Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

Everything about this post is weird.

1. Are you fat? Are you overweight? If so, if you are an adult you should really be able to face the truth about yourself. Not speaking to someone because they made a true observation about you to their son is very childish.
2. The parents have done NOTHING wrong here. They made a private observation to their son based on what they know of him. You were eavesdropping - like they say those who listen at key holes hear no good of themselves.
3. The son is awful AWFUL. Either he has cut off beloved parents over trivia with you (bear in mind he can always get another partner - fat or thin - but he only has one mother and one father - we all only have one actual mother and actual father in our whole life) OR he's lying to you. If he's really cut them off over this, he is weak and despicable and has hurt his parents for no reason (apparently without explanation which will be acutely painful) - so not worth dating. You are dreadful and nasty for encouraging and condoning the destruction of a family relationship over just nonsense.

You need to grow up. He needs a new gf and to call his parents and tell them he loves them.

So after less than a year of dating, you've decided never to see your partner's parents again, and he has also decided to never see them again, because they made one unkind comment which you weren't meant to overhear. Grow up.

And how long do you think your partner is going to never speak to his parents again for?

This is utterly ridiculous and the kind of tantrum I'd expect from my 5 yo, not a 22 yo and his girlfriend.

Oh for God's sake OP. They were speaking in private and by all accounts, did not say anything untrue.

You are overweight by your own admission. They expressed to each other that their DS - who they have known all their life and witnessed his dating history - has gone for someone physically different to his usual 'type'. That's it.

You are being completely self-absorbed and this is probably driven by your own insecurity. If you cause this rift now, your relationship will always be a bit fractured. I get that you were hurt, but I think the right thing to do now is:

Tell your boyfriend that you were hurt but of course he mustn't go no contact with his parents and that you OVER REACTED
Unblock
You (or he) speak to them, explain you overheard, and that you have sensitivity around your weight.
Move the fuck on.

I agree with this poster. Surely it’s more problematic that your partner “hates fat women” than that his parents were talking about this fact

Why otherwise would he so readily block them unless to avoid that?

The whole thing sounds worrying to me.

I'd be more concerned about why they think he hates fat women and what else they know he doesn't want them to let slip. Hence blocking them so readily so they can't rather than speaking to them

@Chungai

How do you know the family are shallow?

Because the most significant observation they have to make about their son's new partner is that she is physically different from his previous ones. As opposed to being interested in her personality, her intellect, her job or her opinions.

Maybe DP has made loads of awful comments about fat women before, so they were genuinely shocked and it was therefore front of mind.

Maybe so. If so that also tends to support the idea that they're not a tolerant and kind family and that the partner is a bit of a bellend.

Whatever they thought about the OP, they should have kept it to themselves until she wasn't under the same roof. It's deeply tacky and ungracious to do this if there's even a minuscule chance of being overheard.

They just sound like judgemental, unintelligent people without any class.

My mother would say this. She describes people as ‘fat’ the same way as she would say ‘blonde’ or ‘tall’

Its the way she is. I am glad people are not so sensitive around her because I would not cut her off for this.

Yabu. Even if you have been bullied for being big, they were not bullying you. They were having a private discussion which you eavesdropped upon. I’m staggered that an adult can’t get over such a small thing. Were they wrong? If you are big, they haven’t actually said anything mean. They are simply speculating about their son’s choice, they may have gone on to discuss how lovely your personality is. Who knows. They dont get a second chance. Despite having always been lovely to you. For you words speak louder than actions. This is a wild over reaction imo and your partner is also awful if he saw fit to cut off his parents based upon eavesdropped snatches of a conversation.

This is really immature behaviour.Im sure most parents have something to say about their child’s partners and yes it may have hurt hearing those words but in no way do I think he should cut contact with them.You haven’t been together a long time and I think it’s a bit of an overreaction what he has done.

You need to figure out what kind of things your partner has been saying about fat women that means his parent thinks he hates them.

What kind of cruelty must they have observed and over how long to attribute such a vile and all encompassing opinion to him?

Why would any man 'hate' fat women? Unless he only sees women as prospective shags? And hates any women who he doesn't see as a viable prospective shag? Does he have any female friends? Does he see women as whole people?

Do you want to bring up a daughter, who may herself one day be fat, with a man so full of vitriol?

Ask some questions. This isn't about the parents.

And that's without going into the emotional immaturity of 'blocking' and saying he will cut off his parents forever!

I foresee a long and happy relationship. 🙄

The reason why he has cut off his parents is to distract you from the fact that HE said or did things in the past to make his parents think he "hates fat women" have u even asked him why they said that?

Absolute over reaction.
Have you never said anything unkind that you wouldn't want repeating , ever in your life.
Anyway it could be true, they know their sons usually type and it sounds like he has gone off piste with you, therefore they are surprised.

Honestly you don't to know everything that people think of you so grow up, same with your no backbone of a boyfriend.

100%. Ridiculous. Unless there's a back story.

It seems an odd conversation for him to have started. What do you think of my girlfriend?
Apart from something bland like we don’t really know her yet it’s nice she’s come to stay any comment is liable to cause offence.

What other people think of you OP is really non of your business. they have been kind and welcoming. They made a comment, which was true between themselves.

To cut people out of your life is madness.

I don't actually believe he's truly blocked his parents over something like this, he's just telling you he has, I'd bet my mortgage on this. It's not nice - of course - but this is a very extreme and immature reaction if he did do it but it should prompt an adult conversation, as others have said.

Obviously your boy friends parents should not been discussing your weight when you were staying with them. That was extremely misjudged behaviour on their part and I can see why you were very upset. I would have been too and I am sorry it happened.

However, your behaviour has moved you from wronged party to a person who is behaving far worse. Personally I think leaving the house was fine and in your position I might well ask my boyfriend to call his parents and explain how unacceptable their behaviour was/how hurt you were. Cutting them off forever is a massive overreaction though, unless they have a history of very poor behaviour (which from your post it does not sound like they have). Haven't you ever done something you regret in the past? Would you want to loose your relationship with your child over a misjudged remark that you thought was in private?

Also, carrying on as you are could have negative consequences for your relationship. When the relationship is a bit less shiny and new he may come to regret the rupture in the relationship with his family and blame you.

In your position, I would probably ask you boyfriend to calmly call his parents immediately (or email/message them immediately if he does not think he can be calm - I would message) and explain what you heard, how unacceptable what they said was/how hurt you were and that you both decided you needed some space so left.

The ball is then in their court they will hopefully see how poor their behaviour was and apologise. Regardless, you will have taken the high road, your boyfriend will have stood up for you without having to loose this relationship with his parents. Your relationship with your boyfriend is more likely to last if you can be mature about this, definitely don't accept his parents' poor behaviour, but be proportionate in your response.

The boyfriend wasn't party to the conversation, the parents were talking between themselves.

Expect him to block you too sometime in the future. His response to this isn't normal. Red flags are waving. You don't cut your parents off over one factual comment. I suspect he feels "caught out" and hence the dramatic attempt to appease you.
Your response is also extreme - I understand you being shocked and upset, but these people are not your childhood bullies and shouldn't be punished as if they are.

Were they talking about your looks or making an observation?

I'm guessing they didn't pluck this out of thin air. Are you fat and has he previously said he hates fat women? If yes to both and he's turned up with you, it's natural to be curious and would be a great opportunity for him to tell them the special qualities you have that attracted him to someone he'd previously hated.

Blocking them and running off like you've stolen the family silver is just ridiculously childish. I'd actually be wary of a man who just blocks his family without a conversation. I'd want to hear why that question was asked, because you'll now be wondering why he's with you, once the adrenaline has worn off.

Djeesus Christ, what's wrong with the two of you. Poor parents.

Agree with PP that this isn't going to be happily ever after for the two of you either, with this type of vibe.

He's blocked them completely without telling them? Poor behaviour on his part.

As for you, it wasn't kind but they weren't talking to you and undoubtedly didn't mean you to overhear.

I’d misread. So it’s mum asking dad what he thinks of the girlfriend or vice versa.Thanks.

You're kidding us aren't you. Of course you haven't upped sticks and left your relatively new partners family, never to be seen again, because of an unkind comment about your weight! Don't be daft.