To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

Ok, I can live with that 😬

Because they were embarrassed because they felt that in their final year of primary they ‘should’ have been able to cope.
Plus they were so exhausted and relieved to be home they went straight to bed and fell to sleep. The message came from the other parents within 30 minutes of me being home so apart from picking up a very tired and uncommunicative child I had no inkling initially that anything had gone wrong, especially because when I collected from the classroom door the teacher told me ‘what a trooper’ they had been.

Ok 🙄

And I know kids who were abused on sleep overs and their lives were turned upside down.

I know which scenario I’d rather take my chances with, hun.

I’m in the stiff upper lip camp OP.

dd2 was terrible at this sort of thing but she got on with it and she’s all the stronger for it. If you as a parent and ultimate influence pander to your children and give them the message that they can’t cope, then where are they going to find that inner voice that tells them that actually, they can?

This

You are massively over-reacting.

Why on earth did you promise your child they could go home if they weren’t happy without having agreed this was a possibility with staff beforehand?

And I know kids that were mollycoddled so much by helicopter parents, that their lives were a misery. They never were able to live independently or happily.

I did speak the school before hand, which is why my formal complaint was upheld.
Other parents were communicated with that week about issues with their children, as I asked if it had been decided by the team not make any calls home, I just didn’t get one.

At age 11, she should be starting to get used to being away. It may be that the school wanted her to get used to this. You need to be careful not to infantilise her. You're overreacting

There's a difference between "I miss my family" and "I want to go home" if she's not specified that she wanted to go home the staff wouldn't know that she has wanted to go home. She's cried for all of 20 minutes out of what I assume was a couple of nights away. I wouldn't be sending angry emails to school staff who didn't know specifically that your daughter wanted you to pick her up and bring her back home with you. She probably enjoyed the activities despite being a little bit homesick

This.

@crossmummas, please do not prevent your DD from growing up and developing resilience just because you have not managed to do so.

And I know a friend who almost died on her 18th Birthday because her parents never let her do anything at all and she went batshit crazy!

Dammed if you do…

I don't think the school did anything wrong here. I would only be expected to be contacted if my child had expressed they wanted to leave. Missing home is a natural emotion and she probably wasn't the only tired emotional 11 year old they had this from. How do you know she was crying 20minutes?

You had every right to complain from what you have said and it is right that your complaint was upheld.

But your child’s experience is NOT comparable.

Twenty minute homesickness tears just before bed when they’re exhausted and missing mum (even every night) is pretty common place and any teacher would easily be able to reassure and settle.

It’s NOT a child being placed in another room on their own, due to being inconsolable after you’ve spoken to the teacher, which I personally think was utterly wrong.

The two things can’t be compared. Sorry they just can’t.

Depends if OP’s daughter was uncontrollably crying for 20 mins everyday, how upset she was, was it 20 minutes or longer etc
The lead teacher in our case made a judgement call that they were handling the situation and that ultimately they decided that teaching my child that they could ultimately manage being away despite their distress would lead to increased resilience.
Was there any malice in their judgement call, no not at all, should they have made that judgement call? Absolutely not.
If you have an acutely distressed child for any length of time a phone call home should be made and one person doesn’t get to decide what is distressed enough.
In our case a phone call home and a chat probably would have calmed the situation, I had prior to the trip even offered to drop my child there for the activities and collect at the end of the day.
I still have the utmost respect and faith in 99% of teaching and support staff, I have many family members who work in education. I still encourage all my children to partake in all trips and opportunities, but my eldest has still yet to go on another overnight stay away from family because of the experience we have had.
Im hoping as they get older and now have control of their own phone they will feel able to try again.

@lessglittermoremud

I agree with what you’ve said. As a teacher leading a residential we make decisions all the time. Is this child ill? Does their homesickness warrant chivvying or sending home? We don’t always get it right but absolutely try and act in the best interests of the child at all times.

This thread has definitely made a three hour wait at my daughters sports club more amusing, and I thank my lucky stars I’m not nuts enough to think everyone my daughter comes into contact with is a n**ce!

The OP stated 20 mins, not longer.

Where has she got that information from is the point I’m trying to make, did her child say it was 20 minutes? Was it really only 5 or was it 30 minutes?
If nothing has been communicated by the school whilst away or on the child’s return then you can only go by what your child is saying.
From the OP original post it sounds like it’s the child making her mum aware that she cried not a teacher on collection. I’m sure the Op wouldn’t be considering sending in email if the teacher on collection said
‘just to mention Freda got a little upset at bedtime whilst she was away, she soon settled and really participated in all the days events, so apart from that little wobble sh’e had a great time!’

How on earth have you let your daughter get to age 11 without spending a night away from home? Of course she was upset if she’s been this molly coddled.

agree with PP…I would never go as a teacher on school trips now. This is crazy. Where do you get the twenty minutes from??? Did she have a timer?? Obviously she was homesick …all children are. We tuck them up and reassure them . tomorrow is another day. This is crazy. You and she would look absolutely mad if you gone to pick her up, I can guarantee.

At 11, I went to Holland with school

My dd went to bloody Eurodisney at age 9. For a week! With random kids she didn't know!

I have to say though that it was with a support group for siblings of children with a specific rare disability, to give them a special treat away from what was not a 'normal' household for any of them. So they all had a unique bond and could be somewhere without feeling 'different' from their peers. Every last one of them knew exactly what the other's life might be like, didn't have to hide anything or make excuses.

Doing normal stuff with normal kids (I use the word 'normal' in its purest sense)
whilst also knowing that these other kids 'knew' and would not poke fun or look down on their brother or sister if they knew of their condition. Kids can be cruel. It was a hugely successful and bonding exercise.

It was nothing but beneficial to all to do something different and exciting with a load of kids who understood, and rarely got a chance to be adventurous, because of their sibling's disability. It's really hard in the school holidays to do something that will suit a disabled child yet also give an NT child the chance to develop beyond what the disabled child is capable of.

So it was a raging success. She said she felt a bit sad being away from us but it was nice to do something without the constant restrictions we face every day.
It gave her freedom to have fun whilst knowing that everyone there was in the same boat as her. That made for a deeper understanding of everyone there.
All the kids were aged from 7 - 14 but the age variations did not matter at all.
They all were kind and friendly, as was she. She made particular friends with a boy who was 13 and very kind to her. He has a sister the same age as her sister so they talked about that. See, it's not weird that he's 13 and she's 9.
They both have a sister the same age who suffers the same rare disability.

Consequently we have them to visit occasionally. We invite and they pop down to see us and stay over.

It's a fucking nightmare to be honest. Nobody sleeps, the two learning disabled kids are horrendously disruptive all night. And I mean most of the night.

But they'd be just the same at home so no change there then.

At least we've cooked something nice and had a flagon of wine and have somebody to talk to.

It at least gives us the chance to check in with other people with the same problems.

So. Your daughter cried for 20 minutes. Cry me a river.