AIBU regarding sex

[AnonAnon135]

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have sex on a regular basis, probably at least 2-3 times a week on average (there are times when it's everyday, other times less than once a week). If I have had a long day, I'm tired, sore and on my period, AIBU to not have sex or give my husband a blowjob if he desires it? My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable as sex is his love language. He also thinks that despite the above, we should still be intimate because it is for both of us, not just him (even in this scenario). AIBU to think he is being unfair?

Your husband is a pig end of. Sex is something that should happen when two people want it and are consenting. It shouldn’t be happening because one person is being pressured by the other.

Life is not constant. People go through different stresses, emotions, health changes and so on. We do not feel the same every single day therefore sex should not be expected as routine.

I still want to know what love language means?

I would imagine the 2% Yabu are meaning you’re being unreasonable to still be with someone who thinks you’re his sex slave, alive on this planet ti service his every need.

I am blown away that anyone would rather be in a relationship with someone who treats them like this rather than be single.

Great advice

This.
But make sure it’s just him giving you oral sex. Don’t do anything to/for him, just end it after you feel satisfied. See how he responds.

Me too. My ex was like OP’s. I haven’t had sex for years now and long may it continue. I had more than enough to ever want or need it again (I’m pretty sure that is very much tied into my ex’s relentless quest for sex and it affecting my sanity), I don’t ever want a ‘demand, plea or request ever again!

Me too I just can't deal with the sulking and whingeing. I'd rather I've on my own.

Love language my arse.

The 'love languages' book i read made it very clear that 'sex' is not a love language. 'Phyisical touch' is a love language and that is different from sex. The book does address the issue of men thinking their love language must be 'phyisical touch' just because they have a high sex drive.

It’s a bestselling book which contains some useful psychological insights but then digresses to a whole lot of psychobabble and easily digestible simplifications about how different people express their love differently.

There is no need to read it - there are literally hundreds of better researched and more useful books about relationships, for instance Attached by Levine and Heller.

If his love language is sex (it isn’t but just for the sake of argument) and any act should be pleasurable for both of you, then presumably he goes down on you, and then the whole thing is over, often.
if the answer to this is no, then he’s a liar isn’t he op? And selfish.

if you have kids, please think about what kind of a relationship you are currently modelling to them. Because yours is not a healthy nor equal relationship.

It's a load of made up nonsense. A US Baptist Minister who made his name on Talk Radio decided that there are five "Love Languages" and wrote a book about it based on no clinical experience or qualifications in Psychology whatsoever. A lot of people bought into it because people like simplistic, catchy soundbites that completely ignore the complexities of relationships and the ineffable nature of love. A lot of shit men who want their wives to be subservient have conveniently latched onto the idea. "But my love languages are Acts of Service and Physical Touch so if you don't cook my dinner then give me a blow job I won't feel loved waaaaaaah". It also trains women to expect thoughtless, shitty behaviour from men because it's ok that he didn't get you anything for your birthday, Gifts aren't his "love language", not his fault!

To summarise, it is bollocks.

Who gets to decide what is and isn't a 'love language' (ugh) though? It's just a made-up thing!

Its a theory about the idea that people have different ways of expressing love. So for example for some people its about communicating verbally, for others its about providing practical solutions such as doing DIY or buying gifts.

It was dreamed up by a bloke called Gary Chapman who is/was a Baptist minister and a talk show host.

It's entirely unscientific and while it might be a useful framework for understanding how people approach love in certain circumstances where people don't communicate in the same way it's very subjective with a lot of wishful thinking and not intended to be taken literally.

What's bizarre is that people parrot it out (on here and elsewhere) as if it were a diagnosis from a doctor: "my husband's love language is xx". And, as in this thread, its increasingly used by pathetic men to justify unreasonable behaviour. Particularly the sort of men who wouldn't give a shit about how they were expressing love if it didn't enable them to get more sex or benefit in some other way from their partners' gullibility.

Thanks for taking the time to explain the people and tarbalin
I concur what a load of bollocks.
Again thanks for typing out that to explain it to me..

What a manipulative twat he is. Tell him that you've asked other women (726 of them) and 98% think that he is an arsehole.

I have lots of female friends 40-50. I can’t name one who is grateful that their husband wants to have sex all the time 😂 Anyone I know whose husband is pestering and persuading for sex every day is named a sex pest!

He’s kidding himself (or attempting to trick/blackmail you) if he thinks that the majority of 40-50 year old women are gagging for a partner who wants sex every day of the week.

(Yes I know there are some 45 year old women who love sex every day, I’m sure I’ll get a few replies telling me that….. I’m just saying the vast majority of 40-50 year old women aren’t gagging for it 24/7)

And the other 2% think that he such an arsehole, that it’s unreasonable you haven’t left him.

He needs to work on creating 'Desire'.
So that you are flooded with desire for him.
It can be as simple as loading the dishwasher and putting the toddler to bed without a big Martyr type of act.
Obvs there are other much nicer ways to create desire but a woman's desire can come from strange places.

I had one of those guys.
I got dumped when menopause hit because my libido dropped. I started off with bj’s to keep him contented but I got fed up. Did nothing for me. He started shopping around for a new shag.

so start getting your ducks in a row, as one day you’ll just crack up when he starts his coercion shite, he will crack up that he no longer has a warm hole or two to use to make himself feel good, and that’ll be game over.

If he doesnt understand make a beautiful large cake he likes, give him a slice. And another. And when he says no more Ive had enough just remind him that baking is your love language so you expect him to eat your cake whenever you feel like it. Whether he likes it or isn’t into it. Because that’s love languages. Apparently. See if the penny drops.

load of shite. Coercive prick.

sorry op. Im still a bit bitter after finding out it was just my Fanny my then partner loved, not the rest of me.

Does he realise how lucky he is to have sex 2/3 times a week after 12 years together?

He's being a complete prat. Sex isn't a given - you both have to want it, otherwise it isn't consensual. When I started peri, I felt like I should still maintain our usual regularity as that was fair - and then realised that was completely ridiculous. I explained to my husband why I wasn't really feeling it and he's been absolutely fine about it. My body is my own and it's entirely my choice what to do with it. Whilst my husband would certainly want it more than he's getting it, he wouldn't want to be having sex if he knew I wasn't feeling it. It's just one of those things and we enjoy it when I'm feeling OK. Being guilt tripped into it isn't right at all.

Thank you for your replies. Just to be fair, my husband is a good man, he is the breadwinner and does a lot for his family. This is the main thing we argue about but the distance caused by it can be prolonged, painful and in my view, unnecessary.

Good men don’t coerce their partners into sex and emotionally blackmail and punish them.

Coercive rapists aren't good men.