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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I torched everything?

107 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 03/07/2025 17:03

I went out last night without my partner for the first time in our 2 year relationship. I haven’t got any friends due to a past abusive relationship.

my partner goes out regularly and has many friends. He’s even gone out today after work and is expected home late.

it felt big for me to get invited out with my work colleagues because I don’t socialise unless it’s with my partner and people he knows.

He needed a lot of reassurance when I went out. I said I expected I’d have two drinks and be home by 8. I had four drinks and was home by 9.

i kept in touch while I was out and he seemed ok but did start asking if id be back to put my daughter to bed at 7.

he was very upset with me when i got home. I asked him to consider that I never go out and was only an hour later plus I’d told him what I was doing.

he said I’d also really upset my daughter by not being there.

I first tried to plead about the fact I don’t go out and I thought he could let me off but he kept on. I admit I did call him a 🍆 and shouted at him. I’m not proud of myself for that. He kept on having a go so I poured a wine and he said ‘of course you’re going to have another drink,’ he was drinking btw.

He wouldn’t back down and I said it reminds me a lot of the control I experienced in the past and in a moment on anger and being drunk, I took my engagement ring off.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and went off to London today. He texted me saying he didn’t appreciate me shouting or being called a 🍆 and that he’s right to be mad at me.

Am I being dense because. I can’t see what I did wrong besides lose my 💩 and call him a 🍆- which I have already apologised for.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/07/2025 12:32

He is a controlling and gaslighting abuser. Please find a way out of this relationship for you and your daughter

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/07/2025 13:09

DP went out last Saturday. I didn't know who with, or where, or what time she'd be home**. I told her to have a good night, and then when she came back, asked her if she'd enjoyed herself. No questioning, no "worrying", no judging, no controlling. Just a genuine desire for her to go out and enjoy herself. That's how relationships should work @TipsyPlumUser , not whatever the hell your dickhead of a partner is trying to pull.

**Probably not because she hadn't told me, much more likely that I hadn't listened, or not retained the information in my brain for more than 5 minutes.

BMW6 · 04/07/2025 13:12

TeeBee · 04/07/2025 09:26

You've walked into another abusive relationship. I'd be telling him to fuck off out of my life.

This. Don't fool yourself.

Leapintothelightning · 04/07/2025 13:23

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/07/2025 13:09

DP went out last Saturday. I didn't know who with, or where, or what time she'd be home**. I told her to have a good night, and then when she came back, asked her if she'd enjoyed herself. No questioning, no "worrying", no judging, no controlling. Just a genuine desire for her to go out and enjoy herself. That's how relationships should work @TipsyPlumUser , not whatever the hell your dickhead of a partner is trying to pull.

**Probably not because she hadn't told me, much more likely that I hadn't listened, or not retained the information in my brain for more than 5 minutes.

Edited

Exactly this. I went out straight from work (lunchtime) last Friday as it was end of term. Told DH the rough plan and said I hadn’t decided how long I would stay but I probably wouldn’t be home to do bedtime. And he said “ok enjoy yourself, I’ll see you when you get home. My dad says if you want a lift home just give him a call”

Wishimaywishimight · 04/07/2025 13:28

If you marry this man, this is what the rest of your life will be.

You have, sadly, gone from one abusive relationship to another.

recipientofraspberries · 04/07/2025 13:55

You've gone from one abusive relationship into another.

MischiefandMayhemManaged · 04/07/2025 13:59

Run and don't look back. You told him you would't be back till 8. and he then started asking if you'd be back by 7 to put your daughter to bed. An hour earlier than the original plan, beforee you stayed out longer. Which BTW is perfectly acceptable!

He's raising red flags all over the shop at this point.

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