Have I torched everything?

[TipsyPlumUser]

I went out last night without my partner for the first time in our 2 year relationship. I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

my partner goes out regularly and has many friends. He’s even gone out today after work and is expected home late.

it felt big for me to get invited out with my work colleagues because I don’t socialise unless it’s with my partner and people he knows.

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

he was very upset with me when i got home. I asked him to consider that I never go out and was only an hour later plus I’d told him what I was doing.

he said I’d also really upset my daughter by not being there.

I first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on. I admit I did call him a 🍆 and shouted at him. I’m not proud of myself for that. He kept on having a go so I poured a wine and he said ‘of course you’re going to have another drink,’ he was drinking btw.

He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past and in a moment on anger and being drunk, I took my engagement ring off.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and went off to London today. He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.

Am I being dense because. I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.

He called me a short time ago and said he wasn’t angry last night, that I’m not listening and that I hugely overreacted. He likened my calling him a dick to being physically abusive. He said I told him it was his fault I shouted at him. He said it’s like punching someone in the face and saying it’s their fault you’re hitting them. I tried explaining that him having a go at me as soon as I walked in was really difficult for me particularly because of my past. He said I need to apologise for my actions

He’s gaslighting you. Saying your memory of the situation is wrong. Saying you need to apologise. Do you live together? Can you just block him?

Ugh, bin him. He’s loved you being under his thumb hasn’t he? So now he’s showing you exactly how much hassle it’ll be if you want a life of your own - it’s designed to get you safely back under that thumb.

Please read about DARVO. He is doing exactly what he is accusing you of.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO#:~:text=DARVO%20(an%20acronym%20for%20%22deny,manipulation%20strategy%20of%20psychological%20abusers.

Everything she said. This is a massive red flag!! Get out!!! Well done for standing up for yourself. Don’t repeat the cycle girl!!!!!

He’s now gaslighting you about what he said last night.

Don’t marry him and leave him! He’s shown you who he is, take note

You’re in another abusive relationship. Get rid.

So he’s now gaslighting you into thinking that you, being annoyed at him, being controlling last night, is your fault? OP you need to use your previous experience to see the wood for the trees in this relationship. The fact that you’ve posted indicates you already know this.

you’ve not been out for 2 years. His reaction to you being an hour late in a healthy relationship would be “no problem, I’m really glad you had a good night!” .
He must have already known he’d be doing the bedtime routine before you went out. You had prearranged to come home at 8 and he contacted you wanting you to come back at 7 is already controlling unless your daughter was having some sort of medical episode. If he has been in your daughter’s life for 2 years and you are engaged to be married, there should be no issue in him occasionally helping with childcare while you have a social life.
Get out now OP.

This relationship sounds like an absolute joke.

What do you actually get out of it

Totally agree with PP - he’s gaslighting you. Probably realised he acted like a total idiot and is now rewriting history so you’re the bad guy. Luckily, you know you’re not. You have done nothing wrong apart from call him a few names when he made you feel bad. Please tell him you’re not stupid and you see exactly what he’s trying to do. Remind him that you apologised for the name calling and you’re still waiting for his apology for using emotional manipulation to guilt you into coming home/staying home.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Predictable script of an abusive controller

He doesn't need it explaining, he knows exactly what he's doing - it's a feature, not a bug.

He is abusive, he's making you feel this way on purpose, he's not going to suddenly realise he's an arsehole and turn into prince charming. (and if he appears to, it's lovebombing, it's not real)

He knows what your past relationship has made you vulnerable to and is exploiting it. He's misjudged how strong you are though, and he's shown you the real him too soon. Don't put that ring back on, kick him out, and thank your lucky stars you got rid of him before you got married.

Calling him an aubergine that proper made me laugh 🤣🤣🤣🤣

He sounds like a dick and was massively in the wrong but there is no way on this planet I would let a man I’d been going out with for 2 years put my daughter to bed or be alone with her. You really just never know.

So only he’s allowed out to enjoy himself? You have to be timed like a teenager and get a telling off for being an hour over your curfew? He’s a controlling dick.

@TheWonderhorse Wasn't he looking after their child? He was not baby-sitting for a third party was he?

I'm joining in with the chorus that you're in another controlling and abusive relationship. You should leave him.

The OP refers to partner and "my daughter" so we are assuming partner is not the child's dad.

Don't worry about torching this relationship Op, it needs to be over anyway. He goes out often, he stays out late, you go out once and he can't deal with that, he's another control freak Op. He didn't expect you to shout, he expected apologies and promises not to go out again.
Save yourself Op, you got away from your abuser, do it again now

Your update just confirms what everyone is saying. He's abusive. After the occasional arguments DH and I have had, we say sorry and all goes back to normal - no counter accusations and dragging out what each did wrong and why an apology is needed. Sometimes we don't even mention it again, just get on with life. You NEED to "torch this".

I don't think there is one person on here who thinks.you are in the wrong / should apologise / are the arsehole

This is a pivotal moment and you need to decide whether you want to sign up for control and misery or whether you want to cut this guy lose and live a good life.

More red flags here than a communist parade 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'm going out tomorrow night. With a load of blokes I used to work with. The only thing my husband has said about it is that he will do something nice with the kids, maybe take them out for a meal, and keep them quiet in the morning in case I'm not feeling amazing. That's what a normal healthy relationship looks like

He is saying “listen”. He means “obey”

You've walked into another abusive relationship. I'd be telling him to fuck off out of my life.