To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

I think you should maybe try to reframe it for your DD and ask her what she had fun doing, what she enjoyed, what did she do with her friends etc. Missing home is normal and should be normalised not heightened. Try not to put your emotions on your DD. The hardest part as a parent is the letting go part as they grow up. Embrace and celebrate it. Tell her how proud you are of her.

I would suspect things weren’t as bad as you are imagining and that she wasn’t crying the whole time she was away. School would have responded differently if that were the case.

You’re being ridiculous.

I know this isn’t the same precisely - but here’s my tuppence worth..
My child is profoundly disabled - can’t stand, walk,, eat, drink or talk (those are the highlights). She’s also full of energy, very adventurous, a risk to herself as she’s a whizz in her wheelchair with no sense of danger, very funny and so on.
She’s had respite offers at a hospice 45 minutes drive from us. A lot of people on MN advocate for respite for disabled children.. it’s not a school trip (but I’d sign her up for one if one was on offer!) but there’s a good reason for this sensible MN view!…
First time - I didn’t sleep, I was terrified (actually the first time I stayed IN the hospice because it’s allowed and the staff thought I was a helicopter parent - I probably am but my first daughter is deceased and I’m not taking chances on this one!!).
Sometimes she doesn’t like it (she gets about 3-4 respite nights a year), and once I had to come at 6am as she was poorly. Mostly she absolutely loves it and sleeps through the night which she doesn’t at home.
its my lengthy way of saying… I know I might die before her. Every step I take to aid her independence if or when I die can only help, not hinder her. Even if it’s a bit difficult for her sometimes (it’s always terrible for me though I have had a chance to go to the pub or the cinema a few times in her 8 years because I allow her to go away from me). She’s grown to be a confident girl capable of figuring out how to endear adults and which ones she can trust and how to show that.
OP - I don’t know much about regular parenting obviously but I’d at least hear what the staff had to say before complaining - and maybe (it’s a gentle suggestion) think about the overall experience as one that hasn’t caused irreparable harm to her and can only benefit from that experience.

Do not, DO NOT keep checking Find my iPhone. As soon as they stop for a few minutes you think they have been involved in a multi-car pile-up. I'm still doing it (DD is 35)

Mine is older than that. And I've recently become aware that she now does it to her elderly parents too 😧(That's me btw)

I haven't done that no, admittedly. But I don't see why they can't just say an hour/30 mins a bit before bed they can use the phone but only to call family rather than game/SM/tiktok etc.

I think we were allowed to phone home as kids in the 80s on these things and there wouldn't have even been mobiles. I don't remember it being a massive issue.

She was homesick for a few days. That is ok. You can’t protect your children from having any negative feelings. That just isn’t possible.

If your daughter hadn't actually voiced she wanted to go home, I don't see how school can be in the wrong here!? She told them she was homesick and you're mad they didn't ring you to collect!? If she missed you at school and told a teacher, they wouldn't send her home. Strange thing to be mad at

Has it occurred to you to thank the teachers for giving your child the opportunity of a residential instead of criticising them!
Some of them will have left their own children to look after yours, 24/7, for the duration of the trip with no extra pay or time off in lieu. I left my son every year to go on residentials and it was exhausting but worth it to see the children have so much fun away from the school environment.
You are clearly over-reacting and not doing your child any favours whatsoever.

You clearly have no idea how hard this would be to put into practise - all the residentials I’ve been on have involved 60 children. How do you propose organising a few mins per child x60? Have you actually thought about the logistics. Are you proposing they use their own phones or the landline at the venue?
Secondly, contact with home just leads to more homesickness.
What if they call and the parents aren’t available? How would you monitor all the children to ensure there’s no misuse of phones, presuming they’re using mobiles.
The whole point of a residential is to be away from home - for a few days!

Don't make a thing of it and dwell on it now, help her to see the positives from the trip and praise her for giving it a go!

If you want the teachers to think you’re completely nuts, then yes - send that strongly worded email.

It’s very odd that your daughter was crying like that to go home. She needs to start getting more independent and you need her to take more responsibility for her communication and managing her own emotions.

She needs to start growing up.

🤣🤣🤣 parents like you are going to ruin trips for everyone else. Why don’t you volunteer to go next year and see what it’s like for the children and teachers?

This 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

How ridiculous that you even think that. Children need to sometimes be upset and deal with it. If adults jump in every time to make it better then how do they ever learn that they can deal with difficult situations?
Your answer is "oh dear that was a shame ,but you were absolutely fine, well done"
Then you say thank you to the staff who gave up their time to take your child away.

I can’t believe how many replies this thread has had since I’ve posted earlier.

I didn’t make a complaint to the school. I asked for other people’s opinions about the best course of action.
Just to clear a few things up:-

1. my daughter hasn’t spent a night away from me. I don’t allow her to go to sleepovers as I don’t know the parents. For various reasons I don’t do the school run. She has had plenty of friends stay at our house but I don’t allow sleepovers until secondary school.

2. The first thing I did was give her a hug and told her how brave she was for sticking it out. We spoke about all the fun things she did and I tried to focus on the positives. However, she was very very upset and says she never wants to stay away from home again.

3. Of course I didn’t go and stay near the residential! Some people on this thread are ridiculous! However, we live 5 minutes away so I could have collected her if necessary.

We did not have a ‘parents evening’ prior to the trip. If I had of had a chance to have a quick conversation with my daughter I would have tried to reassure her she was going to be fine, will have a great time tomorrow etc etc. My daughter is loved and cared for, she has her whole adult life to learn the realities of the world, I want her to know I'm
always here for her when she needs me. There are plenty of people on Mumsnet having parent issues because they feel unloved/unwanted/unsupported. I don’t think a
child can have too much love or kindness.

I won’t be emailing the school, either to complain or thank them. My daughter was inconsolable and got moved into her a room on her own as she was disturbing the other children. At that point, I should have been contacted, even just a quick text.

Also, I don’t think the whole point of a residential trip is to teach resilience, but rather to make great memories and have a good time- which my daughter didn’t do.

You should have mentioned in the first post that she'd been moved to a room on her own, it explains a lot

Might have known this would be one of those parents who 'doesn't allow sleepovers'

I have no idea why any parent would send their kid on a residential trip if they've never even been on a sleepover.

Pay phones naturally curtailed calls and made people blurt out the essentials before the coin ran out. Less time to emotionally brew up and escalate the situation.

The only call I remember making on quite a substantial list of school trips was from another country to tell DM about my visit to hospital that day... I was in 6th form and my teacher felt it was better for me to ring so she could hear I was OK directly. I think he was right about that, as a mother and as someone who organises residentials now.

Mobile phones are a safeguarding nightmare in their own right. Mainly for young people misusing them and upsetting each other, but also they cause issues if the young person circumvents the leaders and the leaders are left unaware of issues and unprepared for parental reaction.

The vast majority of the time, homesickness is exhaustion at bedtime and best cured by a bit of reassurance and some sleep.

The worst I've had it was in my 20s, mainly due to period pain and being 8 hours time difference to DH. I was fine by the morning. Just as well as getting home in the next 10 days was not an option! 3 weeks away seems to be my wobble point and I then get over it.

I think it's part of growing up and likely to happen on such a trip, she won't have been the only one. I don't think the school should have rang you and I don't think you should have picked her up either......but maybe I'm a bit harsh!

Sorry but I think the main take away here is that you are raising a less-than-resiliant child. This was an age appropriate trip away. The other children coped, your daughter didnt. It would be worth thinking about how you can help her be less anxious.

Well by not letting her ever sleep away from you before you had set her up to fail. Do you not even have any relatives she could have stayed with before. Assume she isn’t in any groups like Guides

You should be building resilience not agreeing with her that she was sad so should have come home!

She'll struggle in high school if you let her give up on things that are hard.

And this is exactly why people should allow children to go to sleepovers with their friends.
Sending a child on a residential with no prior nights away from home is simply setting them up to fail.