AIBU regarding sex

TheSandgroper · 04/07/2025 11:57

You are not unreasonable. DH may be up for it but his hormones are fairly stable. Yours can fluctuate quite markedly for various reasons (does carrying the house load count as a hormone?) and this will only become stronger in future years. You may need to be firm and educate him on female tracts of life.

If he continues to be ungenerous in his thinking, you have a bigger problem.

JHound · 04/07/2025 11:59

AnonAnon135 · 04/07/2025 11:50

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have sex on a regular basis, probably at least 2-3 times a week on average (there are times when it's everyday, other times less than once a week). If I have had a long day, I'm tired, sore and on my period, AIBU to not have sex or give my husband a blowjob if he desires it? My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable as sex is his love language. He also thinks that despite the above, we should still be intimate because it is for both of us, not just him (even in this scenario). AIBU to think he is being unfair?

Your husband’s attitude is disturbing. I cannot ever imagine desiring to have sex with somebody I knew did not want it.

This whole battle over sex is what truly puts me off relationships - and the expectation of having sex even when you don’t want to.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/07/2025 12:00

You don't have to have sex or take part in sexual activity for any reason you like. Your husband isn't entitled to sex and you're not a sex robot. Tell him to stop bullying you.

MrsSlocombesCat · 04/07/2025 12:30

I had a partner like this years ago. Now when I look back I cringe at what I did to keep him happy. I've been single ever since. I also decided that I would never give anyone a blow job again. It's so selfish. Men don't need as much foreplay as women, typically. So unless they want to satisfy you in other ways besides penetration then blow jobs are incredibly one sided. Especially when you are on your period. He thinks it's your duty - that's what is coming across. It absolutely isn't. He needs to fucking grow up.

pinkdelight · 04/07/2025 12:35

My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable as sex is his love language.

How handy for him! Less so for you. He's getting plenty by the sounds of it and it's dehumanising to expect a blowjob from your wife when she's not so inclined, just because it's his effing love language. How about his love language being caring for his partner and how she feels?? Sorry but this kind of thing riles me. It's good that you've aired it here as hopefully you'll see you are utterly NBU and learn how to keep your boundaries and assert what you want so you're not secondary to his cock.

Catsandcannedbeans · 04/07/2025 12:36

If someone wasn’t in the mood for sex I don’t think I’d want them to perform an unenthusiastic sex act on me. Compensation oral form a partner that’s not in the mood would make me feel gross… does he not have hands? Can he not have a wank?

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2025 12:38

Well he's telling you that your marriage will be over during the menopause.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/07/2025 12:49

I'm like your husband, in that I have a high sex drive. I'd probably prefer 5 - 6 times a week if possible. DP on the other hand is probably happier with around once or twice a week (although that's an oversimplification, it's more like every night one week, rarely for the next two, and none while she's on her period.

So we have sex on DPs schedule, because doing anything else would be making DP have sex she didn't want, and I've got absolutely no interest in having sex with someone who doesn't want sex. Does it mean sometimes I feel a bit frustrated? Yes, but that's just a compromise I'm willing to make because I love DP.

Your husband has one choice in this @AnonAnon135 Either he accepts the amount of sex you're willing to offer. Or he leaves you. Tell him to make his choice.

And @Ponoka7 , I wouldn't say that's a definite. The above is my experience over the last 20 years. The last year on the other hand I've barely been able to keep up. DP's sex drive has gone through the roof since peri-menopause started.

Sera1989 · 04/07/2025 12:51

But it isn’t for the both of you? If you don’t want to do it then it’s just for him. Especially blowjobs - what does he think you’re getting out of them when you’re not in the mood? His viewpoint is at best unreasonable. If he sulks when you say no then tell him you’re not a sex robot and his behaviour turns you off! He’s doing better than most at 3 times a week

parietal · 04/07/2025 12:51

DH would like sex 2-3 times per week but if i'm tired or don't feel like it, then it doesn't happen. and he 100% understands that because he is a good guy.

just because something is a 'love language' doesn't mean you get to claim a right to it. if your love language was 'DH giving me diamond jewellery', you couldn't expect a new necklace every week.

ClimbingMountKilimounjaro · 04/07/2025 12:52

“My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable as sex is his love language”

Respect is my love language.

No one should have any form of sexual contact with anyone else unless they want it. No means no. No does not mean complain, whine, sulk until the other person does something they don’t want to.

LittlleMy · 04/07/2025 12:55

This Love language stuff doesn’t half get weaponised for one’s own selfish desires it seems. If I had such a partner I’d say my love language is to be at home to keep a tidy home and available 24/7 to look after him so I can’t work!

Sugarfish · 04/07/2025 12:59

Can’t stand the phrase “love language”

And people who think they can’t go a week without sex need to get over it. If your relationship falls apart because of that you have bigger problems.

Driftingawaynow · 04/07/2025 13:00

My love language is being left the fuck alone when I want to be

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 04/07/2025 13:04

My love language is being loved, not being treated like a sex robot / piece of meat.

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/07/2025 13:13

Ask him to explain exactly how a BJ for him, when you're tired and sore and hormonal, can be interpreted as being 'for you' too. I'd love to hear his thinking on that one.

You're not his sex toy and using this 'love language' bullshit is his way of trying to manipulate you.

Picklechicken · 04/07/2025 13:20

He sounds like a prince.

We’ve been married 16 years and due to a combination of health issues and disabled dc we are lucky if we manage once a month. Dh never says anything about it at all, even though I know in an ideal world he’d like it more. It’s just life. My ex dh was always going on about it and in the end it’s what made me completely go off him.

Endofyear · 04/07/2025 13:22

Would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to? Would you want to have sex with someone who was too tired, sore, in pain or just not in the mood? I wouldn't.

Sex isn't his 'love language' 🙄 love isn't trying to coerce an unwilling partner to have sex with you.

Hollietree · 04/07/2025 13:24

Tell him that your love language is being respected, being listened to when you say no, not being coerced into sex that you aren't in the mood for.

Olive567 · 04/07/2025 13:27

Ghastly, can't believe women give in to this pressure and coercion. Much rather be single.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/07/2025 13:28

Hollietree · 04/07/2025 13:24

Tell him that your love language is being respected, being listened to when you say no, not being coerced into sex that you aren't in the mood for.

This.

Also, this "love language" shit is bollocks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2025 13:29

Driftingawaynow · 04/07/2025 13:00

My love language is being left the fuck alone when I want to be

Quite.

I’d say OP’s H was a wanker. But clearly not. Arsehole then.

Original poster

AnonAnon135 · 04/07/2025 13:30

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/07/2025 13:13

Ask him to explain exactly how a BJ for him, when you're tired and sore and hormonal, can be interpreted as being 'for you' too. I'd love to hear his thinking on that one.

You're not his sex toy and using this 'love language' bullshit is his way of trying to manipulate you.

I did ask him and he told me that if I don't see how, then it's a problem! He also asked me to ask other women as though I'm crazy not to see it.

OP posts:

assertiveplant · 04/07/2025 13:34

I did ask him and he told me that if I don't see how, then it's a problem!

Well that's a compelling argument if ever there was one.

Rancor · 04/07/2025 13:35

YANBU

Such an ick when a man expects a woman to do anything sexual when she doesn't want to, especially when it's a one-sided activity. I'm not against those one-sided activities, but only if it's foreplay and both are satisfied at the end! Would a man ever satisfy a woman without getting his turn? I think not.