To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

Sometimes at night the tiredness kicks in and a child might feel as if they want to go home. However, she was safe, with friends and had exciting things to do the next day. Unless a child is ill, it's good for their resilience to stay. It's also good for the rest of the children - if they are someone going home then others are likely to feel homesick too. Praise her for staying the full time and encourage her to do it again - 'know you know you can do it, you will be fine next time'. Xx

Total overreaction. You are projecting your insecurities onto your child and are incorrectly inferring that your child's supervisors were remiss. You should be hugging her and congratulating her on her achievement. These residentials are designed to foster resilience and independence in school children. Skills to take forward in to adult life. Something to be celebrated.

It might have been your nearness to the place that set her off! 😅

It’s shocking how many parents think that children should never ever be sad ever and if they are then it’s their job to make a fuss about it. FFS these children will grow up to have no resilience to face the really shit stuff that happens when they grow up. Anxious parents make anxious children and they’re certainly not doing anyone any favours.

Dear lord! You have definately never taken 30 children away! Can you imagine the carnage with them all on the phone to parents!

Oh OP, we were in the exact same position. DD hated her residential. The teachers talked her into staying and she didn't want to miss out or regret going home but she hated it and really regrets it. It took months before she would go to bed without asking for extra cuddles. She never admitted it to the teachers, not even years later how awful it was for her but she has declined every residential and every sleepover since. She's missed out on some great stuff. It's really done a number on her. I didn't bring it up with the school because they clearly tried to do the right thing by trying to talk her round and for most kids it would have been fine.
I wouldn't bring it up with school but leave it up to her to agree to another one when she feels ready.... Hopefully, it won't take as long for you as it seems to be taking us.

Shes probably also exhausted less sleep and having to behave etc.

None of them ever answering the door as adults…..

What a fabulous answer.

Often kids have a great time during the day which I assume she did as you don't mention about this spilling into the daytime activity and it is only at bed time they "realise" they are away. There clearly wasn't that much of an issue or they would have called especially as you are so close.

Praise her on being able to cope and being so grown up instead.

This. I remember one trip when we decided it would be fun to have an evening campfire and singsong before bedtime. One child got a bit upset, not crying, but a bit wobbly, and before we knew it there were about half of them in tears. I think it was the combination of a busy tiring day, sitting round a campfire in the dark and an emotional trigger. We abandoned the campfire, went in, told everyone to get into their jammies, made hot chocolate and doled out hob nob biscuits and hugs for those who needed them. Teeth cleaned, all into bed. everyone asleep within 15 minutes.

All further trips we abandoned the camp fire option and did torch lit night walks ( eight o clock, not midnight) instead.

Agree with the poster upthread who says concentrate on the positives of the trip, the activities, working as a team with friends, doing new things, sleeping away from home for the first time.

What an utter overreaction. Of course she missed home, of course she missed you but the teachers took care of her and she was clearly fine during the day otherwise you would have been called.

It is utterly demoralising when you’ve given up your free time as a teacher (time away from your families) to take children away to get a complaint from a parent over absolutely nothing.

Reassure her and move on. Building her resilience would be far wiser than steam rollering her problems away with complaints.

This.

And she will feed off your upset and will just focus on how she was homesick at night rather than all the positive, fun activities she did. It's up to you to put a positive spin on things, not focus on the negative.

Maybe she should have slept away from home before 11. Y6 residential is usually quite full on, maybe you should have broken her in gently with other residentials eg Brownies, school (DS's school did shorter residentials from Y3)

Do you think she might have been bullied? You could do with hearing someone else's version of events really, I wouldn't assume that the teachers were purposely upsetting her.

This with bells on. I’ve led residential trips for 20 years and after the most ridiculous complaints this year I won’t do any more.

Parents like you are part of the reason that highly qualified and experienced teachers are leaving the profession in droves. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the teachers you're thinking of bollocking have given up their own time with their own families to take your child away. Unpaid and usually with fuck all thanks. All too often with a sprinkling of 'well I hope the teachers have paid for their place on the trip, they're on holiday too' 🙄 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

Please don't do this, you'll look unhinged. I highly doubt she was the only homesick child. She's at the age she needs to learn resilience. Crying for 20 minutes seems excessive, have you babied her?

I wish mine had ever missed me.
First time she went away was with the Brownies. All of them were crying on departure apart from her. She cried when she came back. Most independent child ever.

The whole point of these rezzys is to try to get the kids to build a bit of resilience away from parents.

DS went on one in year 5 and year 6, both mon-fri. Both times we were told we wouldn't be talking to the kids at all, that if they were upset they'd be encouraged to speak to friends or staff, and that all of the kids cry at some point on the trip and rushing to speak to call home only makes them more upset and unlikely to settle for the rest of the trip.

Get ready for secondary, OP. We got literally nothing for the entirety of the Yr 7 PGL trip, not even a 'We arrived safely'.

Sometimes the action that's best for the child in the longer term is the one that makes them more upset in the short. You might not agree with their methods, but the school have all of the experience of running these trips so they know how it works best.

I’m sure OP has long gone but this is the reason I dread getting back from a residential the predictable pathetic complaints.

I give my (UNPAID) time willingly for my children at school, time taken from my own children. I don’t sleep properly to be there for any night time wobbles or illness. I am exhausted at the end and get back knowing that a complaint is just around the corner.

Never founded, never true, just a parent loving a moan.

I know several teachers and now schools who don’t do residential anymore because of this.

It’s such a shame as they are so good for the children.

This

Honestly, you are overreacting.

I think you are overreacting - I think reaction unhelpful in teaching resilience and normalising homesickness.

20 minutes crying? And then OK?

Imagine the uproar if parents were called every time a child was homesick? They would be inconvenienced, lose their money spent on the trip and in most cases, the children have a few tears and then feel better and get on with it! About half the children will have had a moment of homesickness so would half the parents expect to have the residential cut short?

I went on a residential when I was 10 for a week. Got homesick and cried to the teachers a few days in. They spoke to me and reassured me and didn’t call my parents. I got over it and on retrospect am glad it’s the case