Have I torched everything?

[TipsyPlumUser]

I went out last night without my partner for the first time in our 2 year relationship. I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

my partner goes out regularly and has many friends. He’s even gone out today after work and is expected home late.

it felt big for me to get invited out with my work colleagues because I don’t socialise unless it’s with my partner and people he knows.

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

he was very upset with me when i got home. I asked him to consider that I never go out and was only an hour later plus I’d told him what I was doing.

he said I’d also really upset my daughter by not being there.

I first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on. I admit I did call him a 🍆 and shouted at him. I’m not proud of myself for that. He kept on having a go so I poured a wine and he said ‘of course you’re going to have another drink,’ he was drinking btw.

He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past and in a moment on anger and being drunk, I took my engagement ring off.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and went off to London today. He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.

Am I being dense because. I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.

You're currently in abusive relationship. Leave him.

1. your partner should be cheering you on that you went out with your colleagues and feeling really happy you had a good time. From your post, I read that you don’t socialize much without your partner so this was a big step and a success for you.
2. I’m really pleased you went out and enjoyed yourself - your world isn’t limited to your family at all.
3. his reaction was miles off where it should be- happy for you, taking pride in your success and encouraging you to go out again to deepen those work contacts and friends.
4. I don’t know the in and out of your relationship but I feel sad for you and seriously - keep seeing your pals and work friends. I don’t know what else to say as his behavior was really off.

This happens so often to women who leave an abusive relationship.

The next guy isn't as bad (maybe he isn't physically abusive) so they somehow think it's more acceptable than the previous relationship.

Abuse & control is out of order no matter what scale it's on.

Leave this relationship and stay single until you can find a non abusive man.

OP someone very close to me is in an abusive marriage with three small children. No violence (that we know of) but controlling and coercive behaviour like this sort of thing you’re describing. She is trapped because if she leaves him he’ll have unsupervised access to the kids. She’s playing a long game but it’s a terrible, heartbreaking situation and an utter waste of her good years.

You are at a crossroads. Please don’t pursue this. Please call it a day. It doesn’t need to be like this.

Well it can be if one of the parties want it to be.

He has given you a way out, take it. He is showing controlling behaviour and his silent treatment is abusive. Please look after yourself and your daughter, and stay safe. I hope you are ok.

I'd let this one go.

I go on holiday without my husband and he goes away for Rugby weekends without me.

We both have very different hobbies and do these as and when we like.

We don't have children to arrange care for though so that helps with freedom.

I couldn't live with fighting for being an hour later than expected x

Sorry but he's a controlling twat. You went out once. He's out a lot. Just keep that in mind.

You were in before 9 pm! That's 9...I was staying out later than that when I was 12.

You need to get rid

OP, 'read the room'. Over 90% say you've got yourselves into another abusive relationship.
You haven't been out on your own, in effect, since you met him.
Get rid and get a life for you and your daughter.
🥰

Has he put your daughter to bed before? Posters are assuming he was pissed because you went out but might he just be pissed because he thought you would be back to put your daughter back. Being pissed because you didn’t come back to put your daughter to bed when you said you would if different to him trying to control you and not want you to go out at all.

As others have all said, so much more coherently than I, you are in another controlling relationship. You were never planned to be back for bedtime, you had always said by 8, not 7. He used that to manipulate you. Which was cruel to both you and your daughter. A good man would not need you to check in all evening, he would give you a kiss, say have a great evening, I'll get DD to bed, and chat about it when you got home.

He acted like a dick, you called him out for it, and he has now DARVO'd it into being your fault. It wasn't.
You say you are already isolated, this will only get worse. Think about what will happen if you try to go out again. You will be on eggshells waiting for him to erupt at you again. He does not want you to have friends. Is this the life you want?

If this was your daughter posting, what would you advise her to do? Hopefully, it would be to get out and stay out of the relationship.

I am sure you will have heard this before but please read Lundy Bancroft and do the freedom programme.

And ignore this person with the apt username.

Being abused but not quite as bad as a previous relationship makes you feel this one is so much better. It's not. He's still abusing you. He is controlling. Do the freedom programme it will open your eyes. Some Family Hubs run the course or you can do it online. You deserve to loved and to be treated with respect. Build a new life for yourself and your daughter xx

He was being a twat before she went out, he's using the kid as an excuse to have a go at her for daring to go out.

Throw the abusive fucker in the bin OP

You dont want to hear it, but you need to recognise that what you've described means you're in another abusive relationship. Take some time to think about it and how to get out of it. You did it once, you can do it again.

He sounds awful OP. I hope you had a nice night out before he ruined it, although the constant texting to reassure him probably killed your vibe a bit.
Fwiw I went for impromptu drinks after work yesterday (sun came out!), texted DH at 6 to say I would be home late, he replied at 10 to say he was going to bed and hoped I had fun. Got home at midnight and today he just asked if I had fun. Because we're both adults who are allowed lives. You let him have his, why can't you have yours?

You left one abusive relationship for another. Please get help to figure out why and lose the controlling twat.

Your partner is the epitome of ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ 😬.

But but but
hes a man and no more info is needed. He can be labelled controlling

If someone does not let their partner out, male or female, that’s controlling.

💯 this.

It was an hour.

you maybe cannot see how crazy this is but it is really far from normal and how most people live their lives.

If you cant do it for you, do it for your dd so she doesnt have to grow up enduring and surviving this man

First reply nails it.

you’re not in a relationship. You’re expected to stay home to facilitate his friendships on his whim.

Your deserve better

He can come and go as he pleases but your ONE outing is causing drama?
Oh love, you've gone and got yourself into another abusive relationship, he is controlling you. You need to be single and work or yourself before another relationship. Just because he's not AS abusive as your ex doesn't make it ok.
A partner doesn't get to dictate what you do, you are not his posession or his property.
Please, please don't tie yourself to this man.

Bollocks
It is there in the OP:

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

He needed reassurance before she even left. She told him 8, never that she was going to be back by 7 for bedtime. He started asking if she would be back by 7, so it must have been before 7, which is barely into going out time, even for an old woman like me!

She told him 8, but still had to stay in touch while she was out. Even 9 isn't late. A normal, decent bloke would work out how to put a child to bed even if he hadn't done it before. Or failing that, say to the child, let's sit and watch cartoons for a bit while we wait for mummy. OP doesn't say what age her daughter is but either she is under 2 and his child or at least 3 and old enough to be distracted for a bit.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go from such a positive experience to such an awful one - you deserved that night out and you didn’t do anything unreasonable or wrong. Yes, you came home later than expected but it was always going to be after your daughter’s bedtime. You were entitled to get angry with your husband because he was being very controlling and using emotional manipulation to put you off doing something similar again.

If I were you, I would be extremely firm and calm when you speak about it again. Don’t let him wind you up again if possible - be calm and clear about what’s going to happen from now on. I’d apologise for the shouting and name calling but tell him that you will not be made to feel bad about having a l social life. That last night’s argument happened because of his insecurity, not your wrongdoing and that when you choose to go out again, you will do the same thing - give him a rough ETA, keep him updated and have a good time. You will not tolerate him using your daughter as emotional manipulation to try and get you to come home early/jeep you home and you will not let him ruin small moments of happiness. Then, carry on with your day and don’t let it affect you (easier said than done, I know ), but his mood doesn’t have to equal your mood. He needs to learn that you will not waste time and energy on such unreasonable, immature behaviour. And PLEASE do it again soon.