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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should a 5 year old be allowed out alone?

376 replies

bigyellowtaxi · 25/05/2008 12:37

Am a regular but have namechanged...

Have I been unreasonable? Something happened this morning that I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about - and I'm not sure what to do next.
My DD was at a party this morning, and after, as we were driving away I saw one of her classmates (a boy, age 5) walking away from the party, he was probably 200 metres away from the party venue when I saw him. My first thought was that he had wondered away somehow without waiting for a parent to collect him, also he is new to the area so that increased my concern.
I stopped the car and got out to ask him if he was OK (he knows who I am), he said that he was, and that his mum had said it was OK for him to walk home alone. I asked him where he lived and he pointed to a nearby block of flats. So I watched him go in though the main front door, left and went home.

After I came home I was speaking to a friend, and she was horrified and thinks I should tell social work, if not them then the school, and if not the school then speak to the mum about it directly.

So my questions are:
Was I unreasonable to stop and speak to the boy - should I have maybe kept out of it? - I wasnt the first parent who had gone past him on the way home. Or was I unreasonable to have let him go from me? I half considered walking with him back to his front door.

Also what should I do now? My instinct is to do nothing. I think that it is unusual to let a 5 year old out in that way ( I have never seen any children that young out on there own before), but maybe not so unusual I should do anything about it. I think Social work would be a total overreaction, I'm not sure what it has to do with the school, and I cant see anything good coming out of a chat to the mother.

What would you have done? and what would you do now?

OP posts:
seeker · 27/05/2008 09:19

And nobody has answered my question - who are all these abducted children and how have they kept it out of the papers?

AbbeyA · 27/05/2008 09:22

Some people may live in places where the traffic prohibits a 7 year old posting a letter, they need to find other ways. It is the opinion that 7 year olds have no need to be without adult supervision that saddens me. I think that those who live in a place where it is a problem should at least acknowledge that ideally their 7 year old ought to be free of adult supervision at some point in the week.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:23

So that's her view - and doesn't warrant a personal attack. It's lovely if you live in an area where you have a safe post box nearby but not everyone does. MABS has repeatedly said there is nowhere nearby for her children to go to/want to go to (at which stage she was accused of preventing her children from making friends with the non-existent neighbours)

I don;t think she would set the rules for signing a child out of school. She was explaining the system then got another round of abuse for it.

At ds2's school he is signed out of aftercare. That's so the school know how much to charge. Perhaps her daughter's school has a similar system? Who knows? Whose business is it except hers?

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:24

my dd's would look at me like id gone mad if i sat and watched them play. they would go equally bonkers being cooped up in the house
garden all day.

i visited my nephew recently (5) who got a bike for his birthday (6 mths ago) and he has never been on it. he lives in a culdesac with a lane behind it. how sad is that that he isnt allowed up and down the lane with his friends? yet go into his bedroom and he has 50+ dvds

as someone said, no wonder there are so many obese children

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:26

if i lived in a village that had other children who went to a different school, id invite them all round for a bbq or whatever. then my children would have someone to muck about with outside. isntead of gettign ferried to frined miles away. you can have both surely

AbbeyA · 27/05/2008 09:26

My son got the school coach at 11. He was responsible for finding it and getting on, at the other end he had to walk home through the village. If there was no coach I would have had to collect him by car. He would have found me, I would not have had to sign him out! I suspect that some parents have to rush into school, sign out a child leaving a sleeping baby in the car!!

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:29

I don't think that 7 years olds do need to be without adult supervision though really. Doing what? I've looked at the examples given - playing football- yep can do that at school, digging in dirt- well yes not sure whether it makes any difference whether that's in a garden or the street though.

And why should be wring our hands and acknowledge that our children are being terribly damaged by circumstances that we can't change? Especially if they're not hugely damaging. Children at 7 aren't imo old enough to go into town alone so I'm not sure where else they could take themselves. Being in the same building does not mean you're hovering over them.

DS2 and ds3 will learn lots about responsibility when they're left to care for their older brother for short periods as they get older (I'll pay them). Should I start insisting that everyone who doesn't have that experience recognise how much their children are missing out? Because actually it's a really great experience to have according to psychologists and stands siblings in good stead for later life. Are you worried that your children will miss out on that? Nope thought not. Well that's how I feel about my almost 7 year old not being able to go out alone.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:30

MABS hasn't said she sits and watches them play.

prettybird · 27/05/2008 09:30

I agree with you seeker. It is only our perception of the risks that has changed (with the excpetion of traffic).

I actually do live in a city but am still giving ds (7) the sort of freedom you are talking about. We have taken great care to teach him road sense - which is why I was letting him cross the (relatively quiet) road from age 5.

Yes I would be devastated if something happened to him. But that is part of parcel of being a parent. Part of my resonsibility is also to let go of the apron strings and teach him independence - and accpet the fear that goes with that.

I think that is part of the message that Porfessor Winstn was trying to put across - he sounded positively disapproving of the lack of freedom that today's 7-8 year olds get and the potential damage we are causing to whole generations of children.

My dad made aninteresting comment: if something were to have happened to a child when we were young, it is the person who perpetrated it who would be condemend (the kidnapper, the migger, the fast driver). Today it owuld be the parent who would be "blamed". All part of today's blame culture.

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:32

she sits and watches them play at the park

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:32

Road traffic has increased enormously since we were young.

AbbeyA · 27/05/2008 09:33

Professor Winston was disapproving and unfortunately we won't find out the damage done until they are adults.

seeker · 27/05/2008 09:33

But getback - I don't think she has been personally attacked. And she said that 7 year olds should NOT go out alone - not that hers shouldn't. So I suppose that's indirectly an attack on my parenting if I chose to read it like that. But I don't!

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:34

i live in a city too and i let my children out to play in the street (culdesac actually, with a back lane that leads to school playground)

that professor winston is an arse. sorry PB but he is. he talks to people like they are thick and stupid. points out the obvious. i cannt watch that man without wanting to punch him

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:34

And sitting watching someone play at the park is damaging in what way? Her ds presumably can't be left at the park because of his disability and I would assume a 13 year old isn't that interested in parks.

GooseyLoosey · 27/05/2008 09:35

Child abduction/attempted abduction rates have actually risen dramatically in the last 8 years (by as much as 45% in some years) so whilst it remains highly unlikely, I think that it is a legitimate parental concern.

That said, I think that we are doing our children a dis-service in not allowing them the freedom that previous generations were allowed. Yes, there are new factors such as increased traffic and violent crime which need to be considered in determining how much freedom a child should be given. However, I do not think that we should not allow children any freedom at all because of increased risks. We need to balance risk against the need for children to learn how to deal with the world on their own and this is something which should be learned before a child leaves home and has to cope on their own with minimal parental support.

My oldest child has just turned 5, but I think in a year or less, I will let him walk to the shops (in the village we live in) on his own.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 27/05/2008 09:36

Traffic on a culdesac is totally different to traffic and a through road sed as a sort cut (as our road is).

Ds1's school bus stops to pick him up and people beep at it to move then roar up the street aggressively. Its not safe to play on at all.

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:37

why would a 13 yr old not be interested in parks? where else do they play football with their mates?

seeker · 27/05/2008 09:38
seeker · 27/05/2008 09:39
sarah293 · 27/05/2008 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

prettybird · 27/05/2008 09:39

I don't necessarily disagree with you NP!

I enjoy the porgramme mostly 'cos it give me a chance to see the other kids - who are about the same age as ds.

But I found it interesting that it was the first time I had noticed him make an explicit criticism of an aspect of modern parenting. Or maybe I only noticed 'cos I happen to agree with him!

seeker · 27/05/2008 09:40

Why is Prof Winston an arse? He always strikes me as hugely sensible and pragmatic [interested emoticon]

AbbeyA · 27/05/2008 09:41

I will leave it for the second and final time! At 18 a DC is an adult-they have to untie from your apron strings gradually-not have them cut suddenly with no preparation.

nailpolish · 27/05/2008 09:43

he is an arse of the highest order

he states the obvious and treats the viewer like they are stupid

i rememeber the programme he did about a growing foetus - i nearly threw the telly out the window (honstestly)

his voice and manner is patronising