Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

You both sound about 14.

My parents are old and fattist. To me to many people. I'm not aging it's acceptable but it can be a generation thing.

If their son has always liked thin girls and said he wouldn't date a larger woman then you xan understand their comments. Itvwas a private conversation.

But he obviously loves yju fir who you are and that's all that matters.

But him blocking his parents is bloody juvenile. What happened to talking things through.

This is so controlling OP. If a man was suggesting their partner cut her parents off over an overheard conversation, then there would be rightly so an uproar!

So because you moved away with a guy after a year!! You now want him isolated from his family because you don’t even have any locally?

Did they call you fat or say ‘oh I didn’t realise Daniel was in to bigger women.’ Both are awful but one more so. You haven’t even discussed it with him. I’m curious if you are a size 20 etc which again wouldn’t make it ok but could they have been surprised?

Are you morbidly obese? If so I think I may have voiced concerns to my other half (albeit not in front of my child).

They weren't being "bitchy", no. But they were signalling that they have a very shallow and superficial way of looking at the world. And they also inadvertently reveal that their son is a bit of an arsehole in the way he thinks about women and weight.

Altogether it just points to people who are shallow and a bit stupid.

surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.

Are you saying that they have made up that he doesn’t like fat women? I bet that what he’s told them in past. I not saying they are right to say it, but I bet he has been clear about his feeling towards fat women in the past, and I bet that’s how he really feels. Maybe that’s why he’s so keen not to talk to them as his past comments will be exposed

I’ve not had time to RTFT but this. In spades. Men who ‘hate’ fat women for being fat are misogynistic bastards (and sadly not all that rare).

As a fat woman too, you know your size. It’s factual. There was no judgement attached , just a statement of fact. Previously he has chosen different shaped women- another statement of fact. So they were surprised he chose you. Another statement of fact.

The negativity is all in your head. They didn’t comment to your face which would have been rude. They didn’t say they were unhappy. Or didn’t like you. Just surprised.

One of the things you get used to in life if youre fat, OP, is that people notice it.

The problem here, is whatever your partner has said previously about "hating" fat women, to the point that it has sunk in with his parents enough for them to question it in what they believed was a private conflab.
Easier to block than risk you finding out whats been said.

I suspect DP is the issue, not people chatting behind closed doors, because everyone does that - it was just unfortunate that you heard it.

I don't agree with that and I don't think that a man or woman is 'an arsehole' for preferring a slimmer partner or one with a healthy body weight. Most of us tend to be more attracted to certain body types/heights/skin colouring, etc. It's not wrong to have a type; it's just attraction.
Even if they are all shallow, the reaction is totally OTT.

You are being very childish. If your boyfriend blocks his parents over this then he's not going to stay with you when something is difficult is he.

The grown up thing to do would have been to ignore it. If you couldnt manage that then you say to his parents that it was a very hurtful comment, they apologise and you spend as little time as possible with them but your boyfriend continues to see them, probably less often than before.

When he grows up a bit he's likely to leave and find someone better.

Not a nice thing to hear and you have every right to be upset but a complete over reaction. To block them and not explain is cruel. People say mean things (without thinking) all the time. At least give them the chance to apologise.

If this is just a year in op your relationship isn't going to last.
Just being honest you both sound like walking red flags.
I'll give it another 6 months.

He is prepared to cut off his parents just because they said you were fat?? The pair of you need to grow up

I am in total shock over this - not the fat comment but that your boyfriend has severed ties with his parents? WTF? That is severe. Also, the chat could be harmless, my family talk about how we find it weird my sister (who is big) is married to a super lean gym bunny whose previous wife was a beanpole. Perhaps they’re just surprised at his change of type. They may have had a similar chat if he usually went for curvy girls and then took a stick thin woman home? Perhaps it wasn’t mean to be mean.

Absolutely this!

What a massive overreaction!

Sorry your feelings have been hurt OP but you've walked in on a private conversation. They weren't questioning your character or morals, they were noting that you are overweight and that's something their son usually doesn't prefer in a partner. I'd encourage him to speak to them and explain what you overheard and that he loves you and would prefer they didn't comment on your size.

PP is right, this is surely a prank post by some
bored GCSE’ers 😅

Hmm... But why does he get leeway for saying something nasty / discriminatory once (in your last paragraph), and they're apparently nasty terrible fattist people who deserve to be lectured and walked out on for making a passing observation?

My family have commented before in private when my brother veered from his usual type of gorgeous models. That doesn't mean we're fattist or lookist or whatever. My SIL is the opposite of a looker but that goes for me as well and I know that doesn't affect my family's love for me obviously. In fact we love my now SIL to death.

Whose idea was it to leave while they were in the garden?

I dunno, you usually find that there are many nails hammered into a relationship coffin before blocking happens.

OP you're not going to get the drama you want. Let it go. He hasn't excused them and it was probably the last straw with them.

I don’t actually think what they said is rude, if you are big and he makes a point of saying he doesn’t like big people, it’s a genuine observation! They didn’t say it to you. His reaction is OTT! They’ve not actually done anything wrong…

This is so extreme, so you really think it’s worth alienating yourself over this? My own mother has called me fat before, and she was right as at the time I was! We laugh about it now. I really don’t think they meant it as a hurtful comment

Instead of getting your knickers in a twist about your boyfriend’s parents being puzzled about your size, I’d be more concerned about the fact that he apparently prefers slimmer girls. That would worry me far more than my hurt feelings - the fact that if this is actually true, there’s a real risk of you being binned off as soon as the next skinny girl catches his eye.

He sounds like an idiot! This kind of knee jerk reaction would be a huge red flag me.