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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I torched everything?

107 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 03/07/2025 17:03

I went out last night without my partner for the first time in our 2 year relationship. I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

my partner goes out regularly and has many friends. He’s even gone out today after work and is expected home late.

it felt big for me to get invited out with my work colleagues because I don’t socialise unless it’s with my partner and people he knows.

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

he was very upset with me when i got home. I asked him to consider that I never go out and was only an hour later plus I’d told him what I was doing.

he said I’d also really upset my daughter by not being there.

I first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on. I admit I did call him a 🍆 and shouted at him. I’m not proud of myself for that. He kept on having a go so I poured a wine and he said ‘of course you’re going to have another drink,’ he was drinking btw.

He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past and in a moment on anger and being drunk, I took my engagement ring off.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and went off to London today. He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.

Am I being dense because. I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.

OP posts:
ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 03/07/2025 17:06

Don’t put your engagement ring back on. Would be my advice.

Just1712 · 03/07/2025 17:07

He is controlling you OP! and that is just not ok. I could not be with someone who needed "reassurance" before I went out, who controlled my drinks and my time to come home. I would end this relationship.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/07/2025 17:07

You did nothing wrong. He was being a controlling prick. Let him keep your engagement ring and get rid. Things will only get worse.

neverbeenskiing · 03/07/2025 17:08

Firstly, we're all adults it's ok to type the word dick.

Secondly, you're a grown woman. You don't need his permission to go out and nor should he need "reassurance" about you going out. The fact that you felt you had to placate him by promising to be home ridiculously early and promising to only have one drink shows the extent to which you're controlled by him. This is not normal, or ok.

Shouting and swearing at your partner isn't ok, but I do think there was a level of provocation here and he wanted you to lose your shit so he can play the victim and discourage you from socialising without him again.

FlowersandElephants · 03/07/2025 17:09

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s controlling and unfortunately you’re in another abusive relationship.

Augarden · 03/07/2025 17:10

OP, this is absolutely not ok. A loving partner does not try to control your life and stop you ever going out. Perhaps he will apologise later, but I implore you not to ignore this enormous warning sign. Do not marry this man!!

BotterMon · 03/07/2025 17:10

LTB as quickly as you can. Thank goodness you haven't married him yet.

TheWonderhorse · 03/07/2025 17:11

I sort of agree with everyone else, except that he's looking after your daughter for you to go? That does change things slightly, you should have been home at 8pm like you said if he wasn't okay to do bedtime with her. Of course this depends on his relationship with her whether that was his concern or whether he was just being a cock.

GardenGaff · 03/07/2025 17:11

I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

It seems your current partner prefers it that way and intends to do everything in his power to ensure you remain friendless.

How long were you single before getting involved with this prick?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 03/07/2025 17:11

🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺
Run for the hills
Do NOT marry this man!!!++

dontwannadothis · 03/07/2025 17:12

Is your daughter his or just yours?

Stardust286 · 03/07/2025 17:12

All this fuss over a couple of drinks, being an hour late and calling him an aubergine.

Jokes aside please leave he sounds bloody awful.

GuevarasBeret · 03/07/2025 17:14

I don’t think he was reasonable, but you going off on one would definitely be relationship ending for me.

He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.
He’s right to be mad at you, because who wants a relationship with someone who fights like that? Not me anyway!

I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.
But what value has your apology anyway? You actually think he fully deserved it, and obviously don’t know that losing your shit is not OK.

Learn to fight with some dignity, it’s so much better for your relationship.

In this case, he is also controlling, and you should end the relationship because of his behaviour.

momtoboys · 03/07/2025 17:16

Home at 9:00pm? GASP! Whar a dolt he is. He just wants to control you. You need to get out, make some friends and dump him. I hope you had fun out with your coworkers!

Noshadelamp · 03/07/2025 17:18

first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on
He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past @TipsyPlumUser

You are an adult and as such don't need to plead with anyone and certainly don't need "letting off" for going out and having a few drinks.

You also shouldn't have to let him know everything you're doing whilst you're out, apart from obviously coming home later than previously said, but 9 is so early anyway.

And why was he asking if you're coming home at 7 when you'd said 8?

You are STILL in a controlling relationship. This is abusive and you need to get you and your DD away from him.

yeesh · 03/07/2025 17:19

You are in another abusive relationship. Don’t let this be the example you given your daughter. He’s a controlling dickhead

Yogabearmous · 03/07/2025 17:19

He is showing you he is an abuser. Believe him. Take your child and leave him.

Hatty65 · 03/07/2025 17:20

If you going out with a friend for the first time in 2 years and coming home at 9pm caused all this fuss then I'd dump him now.

He's as controlling as the last one. Massive red flags. He shouldn't have needed any 'reassurance' before you went out. Why did he want to know if you'd be home at 7pm, when you'd clearly said at least 8pm? Why did he feel the need to pretend you'd 'upset' your DD?

He's a cock - you called it right. Don't apologise and don't continue with the relationship.

Onelifeonly · 03/07/2025 17:22

Let this one go. Sounds like you're in another abusive relationship. You did nothing wrong and he had no reason to be angry with you, so your reaction was acceptable.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/07/2025 17:25

It’s not just your past abusive relationship that’s a problem, you have a current abusive relationship to extract yourself from. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Get rid of him and focus on building a life for yourself and your child.

Ohtobemycat · 03/07/2025 17:25

Hes a cunt.
Get rid.
Build up your friendships and have a nice dickhead free life of your own.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/07/2025 17:27

Hatty65 · 03/07/2025 17:20

If you going out with a friend for the first time in 2 years and coming home at 9pm caused all this fuss then I'd dump him now.

He's as controlling as the last one. Massive red flags. He shouldn't have needed any 'reassurance' before you went out. Why did he want to know if you'd be home at 7pm, when you'd clearly said at least 8pm? Why did he feel the need to pretend you'd 'upset' your DD?

He's a cock - you called it right. Don't apologise and don't continue with the relationship.

This.

His attitude from the beginning is concerning.

Thankgoodness1 · 03/07/2025 17:29

Please see that this man is controlling. He won’t put your (shared or not) daughter to bed after two years in a relationship. Is he resentful of having to look after her or is he using his weaponised incompetence? Either way, he is being abusive towards you when he won’t let you go out for a few hours for the first time in TWO YEARS!! He is giving you a curfew and then ensuring he makes you feel awful about it so that you never do it again. He won’t change. You do know that don’t you? Please reconsider marriage.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 03/07/2025 17:29

He’s abusive. If you stay with him you won’t go out with your work colleagues again as you won’t want him behaving in the same way. That’s exactly what he wants. Bin him.

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/07/2025 17:30

Ohtobemycat · 03/07/2025 17:25

Hes a cunt.
Get rid.
Build up your friendships and have a nice dickhead free life of your own.

This covers everything

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