AIBU regarding sex

[AnonAnon135]

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have sex on a regular basis, probably at least 2-3 times a week on average (there are times when it's everyday, other times less than once a week). If I have had a long day, I'm tired, sore and on my period, AIBU to not have sex or give my husband a blowjob if he desires it? My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable as sex is his love language. He also thinks that despite the above, we should still be intimate because it is for both of us, not just him (even in this scenario). AIBU to think he is being unfair?

1. Sex IS NOT a love language.
2. It's not "for both of you" if you said you don't want it. It's for HIM.

Do you want to have sex this often or do you do it because he wants to? Does he usually try to push/coerce you into sex after you've said no?

There is a big problem OP - just not the one he thinks it is.

Dead right here!
OP, your “D”H is an inconsiderate , manipulative and unpleasant human being.

I have a suspicion that the OP’s partner didn’t have the women of mumsnet in mind when he said to ask other women. I’m not sure who he did have in mind though - maybe a blow up doll.

Your partner wants to force you into sex you don’t want. There is a word for men like that.

He is being VVV U. Sex HAS to be something that either side can veto with no repercussions. Sex being his "love language" doesn't change that. If you end up having to do sexual things you don't want to, it's going to cause you to stop wanting sex altogether.

Give him 3 little words.

1. Consent.

2. Bodily autonomy.

He can fcuk off!

Obviously he is being unfair, OP. I think if you’re not being intimate with your partner for an extended period of time, your other half has the right to be upset about that and it’s okay for them to want to know what’s going on but forcing someone to have sex at any point, whether by force or through emotional manipulation is wrong. It’s coercion.

If I were you, I would ask your husband to think about what he’s asking you to do - to have sex/give him a blowjob when you don’t want to and to ask whether anything about that dynamic sounds off to him. No one has a right to someone else’s body - it doesn’t matter if you’re married or if your love language is physical touch (sex is not a love language). If you say no, it’s not suddenly negotiable because he says yes. He is literally asking to put something in your body - final say about that is with you, not him. And if he can’t see that, that’s a really scary admission.

Also, on the bj front, I think porn has massively miss sold how desperate women are to do it. I’m not saying it’s a terrible thing to do when you’re having fun but the idea that we would derive any pleasure from it when we’re not in the mood is absolutely bonkers.

Please don’t let your husband keep turning this back on you. Yes, he has needs but if you say no, he can sort himself out solo until you’re ready.

Wait till he’s tired and not in the mood, ask him to perform oral sex on you and see how he responds.

Sex is his love language

I’m actually snorting laughing.

The lengths these idiots will go to to get their dicks wet 😂😂😂

Tell him mutual pleasure and respect and not being seen as an arbitrary joke is your love language.

YADNBU!!! How old are you OP? If you haven't hit perimenopause yet, he may well be in for a big shock one day.

Poor, poor man having his 'rights' controlled by a mere woman and all her excuses. 🙄

The D in DH definitely standing strong for DICKHEAD in this situation.

What Hollietree said.

Sex isn't his love language.

'Touch' can be his love language, but that means hugs, sitting on the couch together etc.
It absolutely does not mean that you need to be a performing sex doll. He is using that terminology to guilt and manipulate you.

Coersion isn't consent.

He sounds like a 17 year old boy. How gross.

My DH simply wouldn't enjoy a sexual act if he knew I wasn't 100% feeling it. If I am tired he orders a takeaway and tells me to have an early night.

Edit: Also, I despise giving blowjobs and have never given my DH one, and we have been together 11 years. He hasn't even mentioned it since our initial conversation whilst dating.

Thank you all for your replies so far, I appreciate it! For those who may think I'm being unreasonable, it would be good to get your viewpoint/perspective. I'm genuinely interested to see if there is something I'm not seeing. My husband also thinks I should be grateful because there are many women who wish they had a husband/partner like him (always wanting to have sex) and that many women complain their husbands/partners don't give them enough, and therefore I'm privileged. Nevertheless, I don't think it gives him the right to be upset/angry if I'm tired/not in the mood, especially that we still have sex regularly. I can't imagine anyone being ok with that, despite how much they want to have sex!

Wow! What a selfish, horrible human being your husband is. Trying to manipulate you into sex when he knows full well you’re not up for it. That’d be a deal breaker for me.

I'm 41

Tell him you asked the women of Mumsnet and we don’t get it either.

Honestly OP, the more you write about him the worse he sounds.

My husband also thinks I should be grateful because there are many women who wish they had a husband/partner like him (always wanting to have sex) and that many women complain their husbands/partners don't give them enough

OP no woman wants a man who has no respect for her sexual autonomy. No woman wants a man to coerce her into sexual acts. You are not a walking sperm receptacle, you're a human being with the right to say no.

My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable as sex is his love language.

I love how knuckle-dragging blokes of the kind who barely acknowledge "love" are happy to use Californian psychobabble if they think it will get them more sex. I've lost count of the threads here where someone pops up to say: "my husband's love language is a blow job and a steak on demand every night."

Stop falling for this shit. He's a sex pest. You don't have to go along with it, regardless of what stupid self help name he gives it.

Im pleased im single i dont have to put up with a sex pest.

Sex is his 'love language'? What a load of baloney. If he can't show you love in other ways, such as a cuddle, a kiss, helping you in the home so that you're not knackered, he doesn't get to say sex is his love language. He's being manipulative and gross.
Sex is his love language indeed. Who does he think he is?!

The whole concept of Love Languages is pseudo-scientific bullshit, invented by a man called Gary with no formal qualifications in Psychology or any therapies. There is no scientific evidence that love languages are a 'thing' and the idea is often used to excuse coercion, unreasonable demands and controlling behaviour in relationships. It's totally meaningless, I could say my love language is Table Tennis and Otters, so fucking what?? Does that mean DH doesn't love me unless he plays Table Tennis with me and takes me to the zoo to look at the Otters whenever I want, even if he's tired, feeling unwell, injured or has other shit to do? Absolute bollocks.

Your DH clearly thinks he's so superior that you should be honoured to service him even when you're tired, under the weather or not in the mood. What he clearly fails to realise is how deeply, deeply unattractive and unsexy it is when men whine, beg and pester for sex. Most men work this out once they get through their teenage years, not very bright is he?

Don't put up with this selfish fuckwittery, OP. You deserve better.

Please tell your husband that no other women would feel lucky to feel pressured into sex. No matter how high your sex drive, everyone has off days and everyone has a right to say no for whatever reason they have. You have nothing to be grateful for in this situation!

Also remind him that he is married to you so other people’s sex drives are irrelevant. He doesn’t need to shame you into having sex because someone else felt like it yesterday when you didn’t.

DH an I have sex 3-4 times a week. If neither is in the mood it doesn't happen.
His expectation when you don't want it is coercive and GROSS.
Tell him to fuck off and have a wank the weirdo.

@neverbeenskiing

The whole concept of Love Languages is pseudo-scientific bullshit, invented by a man called Gary with no formal qualifications in Psychology or any therapies. There is no scientific evidence that love languages are a 'thing' and the idea is often used to excuse coercion, unreasonable demands and controlling behaviour in relationships.

Right?

If you told the average common or garden half-witted, abusive twat to get some therapy sessions or to pull their weight on the domestic front or do anything else that required them to consider the needs of their wife or partner they would roll their eyes so hard you could hear them.

But all the neanderthal losers in Britain are parading their knowledge of "love languages" because they've cottoned onto the fact that it allows them to justify abhorrent behaviour.