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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I torched everything?

107 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 03/07/2025 17:03

I went out last night without my partner for the first time in our 2 year relationship. I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

my partner goes out regularly and has many friends. He’s even gone out today after work and is expected home late.

it felt big for me to get invited out with my work colleagues because I don’t socialise unless it’s with my partner and people he knows.

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

he was very upset with me when i got home. I asked him to consider that I never go out and was only an hour later plus I’d told him what I was doing.

he said I’d also really upset my daughter by not being there.

I first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on. I admit I did call him a 🍆 and shouted at him. I’m not proud of myself for that. He kept on having a go so I poured a wine and he said ‘of course you’re going to have another drink,’ he was drinking btw.

He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past and in a moment on anger and being drunk, I took my engagement ring off.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and went off to London today. He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.

Am I being dense because. I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.

OP posts:
Freysimo · 03/07/2025 17:31

I'm old, and I find the number of posts like this depressing. This wasn't even acceptable back in the 70s, let alone now. Don't young women have any self respect nowadays? I'm baffled at the number of women who would even want to stay with men like this.

Leapintothelightning · 03/07/2025 17:32

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 03/07/2025 17:06

Don’t put your engagement ring back on. Would be my advice.

first response nails it.

MaryGreenhill · 03/07/2025 17:33

Sell the ring and buy yourself a life @TipsyPlumUser

Thankgoodness1 · 03/07/2025 17:34

Plus you don’t need to be “let off” for anything. You have committed a crime ffs!

ffsfindmeausername · 03/07/2025 17:35

He sounds just as controlling as the last dickhead you were with. LTB.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 03/07/2025 17:37

Oh my god, leave him TODAY!!

He's controlling you, of course you are allowed to go out, you're allowed to go out past 9pm and even get drunk!

He's playing with your emotions by bringing DD into this.

Leave him, if not for you, then for your daughters sake..

ZoggyStirdust · 03/07/2025 17:39

Need more info

his daughter too or just yours?
have you history of being unfaithful?

tripleginandtonic · 03/07/2025 17:40

He was looking after your rather than his daughter? In which case I would have been home when I said. Other than that though, he is being unreasonable making a fuss about you going out

cloudyblueglass · 03/07/2025 17:42

Hes being controlling.

Olika · 03/07/2025 17:44

You need to leave him. He is controlling and it will just get worse as time goes by. I hope you are able to see it.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/07/2025 17:45

The pitting daughter to bed thing is a red herring here. It doesn't matter whose child it is. Any nice man would have said to her that
mummy deserves a nice night out and she would be back soon. He would have made her evening fun and allowed his partner to enjoy herself for a while longer. Two years with no nights out is a very long time.

Chungai · 03/07/2025 17:47

TheWonderhorse · 03/07/2025 17:11

I sort of agree with everyone else, except that he's looking after your daughter for you to go? That does change things slightly, you should have been home at 8pm like you said if he wasn't okay to do bedtime with her. Of course this depends on his relationship with her whether that was his concern or whether he was just being a cock.

Yes this was my question, he's still being a dick but if that's the first time he's looked after your daughter I would have made an effort to be back at the time arranged for her sake.

metalmutha · 03/07/2025 17:49

So he can go out and have friends but you can't? The one time you do go out you are emotionally manipulated by him. This is coercive control and will only get worse after marriage. Believe me, I've been there, and it erodes your sense of self and you start to question everything.
Run fast and run far.
Use his time on London to change those locks.

FortyElephants · 03/07/2025 17:52

You've got another abusive relationship. Please end it and get your daughter away from him.

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2025 17:52

He is abusive and controlling, you are falling straight back into another abusive relationship.

3luckystars · 03/07/2025 17:54

That’s really really controlling, he was bullying you to come home from early on, if he cared about you he would encourage you to go out.

Then he then made comments about your drinking. You reacted to this because YOU KNOW what he was doing is wrong.

Get away from him.

Don’t ignore the warnings. You are in a really really controlling and toxic relationship, sorry it only became apparent now, but you were doing exactly what he wanted until yesterday.

Things were ok up to now, but now you need to be punished because you made him uncomfortable when you stepped out of line yesterday.

This is not going to get better. You know the story x

persisted · 03/07/2025 17:55

Have I torched everything?

Hopefully. You're not a child who needs permission, you get to make those decisions.
Anyone not on board with that can fuck off.

Thankfully you get to see the light now rather than after the wedding. Onwards to better things.

fthisfthatfeverything · 03/07/2025 17:56

He didn’t like you out and provoked you

OneNaiceSnail · 03/07/2025 18:01

tripleginandtonic · 03/07/2025 17:40

He was looking after your rather than his daughter? In which case I would have been home when I said. Other than that though, he is being unreasonable making a fuss about you going out

Edited

She’s literally marrying him, and was home by 9pm. Why the fuck is she marrying a man who cannot even out what will be his stepdaughter to bed one night?

Orangemintcream · 03/07/2025 18:08

Everything you’ve written speaks of an abusive relationship.

I think you need to ditch him and get some therapy.

YourWildAmberSloth · 03/07/2025 18:13

You have walked into another abuse relationship.

proximalhumerous · 03/07/2025 18:16

None of this is normal.

Happyher · 03/07/2025 18:17

You haven’t torched anything, you’ve shone a light on your partners true character

SoMuchBadAdvice · 03/07/2025 18:21

You are having a row, it's not the end of the world, and it won't last forever. Further, it won't be the last one that you ever have.

The trick is for both of you to manage your behaviour so that a minor row doesn't become terminal to the relationship.

At some point in the future you both need to discuss and agree on your expectations for when one of you goes out, but maybe wait until this has blown over.

Funnywonder · 03/07/2025 18:28

SoMuchBadAdvice · 03/07/2025 18:21

You are having a row, it's not the end of the world, and it won't last forever. Further, it won't be the last one that you ever have.

The trick is for both of you to manage your behaviour so that a minor row doesn't become terminal to the relationship.

At some point in the future you both need to discuss and agree on your expectations for when one of you goes out, but maybe wait until this has blown over.

Never was a username so apt. This is so much more than a row!

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