Should a 5 year old be allowed out alone?

[bigyellowtaxi]

Am a regular but have namechanged...

Have I been unreasonable? Something happened this morning that I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about - and I'm not sure what to do next.
My DD was at a party this morning, and after, as we were driving away I saw one of her classmates (a boy, age 5) walking away from the party, he was probably 200 metres away from the party venue when I saw him. My first thought was that he had wondered away somehow without waiting for a parent to collect him, also he is new to the area so that increased my concern.
I stopped the car and got out to ask him if he was OK (he knows who I am), he said that he was, and that his mum had said it was OK for him to walk home alone. I asked him where he lived and he pointed to a nearby block of flats. So I watched him go in though the main front door, left and went home.

After I came home I was speaking to a friend, and she was horrified and thinks I should tell social work, if not them then the school, and if not the school then speak to the mum about it directly.

So my questions are:
Was I unreasonable to stop and speak to the boy - should I have maybe kept out of it? - I wasnt the first parent who had gone past him on the way home. Or was I unreasonable to have let him go from me? I half considered walking with him back to his front door.

Also what should I do now? My instinct is to do nothing. I think that it is unusual to let a 5 year old out in that way ( I have never seen any children that young out on there own before), but maybe not so unusual I should do anything about it. I think Social work would be a total overreaction, I'm not sure what it has to do with the school, and I cant see anything good coming out of a chat to the mother.

What would you have done? and what would you do now?

Oblomov - I did not say that any parent without an sn child can't have an opinion, what i said it that they can't truly understand, That is a totally different thing in my humble opinion.

Hiya Cammelia - am fine thanks sweetie xx

"Disabilites do not exempt a DC from being given some level of independence"

In some cases they do. My son has no sense of danger at all. He cannot be left alone at all, we have to know where he is (even within the house) at all times. He's now 9 and it will always be like this.

There are no blanket statements that can be made when it comes to disabilites, especially when it comes to independence. DS1 is encouraged to do things for himself - dress himself, clear up, help with stirring cakes etc but he will need to be supervised for the rest of his life.

I wouldn't let my 5 year old walk alone from a party home. I think it's too young.

I wouldn't let a 5 year old out on their own at all. I wouldn't trust my 5 yo on the road at all (even just playing out in front of the house) - this is nothing to do with fear of being abducted but the knowledge that she has no road sense at all.

I haven't let my 9yo or 7yo go to the corner shop on their own either yet, but there is a main road to cross (and no crossing).

I suggested to dh that I let them go to the park on their own this summer (with a reasonably busy road to cross) and he said no, but I may do. For me it isn't fear of abduction, but fear of the roads. I don't feel comfortable with my 9yo going on the road - he is too reckless and although my 7yo may be ok on her own, as soon as she is with him, all common sense seems to disappear. I do agree that they need independence though but it depends on the child (and the place of course - we do live in the centre of town).

fwiw I know where MABS lives and where her dd goes to school - and it really isn't possible for her dd to go to school on her own. (MABS, here ds will be allowed to go home from school alone from year 6 I think,).

and at my ds's (independent) school everyone is signed out too, so the children aren't allowed to leave on their own.

i live in the centre of town and my 9 and 10 year old go all over the place.how can a 7 and 9 year old not have road sense,unless you have driven them everywhere?

I don't drive so that isn't the reason.

I'm not sure why tbh, ds just isn't good on roads - he is dyspraxic, but I'm not sure whether that has contributed to it.

I think 5 years old is too young to walk home alone from a party, even if it is only a very short walk.

I grew up in the 60s and had the legendary "out all day playing in the woods" type of childhood we're all getting sentimental about. But I was always with other kids or my older brother.

And I wasn't allowed to walk to school without one of my parents (and again it had to be with other children) until I was 9 or 10.

There is no way I would allow my 7 year old to play out (ie. in the park) without being somewhere nearby.

She does loads of things without me. It feels like I barely see her some weeks!!!. But she is always with an adult, with a friend's mum or dad.

I can't believe this is unusual. I am absolutely not a hoverer or paranoid about abductions/accidents. I thought I was just applying common sense.

Maybe I'm wrong .

A 5 years old and out on his own. I wouldn't be comfortable with this either. I can't see what you can say to the parents that would make them change their mind. I know some people feel that children should be able to wonder around like the good old days but those days have past. Their is a reason why we aren't allowed to leave children at home alone and why schools and childcare providers have security locks and gates not to mention the procedure to handover each child to recognised people, people listed and photographed on an authorisation form signed by the parents. If you have any concerns for the child then I would mention it to SS. Dispite their reputation they only take action if they have too. They are there to care for children, they can be discreate and it can be anoymous.

dyspraxia can certainly contribute to poor road sense.

posieparker on Mon 26-May-08 18:48:22
"I used to live near a very posh middle class village where, only, the other day a 9 year was a victim of an attempted abduction. He was walking ho,me from school alone, incidentally this is where Gary Glitter used to live. In an age where we know what can happen I can't see why you would need to take risks with a child's safety."

Do you seriously believe that those things were less frequent 30 years ago, Posie? Or 50 years ago? The only person I ever knew personally who was abducted was my MIL and that must have been well over 75 years ago?

MABS, you still haven't answered my question as to why you would deny every 7yo the right to do things without parents? You keep going on about your rather special circumstances- why is that a reason for the rest of us?

I understand what you're saying about rural settings where you need a car- but around here lots of families (including us) don't have cars and don't need them, so that's hardly a reason for every family not to allow their youngsters to run down to the cornershop. You did say any 7 yo- which would mean living in any type of community.

Again, prep schools are rather special places, so their rules aren't going to affect the majority of youngsters.

And about the flight attendant- what I meant was that noone (including grownups) can make much in the way of decisions on an aeroplane- you're stuck where you are and all looked after by the airline staff.

And you still haven't explained why a NT 7yo would be more likely to trip and injure himself than an adult. Or incapable of dealing with minor injuries. We are not talking toddlers.

Cory, no I haven't said that at all. The abduction is more likely to be reported in the news and so no ignorance is allowed! We know that there are networks of evil people who can make a child disappear and so no parent can ignore that risk.
As for a 7yr old falling over don't you remember having cuts and grazes all of the time at that age?
It's not the child that is close to a parent that gets abducted, it's the one popping to the shop down the road.

Who are all these children who are being abducted and how do they keep it out of the papers?

I think MABS is getting a lot of grief for a throwaway remark relating to her circumstances.

I've noticed that what a 7 year old does alone varies very much on where you live. We live in the middle of a city, none of ds2's (year 1) friends walk alone without adults- roads are very busy - and there aren't crossings where needed in some cases - I've never seen a child that young walking alone around here.

OTOH my friend lives in the middle of a village (not in the middle of nowhere like MABS) and the children in the village have more freedom at a younger age. Her kids were in and out of each others gardens aged 7 (which made me pleased we don't live there tbh as we couldn't do that because of ds1- we'd be the equivalent of alcatraz in the middle of glastonbury teepi field.

MABS made a throwaway comment drawn on experience of her own family. I don't think she needs to be hung drawn and quartered for it.

No, MABS categorically stated that a 7 year old should never be out alone. Nothing to do with her particular circumstances - it was a general statement to ba applied to all 7 year olds. And she repeated it on several occasions. I disagree - and se no reason why I shouldn't say so!

Does she really need to be rounded on for one sentence? For that sentence she's been told she's bringing up her children incorrectly, that she'll have children who grow up to be unable to do anything, that she's not instilling independence in her disabled child that she's made her children incapable of being friends with their neighbours and so on and so forth.

She has said she thinks it was unacceptable for the 5 year old to walk home alone (so do I, so shoot me) - she hasn't attacked anyone else's decisions despite having a lot of people laying into her decisions in a very personal way.

The tone of this thread is quite unpleasant.

But it'a sentence that goes to the heart of what the thread is about! And I don't think disagreeing with someone is rounding on them - if we all just said "Oh well each to their own" then there would never be a discussion.

For the record, I do actually think that it's bad for children to be hovered over - and I do think that not letting a 7 year old walk 100 yards along a quiet road to post a letter is hovering over them.

Why is everyone being so unpleasent to poor Mabs? This thread is becoming a witchhunt against her and it isnt nice!!!

Maybe his mum was watching for him from the window? Since it was only a short distance. Mine 5yr old wouldn't have been able to do it, but some children are more capable at that age.

Social services a total overreaction.

But nice of you to stop and ask.

BUt MABS said she would let them go to the letterbox but there isn't one. She has also said that she doesn't hover over them but that's been ignored. She's said she drives her daughter places - because of lack of public transport- then leaves her to get on with it. And disagreeing with someone is one thing but saying the awful things that have been said about her family is another.

FWIW I've been thinking ds2 will be 7 in January and I can't think of anywhere he'll go to alone. The letterbox is across a busy road, the nearest shop for a pint of milk is across 4 busy roads. I have never seen a child his age (or considerably older) alone on those streets.

He goes to friend's houses, when he goes to soft play we leave him and ds3 to go round together whilst we drink coffee, he can play outside in the garden unsupervised providing ds1 isn't there (if he is then he needs constant supervision - see my profile for why- so the others get supervised too). But out and about alone? Nope can't think of anywhere and unless cars are banned it won't be happening for a few years because where we live is very very busy.

Am I going to get my parenting picked apart now too?

getback, how could you protect your children, what a disservice?
FWIW, I would rather let my children have independence when it's appropriate for where we live and if that means I will not be one of the parents who wonders for the rest of my years what ever happened to my child, then I'll be happy.

It isn't a witch hunt. I would like to apologise for any remarks that I made about disabilites and independence. Disabilty covers a whole range and one can't generalise.
However seeker is right that stating '7 year olds have no need to be on their own' goes to the heart of the thread. It is unhealthy IMO, they need to play and work things out for themselves without adult supervision. Fixing things while mum sits in sight on a park bench is not being independent.
I am also horrified that a school would expect me to get a baby and a toddler out of a car to sign out an 11 yr old child who is hardly likely to get abducted between the school building and the car park at the end of the school day with 140 parents milling around!
My DCs think I am a control freak, my DH calls me Mrs Pike (from Dad's army) when I get too fussy and yet people on here are making me seem liberal to the point of irresponsible! All because I think a seven yr old should be able to post a letter in an English village!

I meant fixing and solving problems, or playing whilst Mum sits on a park bench.

No-one's has said you are over-liberal. The only person whose come under personal attack on here is MABS. But everyone's situations are different. My soon-to-be 7 year old won't be able to do the letterbox run or have much independence because our circumstances don't allow it (and I'm hard pushed to see how they could be changed so they did).I'm fairly certain that once he's at secondary school we'll be on a bus route and he'll be able to do the whole alone without adults thing. And presumably ds3 will follow him.

Do I think he misses out terribly aged 7? No, not really.

posieparker on Tue 27-May-08 08:13:03

"As for a 7yr old falling over don't you remember having cuts and grazes all of the time at that age?"

My son gets covered in cuts and grazes when he is climbing trees or learning to ride his bike or wrestling with his friends or playing football in the school playground. Those are totally different activities from walking down to the shop. If I played football on asphalt, no doubt I'd be covered in bruises too. Doesn't mean we can't either of us walk unharmed to the corner shop.

Or at least, I'm as likely to trip as him- it wasn't him that took a flying leap across the school entrance steps the other day and ended up in a heap at the caretaker's feet . And yet I am allowed out on my own.

"The abduction is more likely to be reported in the news and so no ignorance is allowed! We know that there are networks of evil people who can make a child disappear and so no parent can ignore that risk."

Do you really think our parents' or grandparents' generation were as ingorant as all that? I've spoken to enough elderly people to know they weren't. Children were warned about stranger danger, but it was thought important that they should develop independence.

Even traffic depends on where you are: the quiet suburb where we live is a lot safer than the busy London street where dh grew up.

I don't like this she did/she didn't stuff - but MABS said definitely that a 7 year old should not go to post a letter along a quiet road unless he could be watched all the time. And one of the reasons she gave was that he might fall over and hurt himself. Why is it somehow not OK to question this viewpoint? And why is not OK to question the need to sign 11 year olds out of school?

And I said that of course this sort of independence depends on where you live - I live in th country along a quiet road so my children can go to post letters and ride their bikes quite safely.