To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

I think the question you should be asking yourself is why didn’t I give my DD the opportunity to stay away from home previously and she might then not have struggled so much with a school trip at 11. She should have been having overnights away for years now. You’ve cosseted her, not allowed her to have normal childhood experiences and gain independence and confidence, then you are angry at the school because she can’t cope?!? She’s way too old for this to be her first time away from home which is why she has struggled. This is your fault, not the schools.

Think you are massively over reacting op tbh. Your dd deserves chance to grow, to build resilience, to look fwd to new experiences etc. Not to feel staying with friends for a few nights, with teachers, in safe place, is something to be terrified of. We all love our kids , part of that is allowing them to gain and to want independence. It's hard, but it's the right thing to foster as a parent.

In our case there was no correlation between struggling on the residential and sleepovers.
My child HAD been on sleepovers with friends prior to the residential. One night away at a besties house knowing how to get home if you really needed to or that you know your friends mum will drop a message to your parents if needed is totally different.
No one reasonably expects a school to ring every parent if a child sheds a few tears however going by the OPs update the situation away mirrored ours, a distraught child given alternative sleeping arrangements due to disturbing other children and no communication about this occurring because someone has decided that a lesson in resilience is needed.
If this child’s version is accurate, as my own child’s was and backed up by other children and staff, the group leader should have absolutely have phoned home and asked the parents what they want to do.
Residential trips that my other children have been on since in that school have always now said if a child is upset to the point that they can’t sleep in the dorm, the child asks to go home, or there are multiple crying incidents then the group leader will touch base with parents and ask if they want to collect.
My other son went recentlyin the last few weeks for an 4 night away trip and out of 70 children, apparently 3 children went home prior to bedtime on the second day, it is not uncommon and good communication is key.

So your daughter had never stayed away from home on a sleepover and you then thought it a good idea to do three days at a residential trip.

i think that says more about you as a parent, than someone who has prepared their child.

If you agree with @MumWifeOther who doesn’t let her children go because of nonces etc, then why did you let your DD go?

You should know that some secondary schools run residentials early in their first term of Year 7 as a “getting to know each other” exercise.

An observation: 11 is Scout age. In our Scout Group we take the kids on camps from Beaver age (6) upwards. At Scout age, not only do we expect them to be away from home without too much angst, we even expect them to cook their own dinners (with help). In 8 years of running the youngest section, I've had two kids go home due to wobbles. Others have had wobbles, sure, but they've worked through them with us. And their parents report afterwards that their kids walk a bit taller, are more willing to try new things etc.

Anecdotally, a couple of teachers have told us that on residentials, they can tell which kids have been on a Scouts night away.

Our primary school doesn’t allow phones or any electronics on the residential and they don’t do phone calls home.

I think it’s pretty normal for children not to be able to call home on these types of trips. It’s would be far too disruptive. I remember my primary school residential in the early 90’s and phone calls home were definitely not allowed.

I work with teenagers and university students and I’ve noticed that many lack resilience. They struggle to cope in unexpected or unusual situations and need so much hand holding. We’re not doing them any favours by coddling them and being too protective.
The school did the right thing not calling you Op.

A strongly worded email to the head is a complete overreaction, however, having a private chat with the class teacher is appropriate to understand more of the background.

Teaching them resilience by being away from home at 11 years old???

What a load of bollocks!

Thankfully, they don’t do those sort of trips where I live so DS hasn’t attended one. Also, they weren’t run when I was a kid in the UK either, because I’d have absolutely hated it as I wasn’t friends with any of the other girls in my class.

Imagine at work being told you’d have to spend 5 days doing team building exercises with a load of work colleagues inc. a couple of people you don’t particularly like and having to share sleeping quarters with them too? It’s to build your resilience!!

Not a feckin’ chance. You’d probably also have a little cry and want to go home. 😂

Do you not think it’s important that children develop confidence, resilience and independence? At 11 years old I would fully expect these to be a priority in preparation for secondary school and young adulthood.
Residential school trips play a huge part in that. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to make memories with their friends. Residential trips in primary school are typically 1 or 2 nights not 5.

As an adult you should have already developed independence and resilience. And lots of people do go on work trips with colleagues which can involve people they don’t like or even know. In fact, I’ve just got back from 10 days in Asia with 6 colleagues. Before the trip I’d only met one of them. We didn’t share rooms but we’re adults so completely different to a primary school trip.

As a Leader at the top end, yes. We take them away for a week at a time - no electronics, plenty of jobs learning how to be independent and working with each other. The oldest showing the youngest the way.

occasionally some wobble. We manage it for the most part. Very occasionally we need to ring a parent - I’ve always said scout camp isn’t a prison camp - but where that happens there tends to be underlying reasons. The kids have built their resilience in the earlier sections. This includes many kids with various SEN diagnosis’s.

I really don’t understand sone parents attitude of wrapping their kids in cotton wool. There will always be some exceptions - some SEN (not all) or something*. But for the majority these kids in 7 years time could be going to uni, or taking another big life step. Surely it’s our job to ensure they are ready for that?

*wrong word, can’t think of right one…

All your daughter remembers is the bad bits she had not all the fun she had during the day.

it’s your fault for not prepping her if she’s never been on an overnight to trusted family then goes away for days.

my DS would get upset to be away from home and cry when we were all sleeping in the same hotel room or staying at my grandparents as a family.

maybe get your daughter to join something like scouts/guides as they go away and it’s builds resilience. My DS hated the nights but once there he had a great time. Now can’t keep him home from camps.

it’s too late to do anything now but now is time to plan for the future.

you are definitely not being unreasonable. The English still cant get away from the Victorian tradition of sending kids off to boarding schools at a young age under the misguided notion that it `builds character'. Residential trips in primary school are not only unnecessary but cause more grief than they are worth especially as emotions will run high after the event as they will likely had had very little sleep. I was lucky that I never had to go on one and I am the most resilient person I know. When kids get to 13 or 14 then they are old enough to actually enjoy going away for a few days with school. At 16 they are old enough to not need their parents most of the time and that's when they will be much more receptive to being independent. At 10 or 11 kids need their parents nearly all the time. It frankly says it all that if the school feel the need to prevent young kids from having phones /being able to call home for fear of giving vent to homesickness then they are too young to go away. Making kids go on these pointless residentials only serves to make them less likely to want to do it again when older

Comparing a 3 night residential to boarding school is ridiculous.

And at 10/11 years old children should have some independence and be able to cope without their parent present every minute of the day. If you waiting until they’re 16 then you’re doing them a disservice.

Most kids have a great time at 11 and gain a lot from it. Lots of nationalities have school residentials at age 11 by the way. Your "only the English" post is silly. As many "only the English" posts tend to be.

How would you Police this? Make sure every child had a member of staff looking over their shoulder for 30 minutes to an hour to check what they were accessing on their phone. Then wait for the parental complaints to roll in because Teachers dont have eyes in the back of their head and a child has managed to send another child something unpleasant.

I'm also wondering if, by not letting her DD go on sleepovers at friends' houses, the OP has - unintentionally, I'm sure - conveyed a message that all people outside immediate family are unsafe. If DD has now internalised that message, then I wonder if that could lead to longer term anxiety problems, about being in unfamiliar situations with non-family individuals. I am not a developmental psychologist though, and I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

(Obviously there are sensible limits to allowing kids to go overnight with other people - there were a couple of times when I refused to let my own DD go to a friends' house because I didn't feel confident I knew the adults involved well enough. But it's not the same if it's a blanket prohibition.)

Exactly! More trouble than it’s worth.

Usually this makes the child worse not better, they hear mum or dad and get more upset. Making a collection more likely.

OP, hopefully there are some trusted adults in your DD’s life that she could do the odd night sleep over occasionally? I think she could do with some gentle time away from you, in a safe setting, to build up that confidence and to not let staying away from you become a bigger thing in her mind. Not straight away but not too long either.

Of course you’re over reacting. In a spectacular way. How on earth is she 11 but has never stayed away from home before?

That’s the only thing that you ought to be taking away from this experience. My daughter when is 8 just had a camping weekend (at the school). I’d be mortified if she had been ‘inconsolable’ at that weekend. It’s all your doing for not having given her these experiences before the age of 11. That’s not love, that’s mollycoddling.

My experience of starting with family was really good for overnights. We did it from baby and toddler - so it was normal for them.
This progressed into them travelling independently as teenagers to an overnight, plus of course school and scouts residentials.
One of mine turned 18 and a week later headed to Japan for 3 months on his own, then NZ, then Canada. Came back 10 months later having had amazing, exciting, maturing, challenging and life-changing experiences.

I understand your concerns - but I do believe in finding a progression of independence, managing risk and judgements for themselves, learning really basic things like how to find the right bus, buy train tickets, deal with delays and cancellations, learn to live outside of my family and culture etc is really important.

That’s great, because as you know there is currently a world wide shortage of over anxious adults who can’t relate to other people and have no social skills.

If I had had a chance to have a quick conversation with my daughter I would have tried to reassure her she was going to be fine, will have a great time tomorrow etc etc

Anyone who has run a residential trip will tell you the worst thing for homesick children is phoning home, no matter how much the parents try to reassure their children.