or the arts or technology or whatever....

No, they focused on the fact she was overweight. It's just such a depressing window into their worldview. "Ooh, she's a bit porky isn't she?"... just yuck.

And the fact that they didn't have the self-discipline just to keep their mouths shut until they were certain she was out of earshot.

And the fact that their son obviously has previously been a fat shamer. That sort of attitude doesn't develop in a vacuum.

Look I don't disagree that the OP and her boyfriend haven't handled it well. At a minimum the parents deserve to have this properly explained. But they do sound like a family of dicks.

That's a defensive/insecure overreaction, I feel. If someone only dated fat women historically (or were very vocal about how they hated thin women) and went for a thin woman suddenly, you'd probably privately comment on it too. Having eyes and ears doesn't make you shallow, superficial, or stupid.

My family has commented in surprise privately when my brother strayed from his usual type of bombshell models. Again, that only means that we have eyes and ears. Also we mostly thought that was a positive development!

his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.

These parents don't sound pleasant but this raises red flags about your DP.

You both sound so incredibly immature.

Obviously it’s not nice to be called fat.

Look I’m very old compared to you and I’m sure you’re very young and beautiful but seriously it’s ridiculous, if you live your life so dramatically you’re going to be so embarrassed when you’re older.

They didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry you were bullied but this isn’t the same situation. Try to see the intent behind something and not just react and let your emotions run away with you.

I can’t believe you think they haven’t been held accountable. They have just lost contact with their son. Jesus.

I guess, if you have moved away from friends and family for him... and now he has blocked his parents for you... you seem to be in a co-dependent unhealthy relationship.
you should have a baby to prove how much you love each other.

That’s a ridiculous overreaction on your and his part. There is no way I would refuse to see a partner’s parents over that one comment - never mind block my own if they were still alive. I get that you may not have liked the comment but it wasn’t malicious and sounds like it was supposed to be private - you guys need a great deal more mental resilience if that is all it takes to end a parental relationship. I’d think hard about how healthy your relationship with each other is as it also sounds super codependent.

Unfortunately you can't really police what people notice. People are always going to notice and comment on anomalies or striking inconsistencies first. This particular one has to do with appearance, but I'm sure if OP veered drastically and obviously from his usual type (and consistent preferences) in any other way, they'd have noticed and remarked on it in private too.

Although I agree they probably should've been more careful not to be heard.

"I agree that the reaction was OTT and of course people are attracted to who they are attracted to. But its the fact that it was the first thing the parents chose to discuss when they thought they were in private after meeting her for the first time."

They didn't say this on meeting her for the first time @Thepeopleversuswork . OP said they'd met a few times when the parents came to visit. This was the first time she'd been invited to stay over at their home. So they obviously like her or she wouldn't have had the invitation.

An epic overreaction by both of you.
And I say that as a 230lb woman.

I think your boyfriend's parents were rude, discussing you like that when there was a possibility you might overhear. Of course you were upset.
Your reaction and that of your boyfriend was very OTT and immature though, just leaving when they were in the garden and not saying anything. He should have had a quiet word with them and told them that you had heard their conversation and were very upset by it and that he was also offended that they had been rude about you.
I think that just cutting them off without discussion is extreme.

I understand it’s a very hurtful comment, but I think he should have at least discussed it with his parents.

It’s never nice to hear anything like that about yourself, and although a private conversation, it wasn’t the kindest way to describe you / talk about you.

However, if you want this relationship to continue you will need to see these people again - and so will your partner.

The mature response would have been for you to say nothing and get on with the weekend.

Massive over reaction and you both sound like children. You sound completely ridiculous, my bf mum and dad said I was fat so he's never going to see them ever again?

You are both behaving like children-this is a joke isn’t it? So what if they said you were fat-it’s hardly insult of the century.

Bit ott

I dint think the word hate was used.

Loads of people don't fancy fat people . Men and women . It is what it is

@boredgosleep

Unfortunately you can't really police what people notice. People are always going to notice and comment on anomalies or striking inconsistencies first. This particular one has to do with appearance, but I'm sure if OP veered drastically and obviously from his usual type (and consistent preferences) in any other way, they'd have noticed and remarked on it in private too

You certainly can't police what people notice, but you can expect them to have the self control not to gossip about it when you're under their roof.

Look if it was me I would never have expected the boyfriend to block his parents. But I would have walked away from the relationship in a quiet and dignified way. I would have said something like: "I'm never going to be compatible with or accepted by your family so sadly you and I are going to have to part."

Life is too short to compromise your sense of self-worth to accommodate people who are going to look down on you because of your physical appearance: the OP would spend the rest of their relationship on eggshells worrying about what they think of her and second-guessing herself.

They can think what they like, it's a free country. It's just far better not to have people like this in your life.

You could be right but I'd say you can't be sure from what the OP says.
It wasn't the first time she had met them. She says she had already met them 'a couple of times', so perhaps 2 or 3 times. She uses the word 'hates'.. (fat women) but they could have said 'he doesn't usually like fat women', meaning that he usually has a different physical type and the OP has interpreted it slightly differently and chosen a different word. We can't be sure.
What does seem pretty clear to me is that their response is OTT.

Whether you’re fat, have a big nose or short legs, other people can and will talk about your appearance. That’s actually ok!

Not for me it's not. Or at least they can say whatever they like, as is their right. It's my right to take myself away from them and not have anything further to do with them.

I’m surely old enough to be your granny - perhaps even your great granny.
If you and your boyfriend continue to be unforgiving, by the time you’re in your 60s you won’t have anyone in your life at all.
Your boyfriend is sure enough going to say something that you will find offensive sooner or later - and you’ll find yourself alone, all by yourself, having blocked everyone for being mean to you, saying something you didn’t like, and you can blissfully spend the rest of your life ALONE. Just like you wanted. Because everybody picked on poor little @ninetyninedays.

I say this, because I watched my own granny do this to herself and I’m watching my niece do it to herself in real time right now.

You should probably think about that.
You won’t, but you should. ❤️

I think it’s pretty unanimous what people think OP, you really over reacted and making your BF break off contact with his parents says more about you than them, poor bloke. But you won’t be back to this thread anyway of course…..
All this ‘blocking ‘ of people is so juvenile - be an adult and speak - actually use your words. I dispair, I really do.

This is completely nuts. What an extreme reaction from you both!
unblock them for gods sake and go back and talk it out face to face. Let them hear how it’s hurt you and give them the opportunity to apologise and rebuild. It’s not like they’ve said something racist. You’re overweight - own it or get some weight loss jabs, if it’s making you this unhappy and clearly massively impacting your life.

Massive overreaction from both of you. Working on the assumption that you overheard a private but factually correct conversation blocking his parents and saying you will never see them again is absolutely ludicrous. Do something about your weight if it bothers you. Ignore their comments if it doesn’t. Don’t punish them for a factual conversation you weren’t meant to hear.